sorry, thinking

i made veggie chili today.


soaked two full bags of dried beans last night.
one navy, one pinto.
that's a lot of frickin' beans.


so i dropped them in the crock pot before noon, added a butt load of garlic, a cinnamon stick, some cumin, some chili powder, a pinch of cayenne, a palm of pepper, a butt load of canned tomatoes (also takes care of the salt factor), a big ol' onion, and a couple green zucchinis.


it was a hit.


little cheese, some jiffy corn bread muffins and my little study night/productivity factory was full of happy campers.


i like it when people like my cooking. how could you not?


so, i'm sorry i didn't post last night.
i was stuck.

when i was a child i was in a class for kids who couldn't sit still.

ELO (extended learning opportunities)

TAG (talented and gifted)

we did puzzles, tan grams, spatial relations

research projects, higher level math and reading

it worked for me.

the first nursing program i was in, the one akin to nursing on speed?

just my style.

just my speed.

but still, i'm a bit of an ass in large classes.

80 kids in a lecture hall is distracting.

i want to chat.

i want to interact.

i want you to ask me questions.

make it personal.

engage me.

and if you're not going to engage me and you want me to keep it shut

i'm going to bring something else to quietly hold my attention.

oops.

so there were moments there, on top of all the other stuff that was going on.

but now, i'm in a class of twenty.

the room itself is maybe twice the size of my bedroom.

the teacher means well, but she's still getting used to her game.

i'm growing impatient.

bored.

restless.

i'm talking for the teacher.

i see a problem.

so tonight i asked my mom how i got into those classes when i was a kid.

did she ask about them?

was i screened?

did my teachers see my budding genius?

...i had behavioral issues in class...

[thanks for snorting there, fire]

and she had to ask about the alternatives.

go, mom.

...i'm recognizing my behavioral patterns now...

i have time.

i'm not simply tired from work.

i'm not overwhelmed with the passing of a friend

or the schedule of her care.

i don't even have a dog or a loved one to get home to.

truth be told, it was easier then.

when i had so much going on.

it consumed me.

filled the spaces.

left me just enough time to focus.

now?

i'm just bored.

and fidgety.

and restless.

and i'd rather chat.

or go over stuff on my own.

or with a classmate.

or teach the damn stuff myself

because at least then we'd be goingoveritinatimelyfashion.

sigh.

so you see how this might cause pause for reflection.

um, mom? i think i need some

coping skills.

like, quick.

i can't afford to fuck this up, again.

no, no, no.

you did everything right.

you set me up for success.

you got me into classes.

you gave me tools.

you did the right thing.

i just wasn't paying attention.

when i realized i was different from other kids,

i missed the part about getting the attention i needed.

i didn't put special and special together.

my bad.

not yours.

...and so it goes, dear internets.

and so it goes.

how was yer day?