a little more of me

hey ya'll and fire,

today i had brunch with bk's little sister, who was in town on business and stayed for pleasure. did you know that we have the same initials? all three of 'em! neat, huh?

i told her how school was going and how i really have come to a humble appreciation that i am completely starting over, in a way i have only imagined but never experienced before. i used the analogy from the C.S. Lewis lenton devotional [a clean heart create in me] i've had for years, since college, that i've been reading again [when i'm in the bathroom] because it seems fitting.

he talks about turning around:

"we all want progress. but progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. and if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. if you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man. we have all seen this when doing arithmetic. when i have started a sum the wrong way, the sooner i admit this and go back to start over again, the faster i shall get on. there is nothing progressive about being pigheaded and refusing to admit a mistake. and i think if you look at the present state of the world, it is pretty plain that humanity has been making some big mistakes. we are on the wrong road. and if that is so, we must go back. going back is the quickest way on."

and she said that she couldn't imagine starting over like that. because it runs in her family to just keep making turns until you right the damn thing, as i had said was my typical M.O.

i told her it was like putting down a nap sack after having hiked all over the place. i just finally figured out that i could, and should, put down all the stuff i was carrying. i've talked to a lot of people about this. so i'll meld all my stories into one from here.

it's relieving. to not have to carry all the hardship.

if i carry all the anger and bitterness from the last school then i am only angry and bitter and that taints my experiences with people here and now.

if i carry all the sadness and hardship of losing my best friend and all the work it took to make it work then i am just tired and worn and sad. my hands are not free to catch, hold and carry the things before me and yet to come.

i have to let go.

it is one thing to say "i have been here before. i might have a trick for getting over this mountain with less fatigue, less trauma, less loss."

it is another thing to carry that mountain with me as i climb it.

and so it is i begin again with a new way to look at starting over.

you can't just scrape your plate clean and walk to the back of the line.

you must give your plate over.

hand in your fork.

wipe the crumbs off your shirt and then return to the line.

trust that they will have a plate for you.

what if you really need a bowl?

then what good will it have done you to hold on to that plate?

and that plate needs cleaning.

real cleaning.

clean of the memory you associate with it.

you need a new plate.

something to start over with.

new sheet of paper.

new pen.

old book.

start over.

"how do you *know* this already?"

"just do."

"you've done this before."

"yeah. yeah i have."

and that is usually all i have to say about it, anymore.

a shout out to my good classmate, here,

who tells me to keep my mouth shut.

we spoke on the phone tonight, our first exam being tomorrow.

if it weren't for her, i might not have realized i was going

the wrong way.

it is easy, when one has been travelling for so long

by one's self

not to realize when you're not doing

the right thing.

she helps keep me in line.

this week i will lug my five pound nursing book to class

anyway

and take notes while she lectures

from the book

which seems a little silly to me

but if that's what it takes

to keep my sorry ass out of trouble

then so be it.

it was so good to see bk's sis today.

when she talked i could her parts of bk in her voice

i could see bk in her facial expressions

i learned so much more about their family

we plotted and schemed about the holidays

i told her i'd like to come see her in st louis

she said she'd love to have me

oh, what bliss blossoms when we allow love to remain.

good night, ya'll.

night, fire.