i do it like this, kimmyk

i had to stand in my closet for this one and hold the camera in a shelving unit. that's the birthday linen [i need a bed skirt, badly] and the quilt is half done. that first part consists of all of the favorite clothes i wore out in college. part two should be coming this winter. i realize this photo makes my room look spartan, but i hope you get some sense of it's coziness and that the walls you can't see are covered in photos and framed posters. i like the rustic look of the wooden crates. the red bin is old as hell and holds my journals, sketch books and books i made by hand. below is a cubby dad fashioned for us kids when we were wee. the top is an old gift box [old school shwag] from dad's sales days atop which sits my pride and joy: for highschool graduation i asked for a Rodin sculpture. i was hoping for The Kiss, i got The Fallen Caryatid Carrying Her Stone. what an epitaph it has been for me over the years. Skillet asked for a CD player. i got one the next month for our birthday. ... i need a bedskirt.

here are the two peppers. i cut them off with scissors today, because they started to get soft and i was afraid i'd lose them. i hope to make something tastey and delicious with them tomorrow. to the right is the solitary heritage tomato that survived bugs, kids, storms and being grown in a rubbermaid tub by, well, me. love the red appliances? thank HM. she wanted a red and black kitchen, so my twin sent me red towels and oven mits for Christmas. "... you do realize we're NOT that kind of housemate, right, skillet?" ... [skillet: short for home skillet. another post. ask me later, ac.]

there are three or for more buds. the next two [maybe they only grow in pairs?] are already getting bigger.

and finally...

i was in the shower tonight and i look down my belly between my pale swollen girls to see this: a bruise on my sternum. now, i can't, for the life of me, figure out how i got this. i mean, i can. i work with kids, i could have bent over something hard. [go ahead, say it.] the almost-toddling-toddler could have bounced on my chest. my honorary niece and nephew [i was watching them last week] were jumping on my back last week and i am a slow bruiser, but not that slow... (photography note: i am not a vanity photo pro.) or maybe i bent too far over one of the bed railings when i was kissing one of my elderly patients on the forehead after tucking them in.

so here you have it. we'll see what it does.

sorry, FS, no nipples. i do work with kids. reputation.

sigh.

are we there, yet?

so apparently ya'll have nothing better to do than sleep all these wee hours i'm riding the night shift on the second half of a mighty double sitting for a patient who's roomate shares a fondness for diddling his fiddle [i shit you not. what is it with boys and their junk? especially when they don't feel good. it's as if someone is going to walk away with it? ... excuse me? you need help getting to the bathroom? no problem. just don't touch me with your hands and we'll be fine as pie. ... you're done in there? okay, let's wash your hands. i'm sorry, you need to use soap. ... no, you gotta scrub those puppies. ... yes, i know exactly where your hands have been. now, if you don't mind, please scrub them again or i'm gonna do it for you. .... thank you. let's get you back in bed. ~shudders~].

i promised kimmyk some photos of skinny cows, but i'm at work, so a link is gonna have to cut it.

back to my charge. i know that my patient isn't exactly right in the head, but shitting on the floor? come on!!! i spent my morning handling the 3 year old's peanut to keep him from peeing on his shorts at the park and now i'm spending my night handling a grown [but not much larger...] peanut to keep from having to change the whole bloody bed, again.

gargh.

now don't get me wrong. in my time "on the floor" i have scrubbed me some peanuts, washed me some wieners, handled me some exterior plumbing. i know that in some oysters lie a beautiful pearl or two, but cripes, honey. now i know the ones can't stop handling their junk on the outside of this joint are afraid someone's gonna come take what little they got!

deee-um. gurrrrrl is out.

truth be told, gurrrrrl is pulled by her lunar crux. hormones in full flux. titties in full bloom and painful as a kick in the nads. this on top of some little hairline fractures that normally get washed out by a good day makes for ONE CRABBY ASSS LITTLE LADY! chocolate has nothing on me now.

i tried.

a patient dropped off a wine box full of hershey's kisses.

gee shucks. just what my fat ass needed. thanks.

more truths be told [i'm in that kind of mood, and you like it, so shaddup already] i was hurting yesterday when i had to come back into work after a fairly great weekend and a perfectly splendid sunday putting my space back in order. dishes, laundry, the kitchen floor, pitching clothes i never wear anymore, floor boards, and i cleared half the crap off my desk and brought the art supplies back out of hiding. ... it was like a honeymoon for my me-ness.

and then i had to go back to work.

and i was bloated.

and crabby.

and pissed that i work that hard.

aren't you glad you only have to read my lovliness, my lovelies?

and so it hit me.

or rather, i hit it.

the bottom.

more or less.

close enough. as close as i want to get to the bottom ever again in this realm.

i'm tired of being tired. and i'm tired of being too tired that i can't enjoy the people i know and love when i finally make time to see them. i'm tired of being lonely and tired of being pissed.

so friday morning i have an appointment with human resources to see what career options i have going for me while i'm not in school this fall.

depending on how that goes, i may schedule a couple appointments with head hunters.

i got skills.

i got talents.

i got titties. [that's for you, FS]

so give this bitch a better f'n paying job. she works her pretty little ass off. [notice it got smaller when i was working and not chowing down the poor quality chocolate? yeah.... i did.]

at any rate. i'm'unna go read some more blogs.

much love,
YL

bogger is whacked

...apparently because i started writing the post saturday, my storm post posted under saturday. go see the photos....

monday, oh monday

monday, oh monday,




hate is a strong word, but i really, really, really don't like you.




whenever monday comes, you can find me crying, all of the time.









sigh.









it was a blessed sunday.









i worshipped at the church of the bedside table. [ba-dum-ching!]









i woke up, cleaned the house a bit, hung new curtain rods, planted spinach and peas, moved things around in my room, put my bed back where i like it [diagonally, not box like], swept up a LOT of feather down [i am a comfort whore, feather down is smooshy and yum], made sun tea, watched a friend get off the train behind my house, chased her down and said hello, made dinner, framed some photos, watched a clockwork orange, caught up with HM and drew a little.

it feels good to be getting back to myself.

i still have those photos waiting for me to fix them...



here's a couple of Betty from, like, two weeks ago. i let her go outside [yes, i put her outside on the deck in indirect sunlight so she could get her nature groove on. i'm a good plant mom, i am] and SHE CAUGHT A FLY!!!



can you see the eye lash looking things? the fly must have struggled so much she clasped her little palms so tightly she INVERTED THEM!!! oh honey! come to momma!!

look here, you can see the bug swimming in plant juices. yum yum. gives you a small idea of how our bellies work. belly juices slosh around with delicious and tastey food stuffs and then the belly sucks out all of the yummy good juices and leaves poop.

well there ya go. pictures and an anatomy/physiology lecture.

damn, girl's a catch. who's payin'?

i'm here...

i'm working on photos, but it's late and i have a day that starts at 9 am and closes at 11:30 pm. and then i may make an appearence at a welcome home shin dig.

so much to report...

so much to say....

the four legged one went home.

but my socks are here!!!!

[have to edit that one]

sobe patient, i'll be back.

eventually.

it wasn't a tornado

i'm a great big tree, just standing here minding my own... wow. that was a nice breeze. hehe. it's raining, that tickles. we've had a lot of rai- hey, easy on that wind, buddy, i'm trying to grow here... i tell ya, give a wind a little room and it thinks it owns yo-- hey!! knock it off!! woah!! i said...

this tree didn't fall over because the branches were leaning on another tree which, miraculously, kept it from falling through the back of someone's home.

this tree just fell over. plop. like i'm a little tea pot. tip it over and it falls out of the ground. i was at the pool in the locker room with a bunch of kids, some from day camp, some from lessons. i recognize that i don't do groups well. i had to start talking to the kids about pool safety. i had to engage them. some of them were teary eyed cuz they didn't know what was going on. i was baffled as to why the day camp counselors weren't leading a sing-a-long. isn't that, like, day camp required?

this was my neighbor's yard. my landlord's daughter told me this afternoon the tree removal alone cost 2 or 20 grand [i think that's what she said]. nothing to say of the cost to repair the house it fell into. this shot shows the sidewalk that was completely lifted from the roots. the corner of the garage is also lifted.

this is the house, or the back porch/stairwell where the tree collided [it's the back of the house]. you can see the label from the insulation. i'm not certain if this window is an extended kitchen. the tree provided a lot of coverage from the train, which runs over the garages in out back yards.

this is a tree that fell over the fence in the graveyard. the ruins from the graveyard are breathtaking. this is the place where is it hardest to convince those of us who see it every day that there wasn't a funnel cloud on our street. there is a clear path. and it's narrow. and it jumps. ... whatever. i didn't take meteorolgy in school.

snippets and sound bites part one

five Q's - the first one caught my breath, so i'm doin' all five. go see this guy for his take. read him while you're there. entertaining.

1. Wednesday, Nov. 5, 2008. Our side won! How do you celebrate?
with several days of silence.

2. Are you on a boat or are you a land lubber or do you soar?
yes.

3. What was the last mistake you wished you could cover up?
i don't wish to cover up anything. if you can't handle the fact that i f'd up, how am i supposed to get through?

4. Are your omelettes fluffy?
i actually just learned how to properly fold the omlette for an actual omlette and not a pan of scrambled eggs with a bunch of junk in it.

5. When was the last time your paradigm shifted?
right now.

guide you home

[Coldplay ~ Fix you]


When you try your best but you don’t succeed

they really said no. again.

When you get what you want but not what you need

to be honest. i am happy with the letter.

not just okay. but relieved. ecstatic.

free.

When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep

they were ass holes and i seldom felt good about myself there.

Stuck in reverse

and yet, i gave them more than they deserved.

And the tears come streaming down your face

it feels weird to be comfortable, happy even at this juncture.

When you lose something you can’t replace

i spent yesterday afternoon laying on the deck

with a good book getting sun on my midriff.

When you love someone but it goes to waste

HM went shopping with me.

i needed the company.

and someone to tell me

how my ass looked

in a new pair of pants.

Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home

i'm going to see my touch stone in guatemala.

And ignite your bones

i've been invited to accompany a family to australia.

And I will try to fix you

my nieces are waiting for me to visit them in Troy.

all trips i wouldn't have made

if they had let me back in.

And high up above or down below

i may not have made all the best decisions.

When you’re too in love to let it go

but i did everything i knew to do

to keep it all together.

But if you never try you’ll never know

i had no idea it would have ended like this.

i was working so damn hard.

Just what you’re worth

maybe i'm learning how to let it all go.

Lights will guide you home

it makes me tired.

And ignite your bones

to think of all the shit i did

because i thought it was

what i was supposed to do.

And I will try to fix you

they couldn't convince me to try otherwise.

i couldn't hear them over the din

of my own madness.

Tears stream down your face

and yet they love me.

When you lose something you cannot replace

they love me enough to let me make these mistakes.

Tears stream down your face

and they love me enough to take me in

when i can't stand the sight of myself.

And i…

Tears stream down your face

i started running.

I promise you

because it was all i could think to do with myself.

I will learn from my mistakes

it's funny that i wouldn't think twice to do it

for anybody else

Tears stream down your face

but it's hard to believe anyone would do it

for me.

And i…



Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

i'm coming.

wow. my pants fit.

i asked a pair of nurses, one seasoned, one who is so wet behind the ears she takes direction from me when cleaning a patient, to step away from the door of a patient while blatantly gossiping about said patient. "you can hear through that window." i had said.

"well, you can, because you're normal." was the seasoned nurse's response.

holy peanuts and apple butter, batman.

we went a short round. she tried to call me out on asking her to be compassionate and respectful of the patient. "do you have written proof? references? research that says that a patient with a helmet on [skull fracture, skull is in belly, helmet protects brain] can hear us from out here?"

are you fucking kidding me?

really.

you're going to come back to me with that as a counter argument?

huh.

and they won't let me finish my degree to get a license to take ever loving and respectful primary care of these patients.

really.

huh.

[steps off soap box. swats kimmyk on the ass. leaves room.]

fuckers.

holy shit: yorlor does action/drama

"WTF? yorlor? what is this madness you speak of?"

i'm making a new friend. an aquaintence from the pool. we show up at the same time a lot lately. we've begun chatting. telling jokes. now we're actually talking about what's going on.

it's the first genuine friend i've begun to make since before i started school. someone out of context of the rest of my life. someone who wasn't in class with me. or a co-worker. or a co-worker of someone i already know well. someone to whom my life and reality is a blank canvas.

so we're telling stories. and we're past the ambiguous "my boss" phase and getting into repeating characters and their development in our tales of laughter, frustration and woe. and then it hit me: i wanted to say "God, my life sounds dramariffic, sometimes. eh?"

but:
my best friend is battling cancer and life is precious. things can get hairy. sometimes a lot to handle. we get through it. i don't call this drama, i call it life. it's a gift and we're doing the best we can to enjoy it right now, shit storm avail and all.
i've applied to get back into school, where i was dismissed a month before graduation because i had to work part time to keep health insurance and be responsible and pay non deferable debt with a paycheck and not a school loan. again, i call this life. it happens.
i work three jobs. i work a lot. my debt from school is so close to triple digits it makes my heart stop beating. so i work a lot to make up for the fact that my paychecks, individually, are wee in comparison to what i owe. i work a lot so that i don't have time to think about the pit i am in an how much it makes me feel like i am suffocating. i happen to be blessed with work that feeds me in more ways than one. i call it responsibility. i call it taking control of what i can control. i call it doing something productive about my situation. this is also why i'm trying to complete my degree and secure my license. because i'm a damn fine nurse and i want to double my paycheck and half my working hours.
one of my jobs involves working with people amidst medical crisis. it is nitty and gritty and emotional and tough and challenging and i love it. and i'm good at it. and i don't want to do anything else.
and then there's the cracked pot that is my love life. spider webs and all.

just hard to open the page and say, "oh yeah, thank you for joining us, we're here on page 2902, where yorlor has just...."

it's a good thing this person has witnessed the miracle that is my swimming instruction and how much the families i work with really love and trust me. otherwise i may not be making a new friend at all.

feeling: humble and grateful and happy and not as frazzled or insecure or dramariffic as i did when i started this post. thank you for listening.