i'm just here

it's been rough.

i just want it all to be a bad dream. i just want her to call. i just want things to go back to the way they were before she had cancer. i just want to be at the point where i moved south to be near school. i just want it all back.

[breaks down]

i've been packing, stacking, re-organizing, pitching, cleaning, taking time for me.

i just want to detach myself from everything. and most everyone, at times.

i can't get happy about much.

some days i just want to sleep and other days i want to be out noticing the world, like tonight, walking my bike home in what is hopefully the last wet, heavy snow of the winter with my hood off and my head up in wild wonder. i just want to notice, and watch and move through things.

and so many things make sense now, like nursing school...
my best friend was diagnosed with cancer 11 days after moving me into my new apartment so i could be closer to school, a move to help me be less tardy, something i'm not good at on my own.
my grandfather was in and out of the ICU in another state. my family spent lots of time and energy being present for him and for that. there wasn't much left over to tend to the needs of someone who couldn't make better decisions to care for herself.
i put two of my best friends on planes out of the country. the two with whom i spent the most time communicating each week. one of whom i was planning to go live near after graduation, the other with whom i'd rack up 300-600 minutes a month between the hours of 11pm and 3am.
i was living on my own. financially responsible for myself. cleaning my apartment. washing my laundry. feeding myself. being nice to myself. getting myself to do my homework. and did i mention i was working part time in the bloody ER?
...who was i kidding?

and now all i want is my best friend back so we can drink too much red wine and listen to this song i can stop playing on my itunes. or this one, which is just a little bit hopeful. and maybe the one i'm really playing to her afterall. ...