dammit: warning, you will listen to every song, twice.

thanks to spanish fly and the one i had drinks with, this has been playing in my head for weeks and i can't stop singing it... the one i had drinks with said this was one of the first songs he taught himself to play on the guitar, which he recently purchased and started to play. i originally told him that fact put him immediately in my top three of all people, but being well on my way to being stumbly drunk and realizing i knew this guy all of not-long-enough to have that title i said, "make that top five," "i've been demoted already!!" "i've gotta pee, get over this on yer own, bucko." it's amazing what i can do to a man's ego in five minutes flat.

this one is more amuzing because of dave's hair, but the guitar is so out of tune i didn't make it past the word orphan. it's called a sound check, guys. thanks.

at any rate, it all makes me think about highschool, which can't be done without hearing this in the back of my head. which makes me rather smile, a lot. i lusted after a boy i went to church with {!!!} who looked a bit like scott wieland. we were also both swimmers. we swam for arch rival teams. i tell ya, swimming is a great sport for puberty. all that skin. muscles. rippling. take yer mark. grunt, lunge, splash and roar. ... mmmm. yum. ironic enough, it was when i was caught watching boys change that i was really first called a lesbo.... hmmmm.... maybe they just caught on that i got out of the locker room a bit quickly. [i didn't exactly go to highschool in a homo-friendly atmosphere.] oh, but he is so delicious...

then there was the guy i met through some weekend jesus marathon. i went on the girl's weekend. he went the next month on the guy's weekend along with a guy i went to school with. we would all congregate for evenings of consolation that we were no longer in our little jesus bubble. [note, it was on this weekend that i not only stated i didn't want to fall head over heals in love with some incredible boy, the romance? the butterflies? the ring??!!??!? but would rather have a committment ceremony wherein me and my best friend would state just that: that we were best friends and would be there for each other, no matter what; but, i also spent the entire weekend running across the room to kiss a girl full on the mouth, all in the name of agape... riiiiiight. who's a little gay?] i went to hang out with people who didn't think i was a freak. eventually, we got to be buddies and i drove out to the middle of nowhere farm country to hang out, and i remember he played journey until i understood what it meant to rediscover anybody. this was the kid who called me dyke and it made me smile. like being a lesbian wasn't like having the plague, or some flesh eating disease, but something kind of cool, maybe even special. something other people would want to be around me for. or just the idea that others could want me.

i had some friends in highschool. not many. the majority of them were from church. we had dances. that hot swimmer kid played in a band that played all my favorite moody songs, and then some. and some i wish they had played. [yes, sg, each word is a different song, because i kick that much ass.] but it was church... they had fun together on stage. they weren't afraid to put it out there. i danced until my legs burned. and then i danced harder. you could have cut glass on my calves. sweaty. salty. hungry for things i didn't yet have language for. i danced. throbbed. longed for something i understood, but couldn't talk about. even about the boys i fancied. i didn't have words or cognitive comprehension. i just felt.

oh bother, it's 3. i have a lunch date with a dear and awesomely great friend and i have to go jogging first.

thanks for playing.

yors