i don't trust myself.

that's something my sister said to me a couple of weeks ago when we were having it out.

i told her i've been keeping people at a good arm's length for quite some time, but that i've been remarkably aware of it sense bk passed.

i said i didn't trust them.

other people.

they let me down.
they hurt me [literally and figuratively].
they didn't ever seem to know what to do with me.
and the one's that did? i don't seem to want them to want me that way...

i'm going to see ani tomorrow

the opening band sounds like this

which is getting me in the mood for this excursion.

i was worried about it.

i'm going with a good friend, i'd like to call an old friend.

but somethings have happened lately that rupture my trust

in our friendship

in his trust in our friendship

in my ability to pick good people with which to surround myself.

i'm a pretty picky mother fucker.

and maybe it's because i don't trust myself.

having to make the right choice

all of the time.

it's exhausting.

[wasn't it me who coined the phrase "if i weren't so responsible i'd be getting laid"...?]

what am i holding on to so tightly?

some phantasmagorical idea of myself?

some ideal that even if you don't like me you have to admit

i'm right.

even if i've been wronged,

i was right.

i did the right thing.

you can't blame me for this not working out.

i was right.

[sound familiar?]

...

how's that working out for you so far, eh kiddo?

so it's that i don't trust myself.

trust that i'm the one you want to know for more than a few years.

so i move.

trust that i'm not the one you want to wake up to.

so i go home.

or find away to not stay over.

or a reason to keep you at the far end of my arm, fucker.

over there.

just stay over there.

i say it's easier being alone.

i say at least i know how to do that.

i say that it scares other people away. [that i'm not afraid to be alone, and that there are those who are. and to someone who's afraid to be alone, my not being afraid scares them off. they have no ammunition. i have nothing to lose. they have nothing to bargain with. take it or leave it, bucko. i don't care.]

huh.

how's that working out for you, kiddo?

i can't be trusted.

i can't trust myself.

which leaves me

pensive

critical

alone.

[mom, if you're going to comment,

let it be on my use of the word

phantasmagorical.

please be gentle.

your daughter's not feeling to royal right now.

and it's not your fault.

i swear on my life.

you're the reason i make it anywhere i go.]