this must be what rehab feels like...

i've never had the opportunity to start over so completely as i do right now.

i lost my job

so i started waiting tables

for a man who's entire life

revolves around that restaurant

and he's a good guy

but he lacks finesse

and kindness in his delivery

and it is grating

and i don't like to be talked to that way

and all he want to hear is

"okay"

and all i want to say is

"why are you so angry?"

but this isn't my place, either.

it's an ongoing theme.

something i've struggled with from the womb,

i am certain.

no insult to my mother,

lordisa knows she tried to set the right example.

lord knows she would say

"it's none of my business"

"i just keep my head down"

"i just do my job and go home"

god knows my father lived and still lives

most of his life

just like that.

...

and i didn't get it.

"why the f--k would you do that?"

"why can't you say something?"

"that is so retarded"

"i'm not going to just sit there"

"i've got to call it the moment it happens"

"i can't let it sit like that"

"i don't put up with the bull s--t"

2 shifts next week.

"okay."

school is only going so much better.

if it weren't for my clinical instructor

i'd be out on my ass.

really.

yet she coaches me like noone else has ever done

not that others haven't tried.

i've just been too bull headed to listen.

too

bull

headed.

i can't even eat.

i have no appetite.

i tried.

i can't afford the place i just moved into,

so i've decided to move out,

rather than find another job to

bust my ass and make something work

that isn't what i really want

and isn't what i need.

i'm waiting for my license from the state

to CNA.

so i'm downsizing.

on two shifts in a week.

what will i do with my time?

[find another job,

find another place to live,

find myself inside this

hot mess of a situation

and try to kindly

and gently

pull myself out.]

oh,

and pack.

and the part that hurt the most

tonight?

someone lied

when he realized i really liked him

and wasn't just being nice

or friendly

or coquettish.

yeah.

to me.

that's what really hurt the most.

[if you have any sense of compassion, dear family,

you will just let me say these things

without feeling like you had something to do with why i left

in the first place.

i left because i didn't feel like i belonged.

not because you didn't love me.

not because you didn't care.

not because i couldn't figure it out under the same roof

as you.

i left for me.

and i'm still figuring it out.

and that has to be enough

sometimes.

it has to be enough,

for now.

i love you.

yors [first]]