i had a catchy title

but i forgot it somewhere between my ninth glass of water and the patient i was sitting with telling me i wasn't supposed to be gay after he asked if there was a bible in the room. [i wish i was kidding, guys, i really, really, really, really do. the guy propositioned me. i politely declined. he waited a couple of minutes. then he asked me if i was a homo. he used just that word. i told him it wasn't an appropriate topic of conversation. he pressed on (having just had his trach removed, his voice was soft and hard to understand at times) and i asked him "does it really matter?" and he said yes, it did. he then dropped it and said it didn't matter. a little while later "it's been a while," he says, glancing at his groin. "it happens" i say, willing to be sympathetic but clear that i'm not here to do something about it. a little while later, while discussing his frustration with the hospital, the beeping, the monitoring, the discomfort, he asks for comic books. we talk about having one of his kids or wife bring one in or pick one up. then he asks for a bible. i tell him i don't think we have one in the room. then he says "you aren't supposed to be gay." "are you saying what i *think* you're saying?" he nods. i get the charge nurse, sign off on the sheet and tell him that my sexuality has nothing to do with his care and that we don't talk about this in a patient/care giver setting. if we were friends having coffee, that would be a totally different situation, but i am not going to sit with you, anymore, someone else will be coming in a moment. the charge nurse nodded her agreement and i was grateful for her support. i then commenced running around to the point of having a sweaty ass in less than twenty minutes.]

but i digress, we were talking about Jesus....

kimmyk writes that she cried in church this morning. lots of folks responded in kind.

not me.

i've worked so many days in a row they are running together. the pool. the hospital. the kids. the hospital. the kids.

i picked up a couple more private swim lessons. they bring in bigger bucks for me. my goal is to pay off the smallest credit card this summer before the new loans come due. i may defer them to pay down another. i had a swim lesson at 10:30; my preferred hour of church service. they chant the Our Father as well as most of the service and feed you delicious honey bread and sweet wine all in under an hour, unlike my former church home which felt more like a political public service announcement and never got out in under 90 minutes, only feeding you once a month, and seldom mentioning Jesus.

i texted the House Mate: my only shot at church is 8:30, wanna come? i got the all go. i was in charge of making coffee. it was a *much* smaller service, and we didn't chant the Hey, Daddy. but it was still good to be there. to sit there.

after communion i sat there with my forehead on the back of the pew in front of me long or heavy enough to leave a red dent which stayed through the dismissal. it's just been an interesting time.

i returned home to learn my 10:30 lesson cancelled so that i could sit in the sun and enjoy the next hour before heading to the pool. after swimming for 2 and a half hours with other people's kids. after walking slowly in the sun to the hospital and chatting with my sisters on the phone while they finish the deck i am travelling home to help christen next weekend, i sat on a bench and read for a few more minutes before relinquishing to my evening on the floor.

i was wearing a kicking little shirt high in attitude i got in NYC while visiting a friend last march during my first quarter break. i remembered how i wore it to class the first week beck in class and was called up to read my team's response to some group questions. i watched myself glare at the professor and ask her opinion on my new commentary on nursing, spread across my chest like peanut butter on jelly. and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

i was so pissed at my life coming back from that break. i remember openly bawling as i put the key in the door back at my apartment. not weeping, not sighing, not crying. actively, openly, bawling at the prospect of having to wake up in seven hours and give my life back over to what i had left not five days earlier: spending seven days a week in the hospital. in class. at work. in clinical. in the library. i thought about my having moved nine miles south to be within walking distance of school to help with my truancy habit.

i was dying inside and i couldn't even see it. but sitting there, outside the hospital this afternoon, i saw every poor decision, every lashing out, every pissed off edge i wore like a two foot mohawk in those halls. i was pissed at my decision to stay in a place and with people who weren't supportive of me. all they said was "we find that people who decide to work while they are in are in our program are not successful." read: we will not do anything to help you.

i had moved away from and removed myself from everything i new as supportive. i wasn't teaching kids. i wasn't nannying. i wasn't seeing friends.

...

i did it to myself and i removed myself from anyone who could have told me otherwise, not that i would have listened to them, anyway.

...

KimmyK, i'm glad there's a place i can go where it's okay to cry every time i walk in the door.

i could die a happy girl in this woman's arms

okay, maybe not "happy," but i don't think i'd cry.
okay, i'd cry like a little bitch, but i wouldn't be sad.
okay, i'd be sad as hell that i was leaving this amazingness behind.
okay, i'm just gonna shut up now.

...now if only great women fell into my lap like good blogs and great music...

...

i'm half watching episode three of season four of the west wing for the second time. i'm going to have to watch it again, another time, when i can pay attention.

i was tripping through the next blog button and found terroni. i stole dive's idea from terroni.

i have a million and one things to say, after reading some other blogs i was brought to by mutual bloggers [oh, lordisa, that sounds lame] and can't bring myself to say any of it.

enjoy:

1. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?


michael bolton. i once stopped an MRI because michale bolton came on the radio. they had just started a nine minute scan. i tried to tell them without them having to stop the scan, but they couldn't hear me over the diggs-digga-digga-digga-whirrr of it all.


2. What is your favourite cheese?


Munster. or farmers. oh shit. i use three pounds of cheese and milk to make a home made mac and cheese my old roomies used to call "death by dairy." i even like squeaky cheese curds and, occasionally, processed cheese slices. my mom fed us Velveeta and spam sandwiches. ... i drink soy milk so i don't have to cut back on cheese. next question.


3. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?


i make a frightening dagwood. if i'm making myself it's roast beef, ham, genoa salami, pickles, bell peppers, miracle whip, provolone, black olives, green peppers, dijon mustard, munster on toasted rye bread with a large pinch of cole slaw. ... slurp. if you're making it, it's a wet reuben [turkey or corned beef] with extra thousand island.


4. You, Elvis and Princess Diana (yeah, I know they both smell a bit now but you'd still give 'em one; right?) are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wastes with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?

elvis, his coke habit clearly put me in this situation to begin with and maybe sir elton john will write songs about me and lady di.


5. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?


james spader. [i would say hillary swank as brandon tina, but james is so calculating it makes me twist in my chair. i'll let you know when a movie screen dyke takes this cake.]


6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?


melissa etheridge ~~ girl can get a crowd going


7. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?


honestly, if you hand me a hundred bucks i'm not accountable for, i'm going to take someone out to eat and spend the rest at the thrift store, maybe buy a bottle of wine if there's anything left over.


8. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?


right now, NYC to see someone i'd enjoy being around. i also feel comfortable showing up at this doorstep with the clothes on my back.


9. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

dinner and a new outfit from Yellow Rat Bastard. or sell my soul for tickets to see david letterman.


10. Your dream date. Who, where and why?


who: she's roughly my height and size. boyish. almost painfully so at times. she loves what she does and she loves kids. neither one of us is in charge. we work together. sometimes she leads, sometimes it's me. i don't care who pays or orders, as long as she smiles and can't stop looking at my mouth.


where: dinner outside. either a restaurant or a picnic. hell, we could go to a potluck group thing and tell stories on each other. making me blush is not easy, but she could do it with a glance. then something we could get some steam out over. swimming, playing with someone else's kids, taking the dogs to the lake, climbing. we retire quietly, at home, hers or mine. maybe a shower, definitely some wine, some music, some close dancing. if you can't figure out what happens next, i feel sorry for you.


why: i deserve it.


11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?


jameson, the devil. i love her so.


12. Okay; girls and gay guys stand over here; guys and lesbians over there (I know and love my readership) …Girls and gay guys first: You're in bed with Marilyn Monroe, Doris Day and Salma Hayek. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? (you're only allowed one).And similarly, guys and lesbians: You're in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman and Johnny Depp. Who's gonna be the lucky guy? (again, you're only allowed one).Give your reasons.


johnny depp. hands down. [although i have me some serious love for paul newman.] from 21 jump street, through benny and joon to the pirates. you've seen that poster where he's playing a piano, smoking? hot. and secure enough in his masculinity to bed this lesbian.


13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?


take off your shoes.


14. What is your favorite curse word?


you monosyllabic, mouth-breathing fool, i don't use words. i use phrases.


15. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object (that's "inanimate" … leave your kids to burn; you know you want to). So what’s the item?


fuck that shit. a crate of my journals and writings. girl's gotta build her fortune.



16. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

***edited answer***
sorry, i gave this one some thought. F that person.
i'd go see my mom. what we would talk about is beyond posting here on this blog.
she'll take care of everything else.

17. Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?


truthfully, at the moment, nothing. i just got in from work, walked the dog, showered and am wearing sweats from the thrift store and a ratty-ass v-neck sleeveless undershirt. no panties. none. at all.


18. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?



when i graduated college, we had a party at the house. all the rellies came in from out of town. the power went out. we sat on the front porch and sang songs. john denver and the songs my dad raised us on. the songs my aunties used to sing to me and my sisters before they had kids of their own. we sat there and laughed and enjoyed each other's company and were each secretly grateful that the game wasn't on TV.


19. Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment number eleven is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?

if ye stick thine head so far up thine ass that ye forgets all that is good and wonderful in this world, i will still love thee and clean the shit from thine face with my own spit on my thumb.



20.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?


tough call. most of my horrible experiences have made me what i am. but recently, i kissed someone else's wife [damn that jameson!], and it bothered someone i would like to consider a good friend more so than the wife [to whom i confessed immediately]. if i could not have been in a position to compromise my friendship with her, i would do it. she is one of the only other women i know who pushes the envelope as hard as i do at work and with her friends. i fucked up. and i feel like an asshole for that.


21. Rufus appears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who's gonna get it?

me, moments before above mentioned situation. i would like to think that getting pied in the face after a double and some whiskey might make me loud and obnoxious, which would have kept me out of the corner with someone else's wife.


22. What part of your body would you change (no, you are NOT perfect; you gotta answer this one) and why?


i'm trying to lose 25 to 30 pounds. that should take care of what i'm not currently wild about. aside from that, i was a little too care free in highschool, so the girls could use a little pick-up, which is odd, because many a lover has complimented them...


23. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?


ha! this is so funny, it's not even hard to imagine! while i want to say Twisted
Spoke [keep those Road Rash Mary's coming!] i'd be just as at home with a juke box, a dart board and something smooth on tap. and yet, there is a little voice saying, "hmmm... my irish/german heritage and alcohol.... hmmm."


24. What's the last thing you ate?


graham crackers and peanut butter with chocolate ice cream at ten pm with my cohort at the hospital talking about how moody i was.


25. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?


there was a super-powers question?!?!?! i was cheated!!


i already float. i teach other people to float. i show them all of the time.


next question.


26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?


when i was a sophomore in high-school, we lost a senior, who came to visit me after she died. i want to know what it is she was supposed to tell me, what it is we were supposed to accomplish, how it was she was supposed to link me to something or someone else. something in my life was supposed to be different because of her. i'd bring her back and for that reason only, would i go back to highschool.


27. What’s your theme song?


joyful girl, ani


28. When did you last have sex?


define sex. .... either way, much, much, much too long.

how to survive a double

1. bring fresh panties [girls or boys], wash and change at half time. makes a world of difference. more important on nights you're working the floor and can get a little funky.

2. bring snacks from home. yeah, i know you're going to eat the pizza they order on evenings anyway. of course, you're going to drink that extra coke. sure, that tub of skippy peanut butter goes well on so many things: graham crackers, white bread, apples, a spoon. but don't you feel better eating those carrot sticks and a string cheese at 3 am?

3. bring other things to do. ain't no way you're gonna have no time from 3 pm to 7 am to sit on your kiester and do something else. like, a book, sudoku, something to write in, draw in, homework, letters to mom, list of things to put in your blog... you get the idea.

4. pace your caffeine intake. to be frighteningly honest, i've had sips of coffee since i got here. i'm trying not to soar then crash. i filled the french press with Mate and Chai before i left. that had me shaking through dinner.

...okay, that was fun for a minute. they have me working the desk tonight. a joy and pleasure reserved for "student nursing assistants" .... is now a good time to say i'm not a student anymore? i wish. it wouldn't get me out of this mess. i make a terrible secretary. i used to be good at it, but now that i'm a hands on patients kind of girl, this shit drives me crazy!

phones that don't stop ringing for hours. nurses who want you to page doctors, but Lordisa above forbid the nurse actually knows the name of the doctor they want to speak to. orders that you have to enter on the computer in a system you have minimal experience entering orders on. two entire computer systems to track patients, one of which you have no access to, the other to which you've had zero training.

and then the night shift comes on. you've got two assistants on the floor and it's fairly dead-ass quiet, and you're answering lights to keep them from beeping your ass insane!

maybe i shouldn't pull doubles anymore.... maybe i should win the lottery.

okay, okay. 5. dick around on google image because you can't pull up photos to post.

abide with me

abide with me, fast falls the even tide
the darkness deepens, lord with me abide
when other helpers fail and comforts flee
help of the helpless, oh, abide with me

did i tell you about the last double i worked?

swift to its close ebbs out life's little day
earth's joys grow dim it's glories pass away
change and decay in all around i see
o thou who changest not, abide with me

there's a point at which the muscles

i imagine my wings would use

ache
if i had wings

i need thy presence every passing hour
what but thy grace can foil the tempter's power
who like thyself my guide and stay can be
through cloud and sunshine, oh abide with me

yet, as tired as i am, i keep coming to that bedside

hell, i'll even tell you i'm exhausted

but i still come

i hear no foe with thee at hand to bless
ills have no weight and tears no bitterness
where is death's sting? where grace thy victory?
i triumph still if thou abide with me

and i think to myself:

this is what i woke up for.

this is why i feel good before i go to sleep.

hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes
shine through the gloom and point me to the skies
heavens morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee
in life in death, oh lord, abide with me

now only if Sallie Mae practiced such grace.

need a challenge?

go to google dot com, maps.
click on get directions.
from new york, new york to london, england.
scroll down to #23.

how bout that for an afternoon?

much love,
my big sister

still feeling badly?

did you get this cake, today?

me neither.

but i *did* get a letter from the alternate nursing school. the one that was very respectable in telling me i was pissing up a rope with my transfer attempt. they have officially taken a pass on me enrolling this fall.

i'm not that upset. i kind of knew the answer already. i've started a savings account. i'm rearranging my credit card debt. i'm making calls to consilidate and otherwise fix the loans so that they are no so oppressive for a while. i'm looking into other jobs in the medical field. i'm getting ready to leave the house so i can teach some kiddie poos not to drown and have lots of parents tell me how great i am. i'm making a plan and sticking to it.

i haven't the slightest idea what i am going or supposed to do about this nursing school thing, right now.

my big sister says maybe i should back burner nursing school and pay down life for a while [my current debt load after a bachelors in psychology from a 4 year private university and my train wreck of a year in this accelerated nursing program is suffocatingly akin to someone with a mortgage and a car payment].

breathe in.

breathe out.

and so we wait

did you get this Dr Seuss book? Kim, i'm with you, pass the peanut brittle:

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted.

But mostly they're darked.

A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out?

Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose?

How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right

...or right-and-three-quarters?

Or, maybe, not quite?

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place......

for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

ahhh.... kimmy, kimmy, kim...

sigh. a rose by any other name... click on her cover of Where Soul Meets Body. The story is the guy from Death Cab heard this cover [it got copied to an mp3 player and passed along to him over lunch months ago] and had the biggest compliment for Rose involving losing his current honey for the girl who sang like that. ...

i've got my moodier mix on. the one i haven't listened to in months because i haven't had time to be in my own space with my own music with my own self because i've been too busy out takin' care of other people and their more immediate needs.

poor KimmyK just celebrated forty years of this cockeyed existence and she gets eaily confused: "I do have a question though Yorlor, explain watching the "3 YEAR OLD" to me. Whose 3 year old is this? Yours?"

kimmy, kimmy, kim .... i have no children of my own in the sense that there are no children in my house who wake up at two am and call out "mom" waiting for yours truly to answer them, or let them into bed when they show up drippy nosed and furrow browed about the boogie man or a missing teddy bear. [although when i write that part of me wishes i did].

i watch other people's kids. the 3 year old and the 5 year old are brothers. i worked with the 5 year old when he wasn't even two at a day care and when the 3 year old became a reality, i nannied that family for almost a year. i left to do the one year nursing program which i managed to F*#$ up, and am back watching the 3 year old roughly once a week for part of the day. it keeps me happy, connected and in love with moments like these, brought only to you by a 3 year old boy:
"buddy! time for lunch! come on down!" child arrives at table without his pants [not shocking as he has just gone to the bathroom and is known for kicking off the pants in the process]. what Yorlor doesn't catch on to is that the child has also left behind his skivvies, which brings us to the highlight of our entire week as Yorlor brings sliced apples to the table to compliment some rediculously wholesome lunch she has prepared. "where is your underwear and why are you touching your penis at the lunch table, buddy?"

HA!

i swear. my life couldn't get much better if i tried.

and i work with kids at the pool, where i teach them not to drown. i teach group classes, and private lessons. parents have called me at night to tell me that their children prayed for me at bedtime. they show off in the bathtub and insist that i get a full report at lessons. they wake up every morning and ask "is it swimming day?" one child, while making cookies at home with mom, thoughtfully desired to bring me some and then realized "but mom, she lives in the pool! she can't eat cookies in the pool!"

and so these kids are mine.

as are my nieces, and old neighbor's kids, and my baby cousins and my friend's kids and your kids, one day.

they just are.

i'll get mine. one day. whether they come out of my body or just cling to it.

they'll pad their tiny feet down the hallway and up to the bedside, picking which body they want to cuddle up to, which will likely be me, because i am a giant sucker with a capital stick up my ass. "momma? can i come sweep wif you? i'm code. [or skayered. or i don't feel so dood.]" and i will dutifully flap the heavy cover back over my hip to reveal the pocket of cuddly warm goodness that child longs for. he or she, or both of them, will crawl in and settle their wiggly little buns up against my belly and their hair will likely tickle my nose as i inhale the perfume of their innocent little head into my memory. "Lordisa, let them remember these moments when they need me and i can't be there." eventually they'll fall asleep and we may wake up in seperate beds again, but in that moment ...

oh dear, oh me , oh my...

i've confused you again, haven't i, dear?

i am single.

i have no children who call me mom [on purpose].

i am not a cat owning lesbian.

[i am watching friend's dog while she is over seas for the summer.]

i'm going to bed.