69's a charm

my post, you sicko, my 69th post... dude. keep it in your pants.

i wish i had happier news to report:

my BK has stopped all her treatment.

her pain has jumped in the past week and a half and her pain meds would knock a college football team on it's ass. i'm working to find her an acupuncturist that makes house calls.

the pharmacists were so accomodating and compassionate when i went to pick up some meds that i cried. his face was so honest: "i know how much she needs this, they normally order x and this is for y, and we don't have that much in stock..." so he gave us what he could and called her MD to tell him why she would need more of a controlled substance sooner than he planned her to need it. i told him about the other changes i knew of, and the manager came over to tell me she would make sure to order them so that B could get what she needed. "wow. [sniff] that means the world to us. thank you. really. thank you."

it's getting harder to go into work, especially when walking into her house seems to alleviate something from her pain. even if only the loneliness.

forgive my absence. i can't be everywhere for a while.

until then,
be well.

damn...

slick kicks my tits.

another night given up to the ethers.

this must be my protesting the lonliness.

no dog to help me unwind so i come home and keep myself awake connecting to ya'll.

this is what i get for going on vacation.

_*_*_*_*_

true story i'm going to tell despite my eyelids falling in on themselves:

i called bradcito from work looking for affirmation in an amazing scheduling fluke: i have coming up 4-5 saturdays off work. [i'll post my average work week for ya'll another day.] and was telling him about how my boss pulled me into her office tonight. apparently, my inability to disguise or even slightly tamper my emotions, especially when stressed and observing a nurse who isn't paying the fuck attention to what the patient is actually going through, trying to explain/express to the nurse, or what the patient actually needs has made it's mark on the ward.

while my passion, concern, energy and idealism are commendable, i've got to tone it the fuck down. i'm pissing people off.

so... i have to come up with a plan of some sort to work on my professional development in said areas. things like "how can i appraoch people so that they respond to me in a positive manner?"

me: how well do you think it would go over if i said the steps i would take to improve the situation involved me getting laid?
bradcito: *laughter* that would be hilarious.

sigh, me.
smoov p, where are you, now?

guilty, as charged, your honor.

"The trouble with most people is they want to see things where there is nothing to be seen." [thanks, fire, for that bit of inspiration. no, i did not get in trouble with our friend. merely borrowing his wisdom for my late night missive to the ethers.]

and, yet, this may be the very quality that people find refreshing in me. some times.

at least four times i walked into patient's rooms this evening and greeeted the gowned one so openly that they had to think twice about whether or not they had met me before. [the answer: nope. she's just like that.]

i was working another floor. so i stopped into the rooms of a couple of my floor's folks before i left. "they're shipping me off tonight, so i wanted to say hello before i took off." these folks genuinely smiled when i walked in the door. as frustrating as it may get, my life doesn't suck. again, she's just like that.

i should be sleeping. i have a date with BK tomorrow, to bring her treasures.

for her earring making. like 'em? wanna pair? comment me. i'll hook ya up. 25 clams. my auntie normally hunts up heart shaped rocks. but i got her hooked on the cause, and she became the grandmaster of crinoid hunters. and then my girl makes these beautiful jewelry. that gigantic thing on the right with the star in the middle is the grand-daddy of finds. mostly, they are little disc shaped things like in the photo with my wee little hand behind it. [need a set of fingerprints, anyone?]

but i digress, i was talking about making love out of nothing at all [you're very welcome for getting that stuck in yer wee noggins for the rest of the week!] which, i have to error on the side of saying, is a gift.

yeah, sure, i've missed the ball. big time. but sometimes it pays off.

no, i'm not seeing anyone. nor am i particularly crushing on anyone new. just thinking in general. about the things people like about being around me. about the reasons those who love me so fiercely love me. and i have to say that my ability to love hard and fall fast is probably one of them. [a couple of my friends have been calling. they've hit the skids for one reason or another, and i'm the one they think of to call. the one they want to see. the one they want to be around. hell, my cousin even called upon my assessment skills when he felt like ass. feels good. not gonna lie. i'm the one they can be themselves the most around. i ain't gonna make 'em feel anything they don't wanna feel. just gonna take 'em right where they are, just the way they are. (i'll prod around a bit, test the boundaries. not gonna lie about that, either.)] so now i guess i'm trying to cultivate that more intentionally. plant what i desire to reap. allow myself to be pruned so that i can pass through the gates of trial and temptation more easily. not be set back by my own short-comings so quickly. or at such needless cost.

open myself to change.

don't get me wrong. burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice and you can go fuck yerself. i'm not a door mat. but i do dive deep. fast. and hard. i'll lose big if that's what the situation call for. but if i can avoid it, if it isn't going to get me anywhere, i'll walk.

and i don't like taking "nothing" for an answer. i'll bug yer ass. open the hell up.

i've learned a bit over the years. back up. give 'em some room. let 'em see you do your thing and 'ell come to you. business. love. friends. family.

don't sweat 'em. do your thing. it will all fall into place when it's time. [holy pants, batman, geraldo and freddy mercury had a love child! sorry, got distracted by glorious videos...] do i sound like a cheesy ass after-school-special, yet?

sigh. [see, i wasn't lyin.]

and so it goes.

but isn't that why you love me? because i'm not afraid to see anything and everything that is and could be. because blank sheets of paper don't scare me. the idea of nothing but opportunity doesn't scare me. the chance to start over doesn't make me want to run away.

nor does a bucket of mud. or a rusted out motor. or a broken window sill. or a dying cow in the road. or a butt-load of regret and remorse.

if you're willing, for one moment, to believe in the next moment, i'm game.

and that scares the living shit out of you, now, doesn't it? *she gets that gleam in her eye* (how does she ~do~ it?) because i really, never, really, will never give up.

so maybe you're really sayin' "back off. i'll tell ya when i'm good and GD ready to tell ya." and not so much "ain't nothin there, kiddo. quit foolin' yerself."

it's cool. i got time. i can wait.

you know where to find me.

for goth

"i think it's going to rain."

"it is raining."

"yeah."