...um, hiya,,,,

i'm stil here.
a nurse.
a real live nurse.
waiting for the phone call to be a nurse for lots of people who need a good one.
an incredible one.

i'm still here.

and i've got so much to tell you.

....kiss me, before you go. i'm goin' nowhere now...

lyrics of Barfly by Ray LaMontagne playing on my Pandora at the library

i've spent a lot of time here over the past couple of months, as you can imagine. free wi-fi, no pressure to buy coffee you don't want to drink and relatively safe. when i have a table buddy i never hesitate to pee.

there's a guy who's been here as regularly, if not more so, than i have. he works on a laptop and i've been known to sit here for four or five hours in a row job searching and chatting on the facebook with the fam while they slave away at their respective day jobs. at first i thought maybe he was unemployed, like me. maybe he is. maybe he works "from home." ... no idea. but today he's clearly reading something and mouthing the words to himself. just gets me curious. but being as this is the public space we're all supposed to feel safe in, i don't play Friends With Strangers. not, yet.

dang - pandora is good to me. My Skin by Natalie Merchant

so, yeah. I've got this job offer and i'm having a tough time knowing my transition is going to kick me in the ass so hard i might cry for a week.

i'll be going from next to no scheduled activity to working five days a week, class two nights a week, teaching one night a week, clinical on saturdays and teaching on sundays... can you do the math, there, folks? no lime for ol yorlor.

wow.

holy crap.

and yet i'm grateful for the opportunity and the challenge. Touchstone's first words were about how i'd be working for the social justice. it made me miss having him around, the bastard. he's still in guatemala with the local chica, planning to follow her wherever she lands for grad school. ... breathe in, breathe out.

i'm waiting for my unemployment to come out of appeal and, naturally, hoping they'll rule in my favor and i'll get back pay from october [a good chunk of change, my friends] which will get me out of the rears with everyone and give me the chance to take a sunday off from teaching from time to time this semester. maybe even take a day trip out to see BK's folks.

in the meantime i've got lists of things to try and get done each day and just in general and then there are lists of things to do if this appeal clears in my favor, like new shoes and maybe a faucet for the kitchen.

alright, kiddos, i've got to keep the job hunt up. mom says hunt until dinner is on the table. so hunt i will.

kisses,
yl

good things come...

i got a job offer on friday, the 2nd, and i accepted it.
to begin in three weeks.


three


weeks.


so i've got a lot more time on my hands.
but now it seems finite [because it is] and i think i'm going to have an easier time being productive.
we'll see how that goes.

what a long strange trip...

happy new year.
no, this is not my resolution to blog more often.
it's just time.
time that i got over the fact that my family loves me and will comment on what i write and that's okay. cuz now we're all on facebook and i do it to them all the time. :?p

i've been out of work since my last post.
living off the 100 bucks a week i make teaching people not to drown.
"living off" is a gracious term. i've been living off of grace and mercy and divine intervention, and parents who love me enough to keep me from going into collections on a shared college loan.

the manager who told me to "just go away" convinced unemployment i left of my own accord and was not fired, and unemployment is backed up, so my appeal won't see the lights of a lawyer's eyes for another two weeks.

it's been interesting.
and good for me.

i went home for christmas, which was wonderful.
i spent new years putting kids to bed for cash, which was rewarding in many ways, not the least of which was not being the one who puked.

i have had a couple of interviews, only one of which seems to have panned out even remotely, but even then i just got an email that said "just to let you know, we haven't made any decisions."
um, "thanks, happy new year."

exhale.

so my apartment is very clean.
and i've been watching a night with kevin smith incessantly since i got back from my parents.

life's alright.

hope all is well with you.
much love,
yors

mom posted this, so you know it's got some nuggatty goodness in it.
somewhere along the middle, i thought of Maria's co-worker.
blessings to you and yours.
~starting over


"Please" and "Thank You" are the two most important words in the communication process.
"Excuse me" and "Pardon me" are next.
Keep your promises. Do what you say you are going to do. Make it important to be a person of your word.
Rude is an example of your ignorance and lack of respect for the other person.
Apologizing is essential to survival. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Just own them and learn and get on with life.
Smoking is dumb, expensive and stinky. It affects everyone.
Courteous behavior goes a long way.
Appreciate what you have. One day you may find out that you have more than you ever imagined and wasted time complaining that it was not enough.
Sing whenever possible. It can get you through the hardest of times.
Stop the complaining. You may miss the most important minute of your day because you were grousing about the last ten minutes being not what you wanted them to be.
Keep your things picked up and orderly. Live simply. Less is more.
Never mind about what others have. They are not you and you are not they. You were made to be the individual that you are. One of a kind. Stay true to yourself. Always.

rehab expounded

i asked for this
a new beginning
a kind of cleansing beginning that might
lose me from the noose
of the yoke i have carried
for so many years



pride
self sustaining ego
an anger that kept everyone
just close enough to admire it
but too strong for anyone to
truly get close
without getting hurt




and so here i am
starting over
in life
in work
in school
in my home
in myself





every day
every hour
every moment



phone calls,
emails,
posts,
lectures,
clinicals,
shifts,
meals,
walks,
income,
expenses.





all an opportunity to start new
afresh
perhaps wizened
perhaps with the knowledge that this time


this time



this
time




i can make something fruitful
in a way i haven't been able to bear fruit
before.







...i will start anew with each step,
i will allow myself to die and be born again
with each breath.
let them only see my breathing.

....i want....

i have this habit
i'm not even always aware of

where i'll be walking
or stretching
or on the train
or an escalator


and i'll be thinking inside my head
like taffy being pulled apart
for whatever reason it is
one stretches taffy apart
over
and over
and over
and over
again



and it just eeps out




...i want...


and sometimes i don't even realize i'm saying it
out loud




but i do.





i.



want.




a clean start.
and i'm getting it.
like i've never had it given me before.

tonight i was hungry

for something below my belly button

for the mouth

the skin

the scent

the sweat

of someone who wants me

why does it feel

sometimes

like nobody wants me

[except kimmersk, if i were to get her drunk enough

and slick, if he weren't so head over head (sorry) for trish,

god bless her ever-loving soul]

step one....

this must be what rehab feels like...

i've never had the opportunity to start over so completely as i do right now.

i lost my job

so i started waiting tables

for a man who's entire life

revolves around that restaurant

and he's a good guy

but he lacks finesse

and kindness in his delivery

and it is grating

and i don't like to be talked to that way

and all he want to hear is

"okay"

and all i want to say is

"why are you so angry?"

but this isn't my place, either.

it's an ongoing theme.

something i've struggled with from the womb,

i am certain.

no insult to my mother,

lordisa knows she tried to set the right example.

lord knows she would say

"it's none of my business"

"i just keep my head down"

"i just do my job and go home"

god knows my father lived and still lives

most of his life

just like that.

...

and i didn't get it.

"why the f--k would you do that?"

"why can't you say something?"

"that is so retarded"

"i'm not going to just sit there"

"i've got to call it the moment it happens"

"i can't let it sit like that"

"i don't put up with the bull s--t"

2 shifts next week.

"okay."

school is only going so much better.

if it weren't for my clinical instructor

i'd be out on my ass.

really.

yet she coaches me like noone else has ever done

not that others haven't tried.

i've just been too bull headed to listen.

too

bull

headed.

i can't even eat.

i have no appetite.

i tried.

i can't afford the place i just moved into,

so i've decided to move out,

rather than find another job to

bust my ass and make something work

that isn't what i really want

and isn't what i need.

i'm waiting for my license from the state

to CNA.

so i'm downsizing.

on two shifts in a week.

what will i do with my time?

[find another job,

find another place to live,

find myself inside this

hot mess of a situation

and try to kindly

and gently

pull myself out.]

oh,

and pack.

and the part that hurt the most

tonight?

someone lied

when he realized i really liked him

and wasn't just being nice

or friendly

or coquettish.

yeah.

to me.

that's what really hurt the most.

[if you have any sense of compassion, dear family,

you will just let me say these things

without feeling like you had something to do with why i left

in the first place.

i left because i didn't feel like i belonged.

not because you didn't love me.

not because you didn't care.

not because i couldn't figure it out under the same roof

as you.

i left for me.

and i'm still figuring it out.

and that has to be enough

sometimes.

it has to be enough,

for now.

i love you.

yors [first]]