"he's hurting."

my five year old.

well, not my five year old. i have not yet been blessed with the madness of my own children. but once they are mine, they are mine.

he was sitting at the door of his room. upset. i came up to say goodnight. i was heading home. he broke down at my approach. he confessed his crime and told me he wasn't allowed to leave his room for the rest of the night. [i had the three year old captivated in pirate stories while his dad did the dirty deed. i didn't know anything about it. i wish i had. we wouldn't have played games after dinner. i don't dick around with poor behavior. ...back to the kid.] he was broken. he had made a poor choice. he had to sit with the consequences [literally].

i came back down to say goodnight to the dad and the three year old. i conveyed the five year old sobbing wish: "tell my dad i love him, okay?"

"he's hurting." his dad said.

"yeah, he is." i replied.

"he needs to." his dad said.

"yeah. he does." i agreed. "i sympathize with him."

moments and a hug and kiss from the three year old later i was in hoodie and leather jacket and headed out the door. i just started orientation for student nurses at a local hospital. mom got a new and valued job, too. i was in wool pants and a sweater. i got to roll around on the floor with two of my favorite kids ever. we walked the dog after she wet the floor. i gave the mom the gift of a night without being a mom.

i was hurting.

the committee decided to dismiss me from my program.

the error i made was not that horrible. neither was the final i bombed from anxiety over the med error. they were convenient reasons to get rid of me. others have made bigger errors. others have done worse academically.

i'm a difficult student. i did things my way.

certain academic programs don't exactly appreciate that.

especially this one.

so: i hurt. and, i guess, maybe i need to. on some level.

post script ~ the wheels are in motion for the next option. it may take time. my friends are rallying about me, like they do, and i am not defeated by this blow. true to my flexibility: i ain't broke.