yorlor

...um, hiya,,,,

2010-10-25T19:56:00.003-05:00

i'm stil here.
a nurse.
a real live nurse.
waiting for the phone call to be a nurse for lots of people who need a good one.
an incredible one.

i'm still here.

and i've got so much to tell you.

....kiss me, before you go. i'm goin' nowhere now...

2009-01-06T13:18:00.002-06:00

lyrics of Barfly by Ray LaMontagne playing on my Pandora at the library

i've spent a lot of time here over the past couple of months, as you can imagine. free wi-fi, no pressure to buy coffee you don't want to drink and relatively safe. when i have a table buddy i never hesitate to pee.

there's a guy who's been here as regularly, if not more so, than i have. he works on a laptop and i've been known to sit here for four or five hours in a row job searching and chatting on the facebook with the fam while they slave away at their respective day jobs. at first i thought maybe he was unemployed, like me. maybe he is. maybe he works "from home." ... no idea. but today he's clearly reading something and mouthing the words to himself. just gets me curious. but being as this is the public space we're all supposed to feel safe in, i don't play Friends With Strangers. not, yet.

dang - pandora is good to me. My Skin by Natalie Merchant

so, yeah. I've got this job offer and i'm having a tough time knowing my transition is going to kick me in the ass so hard i might cry for a week.

i'll be going from next to no scheduled activity to working five days a week, class two nights a week, teaching one night a week, clinical on saturdays and teaching on sundays... can you do the math, there, folks? no lime for ol yorlor.

wow.

holy crap.

and yet i'm grateful for the opportunity and the challenge. Touchstone's first words were about how i'd be working for the social justice. it made me miss having him around, the bastard. he's still in guatemala with the local chica, planning to follow her wherever she lands for grad school. ... breathe in, breathe out.

i'm waiting for my unemployment to come out of appeal and, naturally, hoping they'll rule in my favor and i'll get back pay from october [a good chunk of change, my friends] which will get me out of the rears with everyone and give me the chance to take a sunday off from teaching from time to time this semester. maybe even take a day trip out to see BK's folks.

in the meantime i've got lists of things to try and get done each day and just in general and then there are lists of things to do if this appeal clears in my favor, like new shoes and maybe a faucet for the kitchen.

alright, kiddos, i've got to keep the job hunt up. mom says hunt until dinner is on the table. so hunt i will.

kisses,
yl

good things come...

2009-01-05T19:08:00.001-06:00

i got a job offer on friday, the 2nd, and i accepted it.
to begin in three weeks.

three

weeks.

so i've got a lot more time on my hands.
but now it seems finite [because it is] and i think i'm going to have an easier time being productive.
we'll see how that goes.

what a long strange trip...

2009-01-01T23:44:00.004-06:00

happy new year.
no, this is not my resolution to blog more often.
it's just time.
time that i got over the fact that my family loves me and will comment on what i write and that's okay. cuz now we're all on facebook and i do it to them all the time. :?p

i've been out of work since my last post.
living off the 100 bucks a week i make teaching people not to drown.
"living off" is a gracious term. i've been living off of grace and mercy and divine intervention, and parents who love me enough to keep me from going into collections on a shared college loan.

the manager who told me to "just go away" convinced unemployment i left of my own accord and was not fired, and unemployment is backed up, so my appeal won't see the lights of a lawyer's eyes for another two weeks.

it's been interesting.
and good for me.

i went home for christmas, which was wonderful.
i spent new years putting kids to bed for cash, which was rewarding in many ways, not the least of which was not being the one who puked.

i have had a couple of interviews, only one of which seems to have panned out even remotely, but even then i just got an email that said "just to let you know, we haven't made any decisions."
um, "thanks, happy new year."

exhale.

so my apartment is very clean.
and i've been watching a night with kevin smith incessantly since i got back from my parents.

life's alright.

hope all is well with you.
much love,
yors

2008-10-28T10:01:00.001-05:00

mom posted this, so you know it's got some nuggatty goodness in it.
somewhere along the middle, i thought of Maria's co-worker.
blessings to you and yours.
~starting over

"Please" and "Thank You" are the two most important words in the communication process.
"Excuse me" and "Pardon me" are next.
Keep your promises. Do what you say you are going to do. Make it important to be a person of your word.
Rude is an example of your ignorance and lack of respect for the other person.
Apologizing is essential to survival. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Just own them and learn and get on with life.
Smoking is dumb, expensive and stinky. It affects everyone.
Courteous behavior goes a long way.
Appreciate what you have. One day you may find out that you have more than you ever imagined and wasted time complaining that it was not enough.
Sing whenever possible. It can get you through the hardest of times.
Stop the complaining. You may miss the most important minute of your day because you were grousing about the last ten minutes being not what you wanted them to be.
Keep your things picked up and orderly. Live simply. Less is more.
Never mind about what others have. They are not you and you are not they. You were made to be the individual that you are. One of a kind. Stay true to yourself. Always.

rehab expounded

2008-10-19T11:00:00.002-05:00

i asked for this
a new beginning
a kind of cleansing beginning that might
lose me from the noose
of the yoke i have carried
for so many years

pride
self sustaining ego
an anger that kept everyone
just close enough to admire it
but too strong for anyone to
truly get close
without getting hurt

and so here i am
starting over
in life
in work
in school
in my home
in myself

every day
every hour
every moment

phone calls,
emails,
posts,
lectures,
clinicals,
shifts,
meals,
walks,
income,
expenses.

all an opportunity to start new
afresh
perhaps wizened
perhaps with the knowledge that this time

this time

this
time

i can make something fruitful
in a way i haven't been able to bear fruit
before.

...i will start anew with each step,
i will allow myself to die and be born again
with each breath.
let them only see my breathing.

....i want....

2008-10-19T00:11:00.003-05:00

i have this habit
i'm not even always aware of

where i'll be walking
or stretching
or on the train
or an escalator

and i'll be thinking inside my head
like taffy being pulled apart
for whatever reason it is
one stretches taffy apart
over
and over
and over
and over
again

and it just eeps out

...i want...

and sometimes i don't even realize i'm saying it
out loud

but i do.

i.

want.

a clean start.
and i'm getting it.
like i've never had it given me before.

tonight i was hungry

for something below my belly button

for the mouth

the skin

the scent

the sweat

of someone who wants me

why does it feel

sometimes

like nobody wants me

[except kimmersk, if i were to get her drunk enough

and slick, if he weren't so head over head (sorry) for trish,

god bless her ever-loving soul]

step one....

this must be what rehab feels like...

2008-10-18T23:30:00.006-05:00

i've never had the opportunity to start over so completely as i do right now.

i lost my job

so i started waiting tables

for a man who's entire life

revolves around that restaurant

and he's a good guy

but he lacks finesse

and kindness in his delivery

and it is grating

and i don't like to be talked to that way

and all he want to hear is

"okay"

and all i want to say is

"why are you so angry?"

but this isn't my place, either.

it's an ongoing theme.

something i've struggled with from the womb,

i am certain.

no insult to my mother,

lordisa knows she tried to set the right example.

lord knows she would say

"it's none of my business"

"i just keep my head down"

"i just do my job and go home"

god knows my father lived and still lives

most of his life

just like that.

...

and i didn't get it.

"why the f--k would you do that?"

"why can't you say something?"

"that is so retarded"

"i'm not going to just sit there"

"i've got to call it the moment it happens"

"i can't let it sit like that"

"i don't put up with the bull s--t"

2 shifts next week.

"okay."

school is only going so much better.

if it weren't for my clinical instructor

i'd be out on my ass.

really.

yet she coaches me like noone else has ever done

not that others haven't tried.

i've just been too bull headed to listen.

too

bull

headed.

i can't even eat.

i have no appetite.

i tried.

i can't afford the place i just moved into,

so i've decided to move out,

rather than find another job to

bust my ass and make something work

that isn't what i really want

and isn't what i need.

i'm waiting for my license from the state

to CNA.

so i'm downsizing.

on two shifts in a week.

what will i do with my time?

[find another job,

find another place to live,

find myself inside this

hot mess of a situation

and try to kindly

and gently

pull myself out.]

oh,

and pack.

and the part that hurt the most

tonight?

someone lied

when he realized i really liked him

and wasn't just being nice

or friendly

or coquettish.

yeah.

to me.

that's what really hurt the most.

[if you have any sense of compassion, dear family,

you will just let me say these things

without feeling like you had something to do with why i left

in the first place.

i left because i didn't feel like i belonged.

not because you didn't love me.

not because you didn't care.

not because i couldn't figure it out under the same roof

as you.

i left for me.

and i'm still figuring it out.

and that has to be enough

sometimes.

it has to be enough,

for now.

i love you.

yors [first]]

pele wonder...

2008-10-13T00:23:00.002-05:00

i got your email tonight

i didn't even read it

not this time

all those times you would send a letter

an open letter

to lots of people

and i would sit there

swallow each word

lick each letter

each syllable

caress every idea that i could eek from the madness before me

i used to hold my breath for you to talk to me

i used to wait for you to call

i used to allow the way my name fell from your lips

haunt me

at all hours of the day and night

but this time?

tonight?

this time...

yeah. notsomuch.

[happy one hundredth postings, my lovelies]

defining moments

2008-10-06T23:46:00.004-05:00

so i'm sitting there

in a box seat

at the ani concert and these words

began to come to me

i am an eccentric collection

a mosaic of moments

pieces of people i've known and loved and lost and let go

it wasn't that i forgot the songs

it was that i forgot that i knew them

forgot what they felt like

forgot what they got me through

and where i was when i heard them

when i shared them with others

when i played them over

and over

in my very own ears when noone else was listening

watching them all and thinking

wow. they just don't get it.

huh.

i am the part of you you didn't realize you left behind

the haircut you forgot you needed

the piece that rubs off when you least expect it

the detail you forgot you told me that one night on the water

in the nighttime

under the sky

as ominous as chicken soup.

a patchwork quilt of clothes you wore out

gave away

discarded

ruined

favored

protected

left for me to put together in some other fashion.

a shadowbox of tschotchkies

knick knacks

bits and pieces

and pieces and strings

things and dust

and dust and things

trinkets and plastic and carved wood and twine

porcelain

empty containers

miscellaneous metal

and glue

and yet

there's room

here

for you.

in the middle

the beginning

penultimate

the end

may i never be completed

may you always find room here

2008-10-05T23:24:00.004-05:00

i don't trust myself.

that's something my sister said to me a couple of weeks ago when we were having it out.

i told her i've been keeping people at a good arm's length for quite some time, but that i've been remarkably aware of it sense bk passed.

i said i didn't trust them.

other people.

they let me down.
they hurt me [literally and figuratively].
they didn't ever seem to know what to do with me.
and the one's that did? i don't seem to want them to want me that way...

i'm going to see ani tomorrow

the opening band sounds like this

which is getting me in the mood for this excursion.

i was worried about it.

i'm going with a good friend, i'd like to call an old friend.

but somethings have happened lately that rupture my trust

in our friendship

in his trust in our friendship

in my ability to pick good people with which to surround myself.

i'm a pretty picky mother fucker.

and maybe it's because i don't trust myself.

having to make the right choice

all of the time.

it's exhausting.

[wasn't it me who coined the phrase "if i weren't so responsible i'd be getting laid"...?]

what am i holding on to so tightly?

some phantasmagorical idea of myself?

some ideal that even if you don't like me you have to admit

i'm right.

even if i've been wronged,

i was right.

i did the right thing.

you can't blame me for this not working out.

i was right.

[sound familiar?]

...

how's that working out for you so far, eh kiddo?

so it's that i don't trust myself.

trust that i'm the one you want to know for more than a few years.

so i move.

trust that i'm not the one you want to wake up to.

so i go home.

or find away to not stay over.

or a reason to keep you at the far end of my arm, fucker.

over there.

just stay over there.

i say it's easier being alone.

i say at least i know how to do that.

i say that it scares other people away. [that i'm not afraid to be alone, and that there are those who are. and to someone who's afraid to be alone, my not being afraid scares them off. they have no ammunition. i have nothing to lose. they have nothing to bargain with. take it or leave it, bucko. i don't care.]

huh.

how's that working out for you, kiddo?

i can't be trusted.

i can't trust myself.

which leaves me

pensive

critical

alone.

[mom, if you're going to comment,

let it be on my use of the word

phantasmagorical.

please be gentle.

your daughter's not feeling to royal right now.

and it's not your fault.

i swear on my life.

you're the reason i make it anywhere i go.]

welcome to yorlor university! today's topic: Maslow

2008-09-26T13:53:00.005-05:00

Welcome to yorlor U. {YU, get it? so funny i am!!}

today we're going to address topics cross covered in nursing 101 and psych 210:

developmental psych.

Abraham Maslow was a fairly astute dude, and he had his own thoughts about how humans develop. unlike freud, who most are familiar, stages life development according to sexual needs, expression and pleasure; and unlike Erikson [god bless his sweet soul] who believed that there exist stages of struggle humans must pass through at each age group; Maslow figured there are basic human needs that apply to all people across all age groups that affect development of the community and individual. they run like a pyramid. if the first step isn't solid, you can't really get to or be successful on the second step, because the first step is compromised. not stable. needs attention. even if you've been cruising at level four, if level one breaks, you're all about level one until it's taken care of. no skipping. make sense? here's how it runs.

level one: physiological needs [fizzy-oh-logic-ull] like airway, breathing, circulation; eating, drinking, elimination [poo, for short, fire], sleeping, sex [to procure the species, not always for personal fulfillment, we'll get back to that one in a bit, slick]

level two: safety and security [from predators, from natural disasters, from torture or abuse]; also a sense of order, law, and stability.

level three: social needs of belonging and love. first comes belonging, you've got to feel like you're part of something and then you need to feel loved, be able to give love, etc. these are found in family, relationships, work groups [esp identity for some]. for some, sex for pleasure comes into play, here.

level four: self esteem. this comes from a sense of achievement, reputation, one's status on a group. you see how you would need a sense of belonging to establish your place in that group along with your reputation.

level five: self-actualization. the betterment of one's self, personal fulfillment.

so, you see, in this model, you have to not worry about the first level to focus on the second. if you can't breathe, who gives a rat's ass if you're CEO. if your house has just been ransacked by hurricane what-ever-the-meteorologist's-last-conniving-ex's-name-was, you're not really going to be focusing too hard on, or successful in your pursuit for, the next big award in your field, be it the blow-dryer stylists championship, the blue plate award from the local restaurant association, the state championship in your sport or your bar exam. see how that works?

now, let's apply that shit.

i can breathe, eat and poop [thank you, all that is holy and plastic]. level one: check.
i have a warm, dry, safe and reliable place to live, eat, sleep. i am not being sought after by the mob [that i know of], i am not in an abusive or compromising relationship [romantic, work related, or other], i was not affected first hand by the recent weather patterns [thank you, all that is cold and metallic]. level two, check.
i have recently made a change in the people i spend time with, and therefor associate myself. i have places and people amongst whom i feel a sense of belonging. in those places and people, i can give and receive appropriately acceptable forms of love and affection. level three: check.
my skill set has definitely been defined and refined, lately. people call me for specific skills and talents i possess. this has largely helped me see why it is i will never really succeed in an environment where i am doing less than i am capable, or, to put it differently, if i am not doing all that i can do and being all that i can, i'm not going to do well. i'munna get bored. and we all know how that ends. [not well.] also, i have to be careful not to accept a position that will take advantage of my skills and talents and then expect me sit down and shut up when i'm not merely saving their collective asses. i need to be recognized for the skills and talents i own and am able to use. level four: almost a solid check.

to really and truly reach and work on the next level, i need to be in a place where level four is an actual realization and not just something we all recognize and can admit to.

the job i started last week was a job i can do,

and so many aspects of that job i can do

very well,

[wait tables. there. i said it.]

but because it is not a field in which

i will ever really work to

move up the proverbial ladder

i'm not mixing with all of the peoples so well.

some of them, yes.

but some notsomuch.

well, fuck.

because that is never an impression i wanted to make

on anyone.

so, then i get this phone call...:

i had applied for a job as a physician/physical therapy assistant

the very same day i applied for the table gig

but the table gig needed to get that spot filled

a lot quicker than the PT place.

i interviewed.

i got the job.

i started.

things went alright

but let's be honest

there were never going to be sparks

or a bright and shiny

excited smile on my face

it just wasn't that kind of opportunity

the phone message:

the PT job said

"please call us, we'd like to interview you"

on the day of my first day at the other place

and of my first exam

[i got an a kim, did i tellya that?]

so i called them

and yesterday i had my interview

and they like me

they like my experience

my familiarity with what they do there

my comfort level with people.
and they want to train me.

show me things.

teach me skills.

let me work with people

who come because they need a guide

for the hike they have been handed

this go round.

[an accident, a surgery, a condition...]

and they want to work with me

is anyone else aware that Hootie crossed over into country music?

Darius Rucker.

i think he's on the radio right now....

weird.

oh, sorry, i'm tellin' a story, huh?

the MD who interviewed me said he was going to ask

his bosses

if they could be flexible with my schedule

because i have to be at class and clinical

this morning i dropped off a handwritten thank you letter

on linen paper

in a shmancity envelop

the receptionist was around the corner

i dropped it on her desk and she rounded the corner

"oh, hey! just a thank you letter

for the doctor.

enjoy your day."

she looked impressed.

...it's like i can hear my train in the distance...

sigh...

lil' bits

2008-09-23T22:58:00.002-05:00

lord, i love my sister. [the older one, not the twin.
i love her, too, but she doesn't put up with me on the phone
like the older one does.
not yet.]
i love how she is so much like me that sometimes she wants to escort me through my "Stuff" because she's pretty damn familiar with it. we've got a lot of the same "stuff." it's gotta be the most amusing phone conversation to witness.

i'm in tears, working through a scenario when she cuts me off to redirect me, wanting me to get to the "root" right away.
"will you just shut up, already? i have to work through the fucking story to understand the point, okay? i'm new at this, dammit. just shut up and let me process! Jeeze!"

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! oh, how i can laugh at it.

now.

sigh me.

sweet dreams, kids.

a little more of me

2008-09-21T23:31:00.002-05:00

hey ya'll and fire,

today i had brunch with bk's little sister, who was in town on business and stayed for pleasure. did you know that we have the same initials? all three of 'em! neat, huh?

i told her how school was going and how i really have come to a humble appreciation that i am completely starting over, in a way i have only imagined but never experienced before. i used the analogy from the C.S. Lewis lenton devotional [a clean heart create in me] i've had for years, since college, that i've been reading again [when i'm in the bathroom] because it seems fitting.

he talks about turning around:

"we all want progress. but progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. and if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. if you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man. we have all seen this when doing arithmetic. when i have started a sum the wrong way, the sooner i admit this and go back to start over again, the faster i shall get on. there is nothing progressive about being pigheaded and refusing to admit a mistake. and i think if you look at the present state of the world, it is pretty plain that humanity has been making some big mistakes. we are on the wrong road. and if that is so, we must go back. going back is the quickest way on."

and she said that she couldn't imagine starting over like that. because it runs in her family to just keep making turns until you right the damn thing, as i had said was my typical M.O.

i told her it was like putting down a nap sack after having hiked all over the place. i just finally figured out that i could, and should, put down all the stuff i was carrying. i've talked to a lot of people about this. so i'll meld all my stories into one from here.

it's relieving. to not have to carry all the hardship.

if i carry all the anger and bitterness from the last school then i am only angry and bitter and that taints my experiences with people here and now.

if i carry all the sadness and hardship of losing my best friend and all the work it took to make it work then i am just tired and worn and sad. my hands are not free to catch, hold and carry the things before me and yet to come.

i have to let go.

it is one thing to say "i have been here before. i might have a trick for getting over this mountain with less fatigue, less trauma, less loss."

it is another thing to carry that mountain with me as i climb it.

and so it is i begin again with a new way to look at starting over.

you can't just scrape your plate clean and walk to the back of the line.

you must give your plate over.

hand in your fork.

wipe the crumbs off your shirt and then return to the line.

trust that they will have a plate for you.

what if you really need a bowl?

then what good will it have done you to hold on to that plate?

and that plate needs cleaning.

real cleaning.

clean of the memory you associate with it.

you need a new plate.

something to start over with.

new sheet of paper.

new pen.

old book.

start over.

"how do you *know* this already?"

"just do."

"you've done this before."

"yeah. yeah i have."

and that is usually all i have to say about it, anymore.

a shout out to my good classmate, here,

who tells me to keep my mouth shut.

we spoke on the phone tonight, our first exam being tomorrow.

if it weren't for her, i might not have realized i was going

the wrong way.

it is easy, when one has been travelling for so long

by one's self

not to realize when you're not doing

the right thing.

she helps keep me in line.

this week i will lug my five pound nursing book to class

anyway

and take notes while she lectures

from the book

which seems a little silly to me

but if that's what it takes

to keep my sorry ass out of trouble

then so be it.

it was so good to see bk's sis today.

when she talked i could her parts of bk in her voice

i could see bk in her facial expressions

i learned so much more about their family

we plotted and schemed about the holidays

i told her i'd like to come see her in st louis

she said she'd love to have me

oh, what bliss blossoms when we allow love to remain.

good night, ya'll.

night, fire.

short note

2008-09-19T00:21:00.003-05:00

not feeling well. under the weather.
most folks i know feel a bit like poo, too.

got a job,
nothing too exciting.

i'll tell you more about it later.

exam on monday.
feeling okay about it, so far.

but i have clinical at the ass crack of dawn
and i need to sleep.

didn't even cook anything today.

just lots of tea.

sorry, thinking

2008-09-19T00:21:00.002-05:00

i made veggie chili today.

soaked two full bags of dried beans last night.
one navy, one pinto.
that's a lot of frickin' beans.

so i dropped them in the crock pot before noon, added a butt load of garlic, a cinnamon stick, some cumin, some chili powder, a pinch of cayenne, a palm of pepper, a butt load of canned tomatoes (also takes care of the salt factor), a big ol' onion, and a couple green zucchinis.

it was a hit.

little cheese, some jiffy corn bread muffins and my little study night/productivity factory was full of happy campers.

i like it when people like my cooking. how could you not?

so, i'm sorry i didn't post last night.
i was stuck.

when i was a child i was in a class for kids who couldn't sit still.

ELO (extended learning opportunities)

TAG (talented and gifted)

we did puzzles, tan grams, spatial relations

research projects, higher level math and reading

it worked for me.

the first nursing program i was in, the one akin to nursing on speed?

just my style.

just my speed.

but still, i'm a bit of an ass in large classes.

80 kids in a lecture hall is distracting.

i want to chat.

i want to interact.

i want you to ask me questions.

make it personal.

engage me.

and if you're not going to engage me and you want me to keep it shut

i'm going to bring something else to quietly hold my attention.

oops.

so there were moments there, on top of all the other stuff that was going on.

but now, i'm in a class of twenty.

the room itself is maybe twice the size of my bedroom.

the teacher means well, but she's still getting used to her game.

i'm growing impatient.

bored.

restless.

i'm talking for the teacher.

i see a problem.

so tonight i asked my mom how i got into those classes when i was a kid.

did she ask about them?

was i screened?

did my teachers see my budding genius?

...i had behavioral issues in class...

[thanks for snorting there, fire]

and she had to ask about the alternatives.

go, mom.

...i'm recognizing my behavioral patterns now...

i have time.

i'm not simply tired from work.

i'm not overwhelmed with the passing of a friend

or the schedule of her care.

i don't even have a dog or a loved one to get home to.

truth be told, it was easier then.

when i had so much going on.

it consumed me.

filled the spaces.

left me just enough time to focus.

now?

i'm just bored.

and fidgety.

and restless.

and i'd rather chat.

or go over stuff on my own.

or with a classmate.

or teach the damn stuff myself

because at least then we'd be goingoveritinatimelyfashion.

sigh.

so you see how this might cause pause for reflection.

um, mom? i think i need some

coping skills.

like, quick.

i can't afford to fuck this up, again.

no, no, no.

you did everything right.

you set me up for success.

you got me into classes.

you gave me tools.

you did the right thing.

i just wasn't paying attention.

when i realized i was different from other kids,

i missed the part about getting the attention i needed.

i didn't put special and special together.

my bad.

not yours.

...and so it goes, dear internets.

and so it goes.

how was yer day?

betty cock-it, back in motion

2008-09-16T23:16:00.002-05:00

thanks, maria, for the question.

first, you take a box of annie's no-pudge fudge brownies.

grab a bit of flavored yogurt. i happened to have trader joes organic vanilla and banana on hand.

add some fruit. fresh or frozen. the housemate happened to have some raspberries on hand.

mix.

bake for 34 minutes-ish on 350 degrees.

remove and let cool.

while you wait, mix up some delightful butter frosting, ~or~ if your housemate has no powdered sugar on hand, grab a pint of betty crocker's. our options were vanilla or fudge. we went with vanilla. scoop half out into a small bowl, large mug or glass measuring Pyrex cup. add several tablespoons of something flavorful. i used whatever you put in tiramisu, grand marnier. i have also had great success with such excellent combinations as fudge and Kahlua, fudge and chamborb, pecan maple and rum. go crazy. try everything.

p.s. i drink it, i don't read it too closely, okay?

enjoy.

30 days in a row?

2008-09-15T21:35:00.003-05:00

dear anonymous,

i will not quit. i said 30 days and i mean it.
i do not want you to think i do not want to post.
friday was sketchy.
i had a rather awesome post ready to go, and then i realized,
it might be *too much information* for the internets.

i know.

so you see what you got, instead.

would it be fair to hop on and just say "post?"

like "tag." but no "you're it."

...sounds lame.

i'd like to post photos, but i told you, the camera munched on some sand and now is a little kaput. sad, sad, sad.

and all because a silly man, i, er- an anonymous reader challenged me.
did you ever think she didn't carry out because you weren't there when she was ready?
did you ever consider you might have fallen asleep?
did you ever consider OJ simpson's robbery trial might have been starting?
[sorry, the news is on... so easily distracted tonight]

...at any rate. a beautiful woman drove me home from class tonight, so i was feeling a bit peppy. the housemate was supposed to be out galavanting, and i was fixing to join her in the public merry making, feeling froggy and all, alas, she came home right after me. so we dubbed me "betty cock-it" and i whipped up some no-pudge-fudge brownies with raspberries and vanilla frosting. ain't exactly shaking your groove thang or busting out the karaoke, but watchagonnado?

did you see tina fay on SNL? what a riot!! holy pants, oh, how i love it!! tried to link youtube earlier, but they pulled it. infringement.

how bout you give me a topic? let's try that. it works for slick.

what number are we on, anyway?

2008-09-12T22:17:00.002-05:00

i don't know what to say.

i had a post all written out, and then i deleted it.

just one of those nights.

it's been raining most all day again.
i didn't leave the house all day.
really.

changed clothes a couple times.
cleaned some.
ate some.
laughed some.
read some.
applied to some jobs.
read some more.

never left the house.

it's nice here.

[i'd post pictures, kim, but my camera ate sand on vaca and the warranty is up, i think. that's what they told me at the camera store. i have to see if i can find it. somewhere. in a box. maybe.]

sigh.

off to bed.

clinical in the morning.

joy, joy, joy.

'gnight, ya'll.

i think i let it slip by without me...

2008-09-12T00:13:00.002-05:00

i didn't post on 9/11. partially because i was laying on my house mate's bed drinking guiness as she found amusing things for me to laugh at, like her holloween costumes and trailers for Brothers and Sisters on the internets.

...

it's been 7 years and i still have no peace.
7 years and i still have no less than three sources of income at any one time to keep it all together.
7 years and i still look over my shoulder.
7 years and i still have to remind myself that the world is not what it used to be.
7 years and i still have to remind myself that the people who brought me through high school had no idea that this would be my reality.
7 years and i still have to remind myself that i didn't do anything wrong, to be treading water for so long and still feel like i'm getting nowhere.

7 years and i'm still scouring the want ads trying not to think about the look on the dad's face when he talks about another bank merger/lay off and that he took an interview to manage a shoe shop. he's got two kids and a mortgage. i have too much debt for someone my age and only one degree to show for it.

and somehow we manage to get up and do what needs to be done for the kids in the morning.

we will never forget.

good night all. and good luck.

2008-09-10T13:13:00.002-05:00

my family has been keeping up to date on the buzz. from my sis. go, gloria!

Palin: wrong woman, wrong message
Sarah Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Hillary Clinton
By Gloria Steinem

Here's the good news: Women have become so politically powerful that even the anti-feminist right wing -- the folks with a headlock on the Republican Party -- are trying to appease the gender gap with a first-ever female vice president. We owe this to women -- and to many men too -- who have picketed, gone on hunger strikes or confronted violence at the polls so women can vote. We owe it to Shirley Chisholm, who first took the "white-male-only" sign off the White House, and to Hillary Rodham Clinton, who hung in there through ridicule and misogyny to win 18 million votes.
But here is even better news: It won't work.
This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere. It's not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It's about baking a new pie.
Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmeticize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate who is owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton's candidacy stood for -- and that Barack Obama's still does. To vote in protest for McCain/Palin would be like saying, "Somebody stole my shoes, so I'll amputate my legs."
This is not to beat up on Palin. I defend her right to be wrong, even on issues that matter most to me. I regret that people say she can't do the job because she has children in need of care, especially if they wouldn't say the same about a father. I get no pleasure from imagining her in the spotlight on national and foreign policy issues about which she has zero background, with one month to learn to compete with Sen. Joe Biden's 37 years' experience.
Palin has been honest about what she doesn't know. When asked last month about the vice presidency, she said, "I still can't answer that question until someone answers for me: What is it exactly that the VP does every day?" When asked about Iraq, she said, "I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq."
She was elected governor largely because the incumbent was unpopular, and she's won over Alaskans mostly by using unprecedented oil wealth to give a $1,200 rebate to every resident. Now she is being praised by McCain's campaign as a tax cutter, despite the fact that Alaska has no state income or sales tax. Perhaps McCain has opposed affirmative action for so long that he doesn't know it's about inviting more people to meet standards, not lowering them. Or perhaps McCain is following the Bush administration habit, as in the Justice Department, of putting a job candidate's views on "God, guns and gays" ahead of competence. The difference is that McCain is filling a job one 72-year-old heartbeat away from the presidency.
So let's be clear: The culprit is John McCain. He may have chosen Palin out of change-envy, or a belief that women can't tell the difference between form and content, but the main motive was to please right-wing ideologues; the same ones who nixed anyone who is now or ever has been a supporter of reproductive freedom.
If that were not the case, McCain could have chosen a woman who knows what a vice president does and who has thought about Iraq; someone like Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison or Sen. Olympia Snowe of Maine. McCain could have taken a baby step away from right-wing patriarchs who determine his actions, right down to opposing the Violence Against Women Act. Palin's value to those patriarchs is clear: She opposes just about every issue that women support by a majority or plurality. She believes that creationism should be taught in public schools but disbelieves global warming; she opposes gun control but supports government control of women's wombs; she opposes stem cell research but approves "abstinence-only" programs, which increase unwanted births, sexually transmitted diseases and abortions; she tried to use taxpayers' millions for a state program to shoot wolves from the air but didn't spend enough money to fix a state school system with the lowest high-school graduation rate in the nation; she runs with a candidate who opposes the Fair Pay Act but supports $500 million in subsidies for a natural gas pipeline across Alaska; she supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, though even McCain has opted for the lesser evil of offshore drilling. She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger.
I don't doubt her sincerity. As a lifetime member of the National Rifle Assn., she doesn't just support killing animals from helicopters, she does it herself. She doesn't just talk about increasing the use of fossil fuels but puts a coal-burning power plant in her own small town. She doesn't just echo McCain's pledge to criminalize abortion by overturning Roe vs. Wade, she says that if one of her daughters were impregnated by rape or incest, she should bear the child. She not only opposes reproductive freedom as a human right but implies that it dictates abortion, without saying that it also protects the right to have a child.
So far, the major new McCain supporter that Palin has attracted is James Dobson of Focus on the Family. Of course, for Dobson, "women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership," so he may be voting for Palin's husband.
Being a hope-a-holic, however, I can see two long-term bipartisan gains from this contest. Republicans may learn they can't appeal to right-wing patriarchs and most women at the same time. A loss in November could cause the centrist majority of Republicans to take back their party, which was the first to support the Equal Rights Amendment and should be the last to want to invite government into the wombs of women. And American women, who suffer more because of having two full-time jobs than from any other single injustice, finally have support on a national stage from male leaders who know that women can't be equal outside the home until men are equal in it.
Barack Obama and Joe Biden are campaigning on their belief that men should be, can be and want to be at home for their children.
This could be huge.
Gloria Steinem is an author, feminist organizer and co-founder of the Women's Media Center. She supported Hillary Clinton and is now supporting Barack Obama.

scene from inside my head

2008-09-09T23:30:00.002-05:00

she sits on a couch, focused on something. a book, her laptop, a picture, clipping coupons. something.

he stands near her. not over her. but close by.

h: you're upset.

s: i reserve that right.

h: you're upset at me.

s: [pause, looks up blankly] it's quite possible i'm upset at me.

h: [pause, wrinkled brow] why would you be be upset with you?

s: [goes back to what she was doing] that isn't exactly your jurisdiction, now, is it?

h: what are yo-

s: [looking up] good night.

h: [assumes look of defeat. walks away.]

s: [returns to whatever she was doing.]

there isn't much to say about today.

whereas yesterday i felt relief and the ability to rest, today i felt heavy, and screwed, and back at the drawing board, again. i got a planner. i applied for a couple of jobs on line. i took a walk. i took a nap. i went to teach some kids i haven't seen in a couple of years. that felt good.

i came home. i saw my new house mate [we get along quite well]. i played my guitar.

i feel like a round peg looking at a bunch of square holes.

what else can you do?

what else is there to be done?

maybe tomorrow i'll have the energy to come see you at your place. you might wanna take the undies down from the shower curtain. i look for that kind of thing.

it's raining here in baltimore...

2008-09-08T12:15:00.002-05:00

a chilly monday morning. at first i could only hear the wet of the tires on the pavement outside my window, then i opened the blinds. a perfect crisp fall rainy day. i think i'll stay inside a bit longer.

applying for hospital CNA jobs online then i'll call them all this afternoon and tomorrow. tomorrow i'll go pick up my stuff from the office. joy, joy, joy. i wrote a pleasant letter wishing them all peace. i apologized for flipping when they told me it was over. i guess i'm not so easy to break up with, afterall.

i wanted to tell you about taking BK's ashes to the lake. from an email to a friend who couldn't be there:

Saturday (aug 23rd) was perfect. The perfect beach day. The perfect conditions for the task at hand. And your words were the perfect thing to recite.

We rented a fishing boat from a kind gentleman named Bill who took us out near New Buffalo [i think] but sped us up to the Cottage Beach in no time. He took great care and was clearly moved by the set of us. He had never partaken in such a journey and his love and kindness will long be remembered.

We made it out to the beach and BK's mom, BK's sis, BK's husband and I stood on the front of the boat to wave to BK's grandma, who decided to stay at the cottage, too emotional to make the journey, I was told. No telling if she saw us or someone else, but the thought always counts.

We then went back to the back of the boat to be with BK's dad, as his walking cast kept him from walking the slim edge to the front of the boat with us. Dad used his engineer skills and a flat head screwdriver [i kid you not] to pry the beautiful gold brushed box open. BK's remains were double bagged and tied with a medallion, which I believe her husband took.

I prepared the bag while Mom read a touching piece. We then decided how to go about the task and Dad, Mom, Husband and I stood at the tail of the boat, Momma, Poppa and I scooping ashes out of the bag and into the water as Husband held them. I read your poem then. It was most fitting as her ashes floated gently down in the waters. Husband then poured the rest into the water, followed by one of the bags, oops! Sis then dropped in handfuls of oak leaves she had picked from the cottage that morning and we followed with dried rose petals Grandma had kept from BK's service. The petals and leaves remained on the water's surface, trailing behind the boat.

As we pulled away, ready to motor back to harbor, a large orange butterfly came out of nowhere to dip in front of us. A healing sign from BK herself that all was well.

Apparently, Grandpa [who passed in July] makes his appearances as a large black butterfly. He swept through a large open field at his service between his remains and the family.

Grandma told us, very tearfully, that she was followed up the path from the beach by a large black butterfly when she returned to the cottage.

Sunday I was resting on the deck, worshipping the sun, when a pair of small, white butterflies came to perch on my herbs. "Huh. Twins. Really?" i asked them. They remained for some time, still as can be, as if to tell me they knew i knew ... may the communication never end. [no, i am not pregnant. i just really want twins.]

We returned to the cottage at a slow rate, Mom, Sis, Husband and I basking in the sun on the front of the boat while Dad kept the Captain and his daughter company. We all shared our stories. In the end, the Captain refused payment, blessed to have been a part of the journey. Moved by the witness of BK's life in each of us. Such a gentle, kind man.

We headed out to pick up Grandma and gloss through some photos before heading to the Roadside Cafe for a very tastey dinner. We hugged and kissed in the parking lot, Grandma growing very tearful when it came to me. I looked her straight in the eye and said "I'll see you. Christmas. Done deal." Mom gave me the nod of approval. I'll likely grab the train this fall when the Jewish Day School where I work is closed for holidays to hang out with Mom and Dad. Why not? It's nice to have a home so close.

Sis and I exchanged numbers. She and her Fiance are coming up to spend the weekend at the cottage. She just had her 27th birthday on the 18th. It was a rough day. I want to make sure I do something thoughtful for her next couple birthdays. It's going to be rough to surpass BK's age...

well. wasn't expecting that, were ya?

i'm grateful to have had the words to read as we carried out BK's final wishes.

There was a peace and a true sense of both closure and letting go. Like now that my hands are empty, I can really be truly ready to let be filled with the next blessing life has to offer me.

so neat.

i'm sorry you couldn't be there.

the poem i read:

Weep you no more, sad fountains,

what needs you flow so fast?

Look how the snowy mountains,

heaven’s sun doth gently waste.

But my sun’s heavenly eyes,

view not your weeping.

That now lies sleeping,

softly, softly, now softly lies sleeping.

Sleep is a reconciling.

A rest that peace begets.

Doth not the sun rise smiling,

when ever at evening he sets?

Rest you then, rest sad eyes.

Melt not in weeping.

While she lies sleeping, softly,

softly, now softly lies sleeping.

-John Dowland

momma said, there'd be days like this

2008-09-08T00:45:00.002-05:00

i got canned.

on a sunday, no less.

that's what you get for working for a Jewish organization.

it was coming. i didn't want to see it. i wanted to believe that they wanted it to work out, as well. alas, they were hiring someone right under me. ~~ouch~~ i'm such a trusting soul, sometimes.

to be honest, i just didn't want to find another sinking ice berg when the one i was standing on was working just fine, thank you. ~or~ [the other analogy i really have come to like] it was like trying to wear the wrong shoe, or the wrong sized shoe, definitely something too small, not too large, not room for growth, not room for hope, no room to wiggle the toes. small. awkward. painful, at times. confining. and i thought my painfully awkwardly large ass comfortable self would be okay sitting like that for as long as it took for them to need me to be all i could be.

~blargh~

in a phone call, no less.

but i have at least five leads for jobs tomorrow. so there is that to look forward to.

and the fact that i just don't have the dread of going into that situation in the morning.

i am sad that they couldn't be more honest earlier. that they couldn't say "we know you're stressed about your school starting, then having to move, then our school starting, but... well... it's just that, we want to have someone who fits sit there."

i can respect that.

but this. this was cowardly. and cruel. and very retarded.

noone needs to be treated this way. really.

what are they going to say to the people who liked me?

sigh.

okay, it is late and i am once again tired. so i am going to roll over and not likely will i need this strong cup of chamomile i just started brewing at my side. not likely this evening.

...heh, shalom.

30 days has september... so where the hell have i been!

2008-09-06T23:03:00.002-05:00

take it easy on me.

i'm back.

and this time i'm not even pirating the internets!

i've parted ways with the old house mate. the building we were renting from sold to a new owner who was keen on getting us out, so he paid to have us moved. she was ready to be on her own and i was fine as pie with that idea. i've got a new house mate. she's a ball of energy. i hope she doesn't take it personally that i'm not going to join her for her social outings. just don't want to establish that as normative, i guess.

i lost most of the garden and the set up here is such that only those that can really fly on auto pilot remain. nothing that needs me to come talk to it on any sort of regular basis. no tomatoes. [although, boy oh boy, did they go gang busters until this whole moving thing hit the roof!]

i had a job for a bit, but it looks like that's cashing out, so it's off to reinvent the wheel in that arena, as well. can't live with 'em....

i just want things to well long enough for me to feel good about them.

class is going splendidly. holy poo, do i feel so much better about this RN program. that one-year BSN program had us running around like headless chickens. really. so much stuff we didn't need to know, yet. so much stuff they could have focused on.... tsk tsk tsk. we didn't learn how to be a nurse in that program, we learned all about nursing, but not how to actually be one. .... does that make any sense at all?

at any rate, i was up before 5 am this morning for clinical, which went great, as i have mentioned. so now i am pooped to the max.

so many stories, which you will all hear. i've promised some anonymous wahoo 30 days in a row. .... joy.

much love,
yors

30 days.... in three weeks

2008-07-14T23:34:00.003-05:00

before i begin: i just got word that BK's grandfather, RF, passed this afternoon, surrounded by his loving wife and 4 of his 5 daughters. please pray for BK's momma [whom i now call momma S] as she mourns the loss of both her eldest daughter and, now, her father.

RF was an amazing man, and he led an amazing family; raising 5 incredible women to believe in themselves and to accomplish anything they set their sweet minds to. those women, in turn, instilled those values into their own progeny. i have been blessed to be a part of such an amazing family unit.

BK's husband contintues to do well. he and i have become friends. who'da thunk it?

now... where was i?

30 days. yes. well, i leave in 2 weeks for vaca with the famdamily. i'm not even leaving my phone on. sorry, kids. it'll have to wait until i get back. but i'll give it a swing. it's not like i've got 30 days of anyone, er, thing else to do.

p.s. my cousin just moved into town. a fresh faced gradiate of notre dame [go irish]. expect great things.

all my love,
yors

...hello? remember me?

2008-07-03T22:23:00.003-05:00

...hiya!

been a while?

yeah. sorry bout that.

but look what i saw today! cracked me up. "and all they got was you?"

where the hell have i been? what kind of question is that? what you should be asking yourselves is where the hell is matt? and why isn't lor out there dancing her ass off with him? hmmmm?

so, yes.

that was entertaining, now wasn't it.

let's see. dodge the question lately?

i've been busy.

-planting tomatoes, spinach, lettuce, beans, red bell peppers, habenieros, basil, sage, rosemary, oregano, cilantro, parsley and acorn squash [i think that's all the edible stuff...] on my deck. yes. my deck.
-getting back into nursing school. w00t!
-getting a day job that supports me so that i don't have to work three jobs anymore. w00t w00t!
-dating. [gasp!] nothing serious. yet. stay tuned.
-cooking up the indian dishes like a mad woman. i can even make south indian fry breads. and cheese.
...um
-reading.
-cleaning.
-seeing people i haven't seen in a long time.

oh, yeah.
-turning 30.

discuss.

PSA

2008-04-22T22:41:00.003-05:00

just a few items:

still chugging and plugging.
at the gym, kicking my ass, a few times a week.
painting. painting. painting.
feeling good about most things.
waiting until mid May to know about finishing nursing school with the city this fall.
trying to enjoy the sun that is finally here.
started at least five dozen tomatoes.
helping BK's aunt get her [the aunt's] house ready for sale.

the lap top needs afixin' - i got the idjit's coverage. they'll fix it or replace it and i don't even have to pay for shipping. but then i won't be posting [as if i've been posting on *any* kind of regular basis.... puh-lease.] until it comes back. but i want to show you the paintings...

guess you'll have to hang on til things get back in order.

until then,
be nice to yourselves. and each other.

yors

one is the loneliest number...

2008-04-04T00:05:00.003-05:00

i've got a million things to say. had so much time for processing and thinking [like, i think i talk too fast for my dad, sometimes...] and watching the bollywood [i heart aamir khan so hard...]. the eldest niece came, saw, kicked ass, and returned home. i'm stretched, restless, introspective and in need of a paycheck. my head is spinning with things i should be doing [with my life] right now, which, i pray, is a sure sign that it's time to create some change. step up. take care of me, first.

wish me luck.

in the meantime...

stole this from kimmyk. happy birthday, gurl.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think.

Remember: one word answers.

1.Where is your mobile phone? starboard
2.Your significant other? mistaken
3.Your hair? covered
4.Your mother? loving
5.Your father? buddy
6.Your favourite thing? touch
7.Your dream last night? employed
8.Your favorite drink? water
9.Your dream/goal? debtless
10.The room you're in? comforting
11.Your ex? exiled
12.Your fear? illness
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? older
14.Where were you last night? bollywood
15.What you're not? rested
16.Muffins? breakfast
17.One of your wish list items? children
18.Where you grew up? everywhere
19.The last thing you did? knit
20.What are you wearing? sweats
21.Your TV? ambient
22.Your pets? surrogate
23.Your computer? warm
24.Your life? cyclical
25.Your mood? introspective
26.Missing someone? constantly
27.Your car? nonexistent
28.Something you're not wearing? socks
29.Favorite Store? art
30.Your summer? occupado
31.Like someone? always
32.Your favorite color? graphite
33.When is the last time you laughed? tuesday
34.Last time you cried? tuesday
35.Who will/would re-post this? slater

p.s. dear alien fuck head

2008-03-17T16:49:00.003-05:00

[edited note added later... some person who has fun times assuming an alien persona on the blog-o-phere left a crude comment (in my opinion) upon the announcement of bk's passing. i deleted the message. said fool decided to leave another comment. probably harmless and well intentioned, but i have had enough. the following is when you know i have had enough. i'm fairly straight forward. i'll tell ya.]

while i'm all sorts of amused at your little internet escapades, your callus remarks about the death of my best friend are freakishly horrifying and i think it's best if you just take your ball and go the fuck home.

if you want to stop by and read, lovely.

but leave another ruthless comment and i will hunt you down and castrate you.

remember that the next time you want to be your prickish self before someone who is in serious mourning.

[sorry ya'll had to witness this. i'll be approving comments for a while... fucker.]

...but i meme, i can handle...

2008-03-17T00:17:00.003-05:00

come on!! kimmyk made me do it! and it only took me, like three weeks to see it...

Rules: [because there are always rules]
You must post the rules before you give your answers.
You must list one fact about yourself for each letter of your middle name.
Each fact must begin with that letter.
If you don't have a middle name, just use your maiden name.
After you've been tagged, you need to update your blog with your middle name and answers.
At the end of your post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name.

e- empathetic. frighteningly so, at times.
m- mothering. i have been mistaken for a mom in public because i actually [gasp] climb into the sand box with the kiddie poos! or [heaven forbid!] kiss their sweaty little foreheads when i pick them up at school! or [please God no!!] refuse to take lip from anyone under four feet tall. that's right. i'm your nanny. love it.
i- intoxicatingly good story teller.
l- lickable [i have more letters, kim, i can get sassy the first time.]
y- you really want to see me smile.

there.

deep breath.

i had a really nice story in there about my niece, but on all the pinche cut and pasting i managed to close this silly little screen and -whoops!- there it went. you'll just have to ask me about it another time.

now.... to pick on five helpless, unsuspecting people...

e- eat your cupcake does she know i read her regularly? maybe i should post on her site next...
m- mom i prefer your given middle name, it's got more letters.
i- i know not what good ol ac slater, she'll do it faster than i did.
l- lick it, slick damn, i am having to get all sorts of creative to get you folks involved...
y- you. you're reading this. tell me in a comment to come on over and check your shit out. do it. now. go. come on. quit being a puss and just go do it.

not yet, world, just not yet

2008-03-16T23:57:00.002-05:00

so i'm getting requests for stuff.

and time.

and me.

and i'm just not ready, yet.

...

i'm supposed to have "coffee" with a friend of a friend.
conveniently, she had pneumonia and i had been watching someone else's kids with the influenza all week.
raincheck.

but now i've got to reschedule, right?
and meet her, right?
and maybe find out she's wonderful and hot and we hit it off immediately... right?

but i just can't get around those five minutes where i'm supposed to explain what's happened in the last two years of my life.

and i just can't get around looking into the eyes of someone who has no idea what i have just lost, or why i gave so much or that i'd give it all over again, and again, and again.

i'm just not ready to do that, yet.

...

i'm just here

2008-02-26T00:07:00.002-06:00

it's been rough.

i just want it all to be a bad dream. i just want her to call. i just want things to go back to the way they were before she had cancer. i just want to be at the point where i moved south to be near school. i just want it all back.

[breaks down]

i've been packing, stacking, re-organizing, pitching, cleaning, taking time for me.

i just want to detach myself from everything. and most everyone, at times.

i can't get happy about much.

some days i just want to sleep and other days i want to be out noticing the world, like tonight, walking my bike home in what is hopefully the last wet, heavy snow of the winter with my hood off and my head up in wild wonder. i just want to notice, and watch and move through things.

and so many things make sense now, like nursing school...
my best friend was diagnosed with cancer 11 days after moving me into my new apartment so i could be closer to school, a move to help me be less tardy, something i'm not good at on my own.
my grandfather was in and out of the ICU in another state. my family spent lots of time and energy being present for him and for that. there wasn't much left over to tend to the needs of someone who couldn't make better decisions to care for herself.
i put two of my best friends on planes out of the country. the two with whom i spent the most time communicating each week. one of whom i was planning to go live near after graduation, the other with whom i'd rack up 300-600 minutes a month between the hours of 11pm and 3am.
i was living on my own. financially responsible for myself. cleaning my apartment. washing my laundry. feeding myself. being nice to myself. getting myself to do my homework. and did i mention i was working part time in the bloody ER?
...who was i kidding?

and now all i want is my best friend back so we can drink too much red wine and listen to this song i can stop playing on my itunes. or this one, which is just a little bit hopeful. and maybe the one i'm really playing to her afterall. ...

Tuesday, February 5th

2008-02-07T10:00:00.000-06:00

it was noon. i was taking a lazy day in bed, enjoying the comfort i had created for myself, my refuge from all that i do when i leave my little nest.

BK's husband called.

BK had passed, only half hour or so before.

she was at peace.

she was comfortable.

she was surrounded by her family and her husband.

...

i was supposed to go over in about an hour, anyway. her mom and i were going to sort through some art things. i was going to go sit with her mom, and be comforted. and be comfort. and be.

...

what a weight it was that was lifted from me.

yes, the sorrow still lies in my heart. yes, the sadness still sits in every photo. but i am no longer weighted down with the fear that something else will befall my dearest friend.

she, the warrior.
she, the brave.
she, the one who still cried for me when i showed up at her doorstep broken and weary and moving forward, still.
she, the one who would not let me see things from only one point of view.

...

i arrived a couple of hours later. what a blessing to be invited to spend time with my BK before the kindly gentlemen came to lay her to her final rest.

i stayed with her until the van pulled away.

"run, baby, run." i told her.

i could feel her leaving with her body.

she had to come to terms with what had happened to her body.

...

my mother blogs:

So, I was walking the dog

The weather was actually balmy outside. There were pockets of fog that you walked through and the fog made the night not so dark, almost grey like.

I was thinking about how a year ago it was 10 below zero in Cleveland and we were staying in a hotel having just buried my Dad.

I was thinking how BK died today and is in heaven now, at peace with no more pain or struggle.

I was also thinking how much my daughter will miss her and I was glad that it was not 10 below zero tonight.

My next thought was how Dad would walk Charlie every night.Then, something very strange happened.

Jackson stopped and started acting like someone was there petting him, tail wagging, head up, happy to see someone. I did not see anyone in the area or on the street. It was calm and waves of fog were about me. I felt Dad’s presence and then I heard these words in my mind:

“BK is with us now. She is fun to be with. She loves music and art. She is perfect. Thanks for sending your very best to us. We will be gone for a while now travelling. We will be OK. We have museums to see, great Symphonies to hear and trails to hike. We may even teach her to like Jazz."

I heard Dad chuckle and the conversation was over.

That quick Jackson went back to walking like no one was near. The weather started to chill, the fog lifted, and the wind started to blow. We were home and the peace inside from those moments will be palpable for a while I am sure…

I think life will be grand now. I think everything is going to be OK...

...

yes it will, momma, yes it will.
i know it to be true.

last night i finally had it in me to wash the prayer shawl BK gave me in the sink with a little woolite. a wave of sadness and pain wafted above the water as it grew thick with memory.

i gently needed the sorrow out of the weave. allowed it all to come running out as BK and i allowed it all to come ruinning out before each other. i knew this shawl would come to be that place for me. to carry the things i could not carry anymore for myself. by myself.

i drained the cloudy water and held the wet blanket to the side, watching it all drain away, then refilled the sink with a little more woolite for good measure.

i watched the swirls of tiny suds gather and flow with my hands and i could envision the laughter of my children in this balnket. knew that BK would bless the lives and laughter of my family as it rolled under this blanket, dragging it behind dirty feet with tattered bears and torn books in tow. "mommy, read this one."

i left the fibres to soak while i grabbed a smudge stick.

i knew BK wasn't with me, but i wanted to remind her that it was okay to let go of these things. the sorrow, the pain, the suffering, the adjusting, the loss, the cancer. i wanted to let her know that this was a safe place and that i would be ready for her, one day. and so i began in the living room, over a shelf of artwork she had given me over the years. some trinkets i would never forget her by. as the smoke rose i smiled and heard the laughter and sighs inside of me.

fly, little one, go.

off to the kitchen to bless the yarn gathered just so.

may there be peace in this place.

and finally to the bedroom, where a piece BK and i started together sat, embarasingly, under paper and unimportant books.

may we know joy. may we know peace.

and so mom's words make sense.

she isn't here.

she's making peace with herself. with her life. with her death. with her journey.

and it sounds like she's in the best company. if anyone could get BK to love jazz, g'pa and g'ma N are it. i trust Jack and Betty are there, as well. from one irishman to another.

...

the baby has decided he is done growing in his sleep for the moment.
off to attend to details before i head home to be with the momma for the weekend.

thanks for loving me through it all.

and BK, i'll see you soon.
always,
yors

it's all a blur...

2008-01-25T00:50:00.001-06:00

so much i still should say, should tell you.
about the trip. about the trinkets. about how i lost a toenail.

...

and it's all blurry here.

i think it was about ten days until i felt like i was waking up in America. and even now, as i prepare to close my eyes for a few hours before starting another marathon of not being here [in my house] i know that i will forget where i am when i roll over between dream fragments.

you'll be there [ah...which you, right?], and so will my sister and i won't know what day it is or when we have to be where...

so many decisions i'm not making. like i'm waiting for the fog to lift so that the declaration of my intentions is better guided by clear vision.

maybe tomorrow will feel like one day closer to knowing when to jump.

_______________________

tomorrow i will spend another full day with BK, who, her mom tells me is on "palliative sedation" ~~ or drugged to the gills to control the pain, which has become unbearable.

then i spend 36 of the next 48 hours at the hospital. joy of joys!

pray for me as i prepare to jump that ship and get a [barf] big girl job, where i may not get bent over a horse without lube. or maybe get bent under the horse... maybe i should watch less Dirty Jobs before bedtime...

2008-01-05T18:44:00.000-06:00

bk won.

she's still with us. mostly. but her tumor is dying insider of her. literally. dying.

she beat it.

she will not die of cancer.

cancer will die of my friend's life.

_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_

i saw the scans. it's both remarkable and rediculous.

she doesn't have a hip bone anymore. it's all tumor.

at least 2/3 of her pelvic cavity is tumor.

and the tumor is decaying inside of her.

her oncologist and i sat there absolutely drop jawed.

how did she manage to stand upright for so long?

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

another doctor came into the room where she was admitted wednesday for "a possible fistula/abscess/infection that originated from an old sacral wound." it exploded like the painted pots at yellowstone. clay and gushing. like nothing i had ever seen before. not MRSA. not bowel. not soft tissue.

something completely foreign. even to the doctors.

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

there's nothing they can do, really.

some IV antibiotics.

slap a colostomy bag on it to collect the putrid discharge.

keep her comfortable.

and she looks at me:

"i just want it to be over, lor."

"then cash in your chips and run like hell, baby. just let go."

...

a few hours later, made easier by a nip of the home meds stored in the drawer at her bedside, she looks over at me to tell me about the floating. it's dosconcerting. her brow is furrowed. she's unsure.

"you don't like it?"

"no."

"oh." ... "i guess i can understand how it might feel scary, at first. unstable. ... until you realize that letting go isn't falling uncontrollably."

[a few moments later.]

"i guess it's okay as long as we stay in this general area." [she gestures out the window in front of her towards the marina we can see from her room over lake michigan.]

"... yeah? alrighty then, babe. whatever you say. whatever you want."

i return my attention to my laptop screen. maybe she won't notice the tears.

_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_

i call her mom and she tells me the electric bed is at the house. the ambulace is there to take bk home.

her husband calls to tell me the hospice nurse is there to go over the IV antibioitc drip. she is comfortable. glad to be home. her mom managed to pick up the stomach flu. can i be there monday and tuesday? i can't. i have the baby.

they'll figure it out.

i go back to knit, purl, increase, decrease. a habbit to bide the time behind the desk on another floor on another night through another moment of this journey.

_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_

i'm glad i got away. i'm glad i left.

i'm grateful that for ten days i was in f'ing guatemala with one of the most important people in my life, who spared no expense to push me, even when i told him i couldn't handle any more effort.

maybe next time he will be able to tell me what he needs, too.

and now i know why it is you all shake your head at me without saying a word.

...

alrighty, kiddos. nesicito banolate.

con carina,
abrasos.

yorlor

letter to a friend over seas

2007-12-03T01:44:00.001-06:00

i dreamt, this morning, that i called you on the phone. i think i called you. you might have called me. but it was definitely you. you didn't say much. [shocking, i know.] mostly uh-huh's and yeah's. but it was the affirmation in your voice. like an old pair of jeans. like your favorite cup of tea. like my bed of feather down and worn cotton sheets.
i don't know why it was you on the phone in the dream, but i was moved to tell you about it, so i am.
we moved bk's piano yesterday to make room for the spare bed downstairs, so bk has the option of not climbing them. i say we, but i mean my friends Ah and Bd moved it. Bk's husband, d, and i were up in the bed with bk, at her request, going over reasons for moving the piano, for not leaving bk alone in the house [or the room] anymore, for bk allowing others to take over her medication regimen.
there we were, d and i, who normally don't get along all that well, stuck like peanut butter and honey, doing everything in our power to help bk feel loved, cared for, empowered. we make a good team, d and i, taking care of bk.
the piano is an upright and was not on wheels. bd and ah are strong like bulls and simply slid the thing on rugs and towels out one room, through another and into the third, over two tall thresholds.
there was talk of those who are primary caretaker's of bk be responsible for the moving of the piano and the bed and other furniture that goes along with making that space and situation comfortable, but i assured bk's mom that we had enough on our hearts and shoulders and that there were others who wanted something to do. others who can't handle the diaper changing, the loss of orientation, witnessing the pain on bk's face when there is nothing to take it away. and so they came. my friends. to support me while i supported this family.
i'm a lucky girl, my friend.
i think that's what i called to tell you about in this dream. about what it was like to have them there and see what it was like for me first hand. and the difference the smallest gesture, touch, hand squeeze meant. and how much it meant to bk to have people there who were able to tell happy stories and alleviate our sorrow, even if only for a moment.
they left to go about their days and bk and i had a good afternoon. we sat on the front porch and watched it snow, observing the activity of the street normally unnoticed in our daily lives. we sang "these are the people in your neighborhood." she gave me a piano lesson over "mary had a little lamb." i managed not to cry. we sang a frightening rendition of the beatle's song "hey jude," revelling in the climbing cries of "better, better, better - oh!"
it was still a good day.
but it's late and my throat is soar from the cold i seem to have acquired. i've taken something to clear my head and am off to that safe haven of feather down and worn cotton to rest my head and my heart before tomorrow gets here, where a six month old boy awaits my arrival to sing him songs and make him lay on his tummy.
hope all is well and that someday you'll return the call. or maybe just the thought.

"Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me, but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero." - Brian Andreas

still here

2007-11-20T02:23:00.001-06:00

and so is BK. she called the other day. we missed each other when i went out of town to see the fam [sorry, kim] and wasn't able to make my appointed day [thursday] to be with her. now that she's on hospice, her family and i rotate days.

to be honest, it can be easier for her when i'm there, because it's so hard for her mom. there's so little we have control over in this crazy situation, that mom tends to grasp whatever she can control and ride it three ways from sunday. i can't blame her. i'd likely do the same if it were my daughter. but it isn't. it's my best friend. so i just go with what i'm given for the day. sometimes it's easier.

she called to say hello and asked me if there was anything she could do for me [work situation got shaken up like a snow globe in the hands of a toddler] and i swear i cried. she just listens to me like noone else. and she cheers me on, even when i can't feel my [proverbial] feet, she keeps me moving.

sigh.

i'm going to miss the sound of her voice.

i framed a card she made me tonight and joined it to a couple of other pieces she's made me. i began a whole shelf, complete with mementos and three dimensional objects. just like she would do it.

she's bringing me home to myself.

this whole period is about returning home to myself.

i don't know why it is i keep running away from myself.

maybe this time, i'll stick around.

[keep a good thought at 3:30 pm central standard time on the 26th of this month. i've got an interview for a counseling position. long story, short moral: even three year olds can put things where they belong.]

rest in peace: JV ~ my cousin lost an amazing friend this weekend. JV has been battling leukemia for some time. he was surrounded by family and friends that bless the soul. may they all find a little peace this holiday season in each other's presence. peace to you, my good friend. and God speed. keep an eye out for my girl.

69's a charm

2007-10-31T01:16:00.000-05:00

my post, you sicko, my 69th post... dude. keep it in your pants.

i wish i had happier news to report:

my BK has stopped all her treatment.

her pain has jumped in the past week and a half and her pain meds would knock a college football team on it's ass. i'm working to find her an acupuncturist that makes house calls.

the pharmacists were so accomodating and compassionate when i went to pick up some meds that i cried. his face was so honest: "i know how much she needs this, they normally order x and this is for y, and we don't have that much in stock..." so he gave us what he could and called her MD to tell him why she would need more of a controlled substance sooner than he planned her to need it. i told him about the other changes i knew of, and the manager came over to tell me she would make sure to order them so that B could get what she needed. "wow. [sniff] that means the world to us. thank you. really. thank you."

it's getting harder to go into work, especially when walking into her house seems to alleviate something from her pain. even if only the loneliness.

forgive my absence. i can't be everywhere for a while.

until then,
be well.

damn...

2007-10-04T03:26:00.000-05:00

slick kicks my tits.

another night given up to the ethers.

this must be my protesting the lonliness.

no dog to help me unwind so i come home and keep myself awake connecting to ya'll.

this is what i get for going on vacation.

_*_*_*_*_

true story i'm going to tell despite my eyelids falling in on themselves:

i called bradcito from work looking for affirmation in an amazing scheduling fluke: i have coming up 4-5 saturdays off work. [i'll post my average work week for ya'll another day.] and was telling him about how my boss pulled me into her office tonight. apparently, my inability to disguise or even slightly tamper my emotions, especially when stressed and observing a nurse who isn't paying the fuck attention to what the patient is actually going through, trying to explain/express to the nurse, or what the patient actually needs has made it's mark on the ward.

while my passion, concern, energy and idealism are commendable, i've got to tone it the fuck down. i'm pissing people off.

so... i have to come up with a plan of some sort to work on my professional development in said areas. things like "how can i appraoch people so that they respond to me in a positive manner?"

me: how well do you think it would go over if i said the steps i would take to improve the situation involved me getting laid?
bradcito: *laughter* that would be hilarious.

sigh, me.
smoov p, where are you, now?

guilty, as charged, your honor.

2007-10-03T02:44:00.000-05:00

"The trouble with most people is they want to see things where there is nothing to be seen." [thanks, fire, for that bit of inspiration. no, i did not get in trouble with our friend. merely borrowing his wisdom for my late night missive to the ethers.]

and, yet, this may be the very quality that people find refreshing in me. some times.

at least four times i walked into patient's rooms this evening and greeeted the gowned one so openly that they had to think twice about whether or not they had met me before. [the answer: nope. she's just like that.]

i was working another floor. so i stopped into the rooms of a couple of my floor's folks before i left. "they're shipping me off tonight, so i wanted to say hello before i took off." these folks genuinely smiled when i walked in the door. as frustrating as it may get, my life doesn't suck. again, she's just like that.

i should be sleeping. i have a date with BK tomorrow, to bring her treasures.

for her earring making. like 'em? wanna pair? comment me. i'll hook ya up. 25 clams. my auntie normally hunts up heart shaped rocks. but i got her hooked on the cause, and she became the grandmaster of crinoid hunters. and then my girl makes these beautiful jewelry. that gigantic thing on the right with the star in the middle is the grand-daddy of finds. mostly, they are little disc shaped things like in the photo with my wee little hand behind it. [need a set of fingerprints, anyone?]

but i digress, i was talking about making love out of nothing at all [you're very welcome for getting that stuck in yer wee noggins for the rest of the week!] which, i have to error on the side of saying, is a gift.

yeah, sure, i've missed the ball. big time. but sometimes it pays off.

no, i'm not seeing anyone. nor am i particularly crushing on anyone new. just thinking in general. about the things people like about being around me. about the reasons those who love me so fiercely love me. and i have to say that my ability to love hard and fall fast is probably one of them. [a couple of my friends have been calling. they've hit the skids for one reason or another, and i'm the one they think of to call. the one they want to see. the one they want to be around. hell, my cousin even called upon my assessment skills when he felt like ass. feels good. not gonna lie. i'm the one they can be themselves the most around. i ain't gonna make 'em feel anything they don't wanna feel. just gonna take 'em right where they are, just the way they are. (i'll prod around a bit, test the boundaries. not gonna lie about that, either.)] so now i guess i'm trying to cultivate that more intentionally. plant what i desire to reap. allow myself to be pruned so that i can pass through the gates of trial and temptation more easily. not be set back by my own short-comings so quickly. or at such needless cost.

open myself to change.

don't get me wrong. burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice and you can go fuck yerself. i'm not a door mat. but i do dive deep. fast. and hard. i'll lose big if that's what the situation call for. but if i can avoid it, if it isn't going to get me anywhere, i'll walk.

and i don't like taking "nothing" for an answer. i'll bug yer ass. open the hell up.

i've learned a bit over the years. back up. give 'em some room. let 'em see you do your thing and 'ell come to you. business. love. friends. family.

don't sweat 'em. do your thing. it will all fall into place when it's time. [holy pants, batman, geraldo and freddy mercury had a love child! sorry, got distracted by glorious videos...] do i sound like a cheesy ass after-school-special, yet?

sigh. [see, i wasn't lyin.]

and so it goes.

but isn't that why you love me? because i'm not afraid to see anything and everything that is and could be. because blank sheets of paper don't scare me. the idea of nothing but opportunity doesn't scare me. the chance to start over doesn't make me want to run away.

nor does a bucket of mud. or a rusted out motor. or a broken window sill. or a dying cow in the road. or a butt-load of regret and remorse.

if you're willing, for one moment, to believe in the next moment, i'm game.

and that scares the living shit out of you, now, doesn't it? *she gets that gleam in her eye* (how does she ~do~ it?) because i really, never, really, will never give up.

so maybe you're really sayin' "back off. i'll tell ya when i'm good and GD ready to tell ya." and not so much "ain't nothin there, kiddo. quit foolin' yerself."

it's cool. i got time. i can wait.

you know where to find me.

for goth

2007-10-02T03:12:00.001-05:00

"i think it's going to rain."

"it is raining."

"yeah."

2007-09-30T23:59:00.000-05:00

i've been hanging out with my extended family. working on not being so extended.

coming home was lonely.

i ain't gonna lie.

but i wanted to say something. so i did.

now i'm gonna go sleep off my sunday night drinking fit. [i wasn't drinkin' alone.]

more laters.

a good nod

2007-09-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

thanks, fire, for telling me about this little cutie pie.

i can see it in the eyes a little bit. not sure how rose c would take it, but i'd be honored. then again, i'm a big sucker for people under four feet tall.

sigh

2007-09-13T01:58:00.000-05:00

the book of love

the park

[rose polenzani has the losely curly hair, rose cousins wears the stocking cap. in my heaven, kim, they sing like this all of the time.]

um ..... hilarious

2007-09-13T01:01:00.000-05:00

HM had a little fun on the internets today. i tried to import it, but i can't and all my photos have me as a brunette. so i'll have to send you here. [i'll see if i can't get her to export the photo, or do it again or something.

this is she:

fun times.

tasty, sugar-free thoughts go out to Firestarter5, tonight, kids.

big, boob friendly hugs to you, my love.

200 years too late

2007-09-12T01:42:00.000-05:00

yorlor has a fucking headache.

this week has fraught her ship with holes and she be taking in the drink rather quickly, mateys.

the touchstone cancelled her south american vacation, trumped by opportunity later in the year for his family. she ne'er did claim she ruled his time, nor he hers. and while he knowingly owns the blow he's dealt our heroine's soul, weary for his companionship, she is still left rocking in the wake of it's effect.

a job prospect called and recognized the white flag sailing above the wading craft. heard the song of trial and turmoil and how yet she persevered, though blindly at times. served as witness the skeletal [read:solo] staff which manages to keep this boat afloat and the meager collection of coin on which she runs. proclaimed the vessel worthy of saving and the captain worthy of good pay. then shortened the length of rope extended by half. ye' still need licensing of one sort or another, dear lass.

and so she sits bobbing. bailing buckets of brine out her innards. singing songs to make light of bone scraping work. knuckles bloodied. eyes swole. throat hoarse from the barking dry cough that scars her painted complexion of health.

still bending o'er those in need. teary eyed she pretends to hide nothing. in sorrow she serves, still motherly lecturing her fold to mind the ways set out for good health.

those who can't ...

"teach. your parents well. their children's hell. will slowly go by.
and feed. them on your dreams. the one they picked. the one you'll know by.
don't you ever ask them why. if they told you, you would cry. so just look at them and sigh. and know they love you."

it's not like i wasn't trying, dad.

over here!!

2007-09-10T14:32:00.001-05:00

Kimmyk,
i'm here, behind the bottles of advil, airbourne, boxes of alka seltzer cold, sinus and night time, the remains of the ginger root i made tea with, next to the vial of lucifer's lil yellow pepper i've been adding to everything to sweat this beast of a illness out of my body. i even consulted my mom and started a 5 day z-pac i had stored away for such nasty occassion. everything was swollen and achey. i cancelled all my plans for the weekend. slept. sweat. chugged the fluids and sweat some more. my lungs still sound like seagulls when i exhale. off to the store to get some mucinex before work.
wish me the best.
yors

fire, this is what we do...

2007-09-04T01:14:00.000-05:00

while checking ye' ol' email, i see this on the side bar:

Record Number of Americans Lack Health Insurance
By Steven Reinberg, HealthDay Reporter
HealthDay
TUESDAY, Aug. 28 (HealthDay News) -- A record number of Americans are without health insurance, according to new U.S. Census Bureau statistics released Tuesday.
Some of the trend can be explained by employers who are curtailing coverage or making it too costly for lower income workers to afford, the report said.
"The number of people without health insurance coverage increased from 44.8 million in 2005 to 47 million in 2006," David S. Johnson, chief of the bureau's Housing and Household Economic Statistics Division, said during a teleconference Tuesday.
The percentage of Americans without health insurance rose to 15.8 percent in 2006 from 15.3 percent in 2005, Johnson added. "This is the second consecutive year of increase," he said.
At the same time, the number of people with health insurance increased to 249.8 million in 2006, from 249 million in 2005. The number of Americans covered by private health insurance and government insurance remained about the same, according to the report, Poverty, and Health Insurance Coverage in the United States: 2006.
The problems of the uninsured are particularly acute among children. The percent and the number of children under 18 without health insurance increased to 11.7 percent from 10.9 percent from 2005 to 2006, and to 8.7 million from 8 million, respectively.
"The number of children covered by private insurance decreased from 65.8 percent in 2005 to 64.6 percent in 2006," Johnson said. "The increase in the uninsured rate can be attributed to the decline in private coverage."
Moreover, 19.3 percent of children in poverty had no health insurance.
The percentage of people covered by private employer or privately purchased insurance declined only slightly, from 68.5 percent in 2005 to 67.9 percent in 2006, Johnson said. "Persons covered by government-provided health insurance declined from 27.3 percent in 2005 to 27 percent in 2006," he added.
The percentage of people covered by employer health insurance plans dropped to 59.7 percent in 2006, from 60.2 percent in 2005.
There was no change in the number of people covered by Medicaid, the federal insurance program for low-income people -- 38.3 million.
Uninsured rates for whites remained constant at 10.8 percent but rose among blacks -- from 19 percent in 2005 to 20.5 percent in 2006. The percentage and the number of uninsured Hispanics increased to 34.1 percent and 15.3 million in 2006.
Commenting on the report, Karen Davis, president of the Commonwealth Fund, said the increase in the number of uninsured Americans was surprising, given the relatively low unemployment rates and a stable economy. She said she fears a dramatic increase in the number of people without health insurance should the economy weaken.
"It's a surprising jump in the numbers of uninsured," Davis said. "To get a 2.2 million hike in one year is pretty disturbing. We are getting a middle-class squeeze -- it's not just families in poverty."
Davis added that employers were dropping coverage of dependents. "It really varies by the income of the family," she said. "Either employers aren't covering the kids, or the premium share is too high for families to afford."
There is urgency in getting people -- especially children -- covered, Davis added. "We need to get more comprehensive solutions on the table," she said. "There is a case for action to deal with uninsured children, and we need a comprehensive strategy that insures health insurance for all."
Kathleen Stoll, director of health policy at the consumer advocacy group Families USA, also expressed shocked at the rise in the number of uninsured Americans.
"The numbers took my breath away," Stoll said. "The increase is more dramatic than we've seen."
Stoll thinks the report will spur the debate over health care and serve as a catalyst for some form of universal health insurance.
"When you consider how large this increase is, I would think this would build momentum, feed the fire for the health care reform debate that we hope we will see in 2009 under leadership from the White House and the Congress," she said.
Gail Shearer, health policy director at Consumers Union, publisher of Consumer Reports, said Congress and the Bush administration should immediately "rededicate" themselves to expanding health insurance coverage.
"This substantial increase in the uninsured should get everyone's attention," she added in a prepared statement. "We should not have to wait until the next president takes office to deal with this very real problem. Congress and the President ought to commit to expanding coverage now."
The American Medical Association also said the new numbers on uninsured Americans demand legislative action.
"Today's announcement on the increase in the number of uninsured Americans is a forceful reminder that action is desperately needed. Currently, 47 million Americans, including nearly nine million children, don't have health insurance coverage," AMA board member Dr. Joseph Heyman said in a prepared statement.
"It is unconscionable that the number of uninsured children has substantially increased over the past year. Children are our future, and for kids to get a good start in life, they need access to regular visits to the doctor," he added.
"Covering America's kids is the first step toward covering all Americans. The AMA just launched a three-year, multi-million dollar campaign called "Voice For The Uninsured" to spur action to cover the uninsured," Heyman said.
More information
For more on health insurance, visit the Commonwealth Fund.

Copyright © 2007 ScoutNews, LLC. All rights reserved.

URL: http://health.msn.com/healthnews/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100168613>1=10316

i can edit!!

2007-09-03T04:08:00.001-05:00

dammit: warning, you will listen to every song, twice.

2007-09-02T01:44:00.001-05:00

thanks to spanish fly and the one i had drinks with, this has been playing in my head for weeks and i can't stop singing it... the one i had drinks with said this was one of the first songs he taught himself to play on the guitar, which he recently purchased and started to play. i originally told him that fact put him immediately in my top three of all people, but being well on my way to being stumbly drunk and realizing i knew this guy all of not-long-enough to have that title i said, "make that top five," "i've been demoted already!!" "i've gotta pee, get over this on yer own, bucko." it's amazing what i can do to a man's ego in five minutes flat.

this one is more amuzing because of dave's hair, but the guitar is so out of tune i didn't make it past the word orphan. it's called a sound check, guys. thanks.

at any rate, it all makes me think about highschool, which can't be done without hearing this in the back of my head. which makes me rather smile, a lot. i lusted after a boy i went to church with {!!!} who looked a bit like scott wieland. we were also both swimmers. we swam for arch rival teams. i tell ya, swimming is a great sport for puberty. all that skin. muscles. rippling. take yer mark. grunt, lunge, splash and roar. ... mmmm. yum. ironic enough, it was when i was caught watching boys change that i was really first called a lesbo.... hmmmm.... maybe they just caught on that i got out of the locker room a bit quickly. [i didn't exactly go to highschool in a homo-friendly atmosphere.] oh, but he is so delicious...

then there was the guy i met through some weekend jesus marathon. i went on the girl's weekend. he went the next month on the guy's weekend along with a guy i went to school with. we would all congregate for evenings of consolation that we were no longer in our little jesus bubble. [note, it was on this weekend that i not only stated i didn't want to fall head over heals in love with some incredible boy, the romance? the butterflies? the ring??!!??!? but would rather have a committment ceremony wherein me and my best friend would state just that: that we were best friends and would be there for each other, no matter what; but, i also spent the entire weekend running across the room to kiss a girl full on the mouth, all in the name of agape... riiiiiight. who's a little gay?] i went to hang out with people who didn't think i was a freak. eventually, we got to be buddies and i drove out to the middle of nowhere farm country to hang out, and i remember he played journey until i understood what it meant to rediscover anybody. this was the kid who called me dyke and it made me smile. like being a lesbian wasn't like having the plague, or some flesh eating disease, but something kind of cool, maybe even special. something other people would want to be around me for. or just the idea that others could want me.

i had some friends in highschool. not many. the majority of them were from church. we had dances. that hot swimmer kid played in a band that played all my favorite moody songs, and then some. and some i wish they had played. [yes, sg, each word is a different song, because i kick that much ass.] but it was church... they had fun together on stage. they weren't afraid to put it out there. i danced until my legs burned. and then i danced harder. you could have cut glass on my calves. sweaty. salty. hungry for things i didn't yet have language for. i danced. throbbed. longed for something i understood, but couldn't talk about. even about the boys i fancied. i didn't have words or cognitive comprehension. i just felt.

oh bother, it's 3. i have a lunch date with a dear and awesomely great friend and i have to go jogging first.

thanks for playing.

yors

i do it like this, kimmyk

2007-08-30T00:38:00.000-05:00

i had to stand in my closet for this one and hold the camera in a shelving unit. that's the birthday linen [i need a bed skirt, badly] and the quilt is half done. that first part consists of all of the favorite clothes i wore out in college. part two should be coming this winter. i realize this photo makes my room look spartan, but i hope you get some sense of it's coziness and that the walls you can't see are covered in photos and framed posters. i like the rustic look of the wooden crates. the red bin is old as hell and holds my journals, sketch books and books i made by hand. below is a cubby dad fashioned for us kids when we were wee. the top is an old gift box [old school shwag] from dad's sales days atop which sits my pride and joy: for highschool graduation i asked for a Rodin sculpture. i was hoping for The Kiss, i got The Fallen Caryatid Carrying Her Stone. what an epitaph it has been for me over the years. Skillet asked for a CD player. i got one the next month for our birthday. ... i need a bedskirt.

here are the two peppers. i cut them off with scissors today, because they started to get soft and i was afraid i'd lose them. i hope to make something tastey and delicious with them tomorrow. to the right is the solitary heritage tomato that survived bugs, kids, storms and being grown in a rubbermaid tub by, well, me. love the red appliances? thank HM. she wanted a red and black kitchen, so my twin sent me red towels and oven mits for Christmas. "... you do realize we're NOT that kind of housemate, right, skillet?" ... [skillet: short for home skillet. another post. ask me later, ac.]

there are three or for more buds. the next two [maybe they only grow in pairs?] are already getting bigger.

and finally...

i was in the shower tonight and i look down my belly between my pale swollen girls to see this: a bruise on my sternum. now, i can't, for the life of me, figure out how i got this. i mean, i can. i work with kids, i could have bent over something hard. [go ahead, say it.] the almost-toddling-toddler could have bounced on my chest. my honorary niece and nephew [i was watching them last week] were jumping on my back last week and i am a slow bruiser, but not that slow... (photography note: i am not a vanity photo pro.) or maybe i bent too far over one of the bed railings when i was kissing one of my elderly patients on the forehead after tucking them in.

so here you have it. we'll see what it does.

sorry, FS, no nipples. i do work with kids. reputation.

sigh.

are we there, yet?

2007-08-29T02:36:00.000-05:00

so apparently ya'll have nothing better to do than sleep all these wee hours i'm riding the night shift on the second half of a mighty double sitting for a patient who's roomate shares a fondness for diddling his fiddle [i shit you not. what is it with boys and their junk? especially when they don't feel good. it's as if someone is going to walk away with it? ... excuse me? you need help getting to the bathroom? no problem. just don't touch me with your hands and we'll be fine as pie. ... you're done in there? okay, let's wash your hands. i'm sorry, you need to use soap. ... no, you gotta scrub those puppies. ... yes, i know exactly where your hands have been. now, if you don't mind, please scrub them again or i'm gonna do it for you. .... thank you. let's get you back in bed. ~shudders~].

i promised kimmyk some photos of skinny cows, but i'm at work, so a link is gonna have to cut it.

back to my charge. i know that my patient isn't exactly right in the head, but shitting on the floor? come on!!! i spent my morning handling the 3 year old's peanut to keep him from peeing on his shorts at the park and now i'm spending my night handling a grown [but not much larger...] peanut to keep from having to change the whole bloody bed, again.

gargh.

now don't get me wrong. in my time "on the floor" i have scrubbed me some peanuts, washed me some wieners, handled me some exterior plumbing. i know that in some oysters lie a beautiful pearl or two, but cripes, honey. now i know the ones can't stop handling their junk on the outside of this joint are afraid someone's gonna come take what little they got!

deee-um. gurrrrrl is out.

truth be told, gurrrrrl is pulled by her lunar crux. hormones in full flux. titties in full bloom and painful as a kick in the nads. this on top of some little hairline fractures that normally get washed out by a good day makes for ONE CRABBY ASSS LITTLE LADY! chocolate has nothing on me now.

i tried.

a patient dropped off a wine box full of hershey's kisses.

gee shucks. just what my fat ass needed. thanks.

more truths be told [i'm in that kind of mood, and you like it, so shaddup already] i was hurting yesterday when i had to come back into work after a fairly great weekend and a perfectly splendid sunday putting my space back in order. dishes, laundry, the kitchen floor, pitching clothes i never wear anymore, floor boards, and i cleared half the crap off my desk and brought the art supplies back out of hiding. ... it was like a honeymoon for my me-ness.

and then i had to go back to work.

and i was bloated.

and crabby.

and pissed that i work that hard.

aren't you glad you only have to read my lovliness, my lovelies?

and so it hit me.

or rather, i hit it.

the bottom.

more or less.

close enough. as close as i want to get to the bottom ever again in this realm.

i'm tired of being tired. and i'm tired of being too tired that i can't enjoy the people i know and love when i finally make time to see them. i'm tired of being lonely and tired of being pissed.

so friday morning i have an appointment with human resources to see what career options i have going for me while i'm not in school this fall.

depending on how that goes, i may schedule a couple appointments with head hunters.

i got skills.

i got talents.

i got titties. [that's for you, FS]

so give this bitch a better f'n paying job. she works her pretty little ass off. [notice it got smaller when i was working and not chowing down the poor quality chocolate? yeah.... i did.]

at any rate. i'm'unna go read some more blogs.

much love,
YL

bogger is whacked

2007-08-28T01:37:00.000-05:00

...apparently because i started writing the post saturday, my storm post posted under saturday. go see the photos....

monday, oh monday

2007-08-27T01:14:00.000-05:00

monday, oh monday,

hate is a strong word, but i really, really, really don't like you.

whenever monday comes, you can find me crying, all of the time.

sigh.

it was a blessed sunday.

i worshipped at the church of the bedside table. [ba-dum-ching!]

i woke up, cleaned the house a bit, hung new curtain rods, planted spinach and peas, moved things around in my room, put my bed back where i like it [diagonally, not box like], swept up a LOT of feather down [i am a comfort whore, feather down is smooshy and yum], made sun tea, watched a friend get off the train behind my house, chased her down and said hello, made dinner, framed some photos, watched a clockwork orange, caught up with HM and drew a little.

it feels good to be getting back to myself.

i still have those photos waiting for me to fix them...

here's a couple of Betty from, like, two weeks ago. i let her go outside [yes, i put her outside on the deck in indirect sunlight so she could get her nature groove on. i'm a good plant mom, i am] and SHE CAUGHT A FLY!!!

can you see the eye lash looking things? the fly must have struggled so much she clasped her little palms so tightly she INVERTED THEM!!! oh honey! come to momma!!

look here, you can see the bug swimming in plant juices. yum yum. gives you a small idea of how our bellies work. belly juices slosh around with delicious and tastey food stuffs and then the belly sucks out all of the yummy good juices and leaves poop.

well there ya go. pictures and an anatomy/physiology lecture.

damn, girl's a catch. who's payin'?

i'm here...

2007-08-25T01:24:00.000-05:00

i'm working on photos, but it's late and i have a day that starts at 9 am and closes at 11:30 pm. and then i may make an appearence at a welcome home shin dig.

so much to report...

so much to say....

the four legged one went home.

but my socks are here!!!!

[have to edit that one]

sobe patient, i'll be back.

eventually.

it wasn't a tornado

2007-08-25T01:07:00.000-05:00

i'm a great big tree, just standing here minding my own... wow. that was a nice breeze. hehe. it's raining, that tickles. we've had a lot of rai- hey, easy on that wind, buddy, i'm trying to grow here... i tell ya, give a wind a little room and it thinks it owns yo-- hey!! knock it off!! woah!! i said...

this tree didn't fall over because the branches were leaning on another tree which, miraculously, kept it from falling through the back of someone's home.

this tree just fell over. plop. like i'm a little tea pot. tip it over and it falls out of the ground. i was at the pool in the locker room with a bunch of kids, some from day camp, some from lessons. i recognize that i don't do groups well. i had to start talking to the kids about pool safety. i had to engage them. some of them were teary eyed cuz they didn't know what was going on. i was baffled as to why the day camp counselors weren't leading a sing-a-long. isn't that, like, day camp required?

this was my neighbor's yard. my landlord's daughter told me this afternoon the tree removal alone cost 2 or 20 grand [i think that's what she said]. nothing to say of the cost to repair the house it fell into. this shot shows the sidewalk that was completely lifted from the roots. the corner of the garage is also lifted.

this is the house, or the back porch/stairwell where the tree collided [it's the back of the house]. you can see the label from the insulation. i'm not certain if this window is an extended kitchen. the tree provided a lot of coverage from the train, which runs over the garages in out back yards.

this is a tree that fell over the fence in the graveyard. the ruins from the graveyard are breathtaking. this is the place where is it hardest to convince those of us who see it every day that there wasn't a funnel cloud on our street. there is a clear path. and it's narrow. and it jumps. ... whatever. i didn't take meteorolgy in school.

snippets and sound bites part one

2007-08-15T04:42:00.000-05:00

five Q's - the first one caught my breath, so i'm doin' all five. go see this guy for his take. read him while you're there. entertaining.

1. Wednesday, Nov. 5, 2008. Our side won! How do you celebrate?
with several days of silence.

2. Are you on a boat or are you a land lubber or do you soar?
yes.

3. What was the last mistake you wished you could cover up?
i don't wish to cover up anything. if you can't handle the fact that i f'd up, how am i supposed to get through?

4. Are your omelettes fluffy?
i actually just learned how to properly fold the omlette for an actual omlette and not a pan of scrambled eggs with a bunch of junk in it.

5. When was the last time your paradigm shifted?
right now.

guide you home

2007-08-11T21:38:00.000-05:00

[Coldplay ~ Fix you]

When you try your best but you don’t succeed

they really said no. again.

When you get what you want but not what you need

to be honest. i am happy with the letter.

not just okay. but relieved. ecstatic.

free.

When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep

they were ass holes and i seldom felt good about myself there.

Stuck in reverse

and yet, i gave them more than they deserved.

And the tears come streaming down your face

it feels weird to be comfortable, happy even at this juncture.

When you lose something you can’t replace

i spent yesterday afternoon laying on the deck

with a good book getting sun on my midriff.

When you love someone but it goes to waste

HM went shopping with me.

i needed the company.

and someone to tell me

how my ass looked

in a new pair of pants.

Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home

i'm going to see my touch stone in guatemala.

And ignite your bones

i've been invited to accompany a family to australia.

And I will try to fix you

my nieces are waiting for me to visit them in Troy.

all trips i wouldn't have made

if they had let me back in.

And high up above or down below

i may not have made all the best decisions.

When you’re too in love to let it go

but i did everything i knew to do

to keep it all together.

But if you never try you’ll never know

i had no idea it would have ended like this.

i was working so damn hard.

Just what you’re worth

maybe i'm learning how to let it all go.

Lights will guide you home

it makes me tired.

And ignite your bones

to think of all the shit i did

because i thought it was

what i was supposed to do.

And I will try to fix you

they couldn't convince me to try otherwise.

i couldn't hear them over the din

of my own madness.

Tears stream down your face

and yet they love me.

When you lose something you cannot replace

they love me enough to let me make these mistakes.

Tears stream down your face

and they love me enough to take me in

when i can't stand the sight of myself.

And i…

Tears stream down your face

i started running.

I promise you

because it was all i could think to do with myself.

I will learn from my mistakes

it's funny that i wouldn't think twice to do it

for anybody else

Tears stream down your face

but it's hard to believe anyone would do it

for me.

And i…

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

i'm coming.

wow. my pants fit.

2007-08-11T20:59:00.001-05:00

i asked a pair of nurses, one seasoned, one who is so wet behind the ears she takes direction from me when cleaning a patient, to step away from the door of a patient while blatantly gossiping about said patient. "you can hear through that window." i had said.

"well, you can, because you're normal." was the seasoned nurse's response.

holy peanuts and apple butter, batman.

we went a short round. she tried to call me out on asking her to be compassionate and respectful of the patient. "do you have written proof? references? research that says that a patient with a helmet on [skull fracture, skull is in belly, helmet protects brain] can hear us from out here?"

are you fucking kidding me?

really.

you're going to come back to me with that as a counter argument?

huh.

and they won't let me finish my degree to get a license to take ever loving and respectful primary care of these patients.

really.

huh.

[steps off soap box. swats kimmyk on the ass. leaves room.]

fuckers.

holy shit: yorlor does action/drama

2007-08-05T23:53:00.000-05:00

"WTF? yorlor? what is this madness you speak of?"

i'm making a new friend. an aquaintence from the pool. we show up at the same time a lot lately. we've begun chatting. telling jokes. now we're actually talking about what's going on.

it's the first genuine friend i've begun to make since before i started school. someone out of context of the rest of my life. someone who wasn't in class with me. or a co-worker. or a co-worker of someone i already know well. someone to whom my life and reality is a blank canvas.

so we're telling stories. and we're past the ambiguous "my boss" phase and getting into repeating characters and their development in our tales of laughter, frustration and woe. and then it hit me: i wanted to say "God, my life sounds dramariffic, sometimes. eh?"

but:
my best friend is battling cancer and life is precious. things can get hairy. sometimes a lot to handle. we get through it. i don't call this drama, i call it life. it's a gift and we're doing the best we can to enjoy it right now, shit storm avail and all.
i've applied to get back into school, where i was dismissed a month before graduation because i had to work part time to keep health insurance and be responsible and pay non deferable debt with a paycheck and not a school loan. again, i call this life. it happens.
i work three jobs. i work a lot. my debt from school is so close to triple digits it makes my heart stop beating. so i work a lot to make up for the fact that my paychecks, individually, are wee in comparison to what i owe. i work a lot so that i don't have time to think about the pit i am in an how much it makes me feel like i am suffocating. i happen to be blessed with work that feeds me in more ways than one. i call it responsibility. i call it taking control of what i can control. i call it doing something productive about my situation. this is also why i'm trying to complete my degree and secure my license. because i'm a damn fine nurse and i want to double my paycheck and half my working hours.
one of my jobs involves working with people amidst medical crisis. it is nitty and gritty and emotional and tough and challenging and i love it. and i'm good at it. and i don't want to do anything else.
and then there's the cracked pot that is my love life. spider webs and all.

just hard to open the page and say, "oh yeah, thank you for joining us, we're here on page 2902, where yorlor has just...."

it's a good thing this person has witnessed the miracle that is my swimming instruction and how much the families i work with really love and trust me. otherwise i may not be making a new friend at all.

feeling: humble and grateful and happy and not as frazzled or insecure or dramariffic as i did when i started this post. thank you for listening.

did i mention?

2007-07-29T23:23:00.001-05:00

i got a camera.

and i posted some photos of things in my house. which is why i got the thing in the first place.

BK continues to thrive despite the soil in which she is planted. something deeper calls her to life. her answer is a miracle to behold. the scan was as she expected. the pain is breathtaking, and yet she continues. and so i follow.

the dog is back from a weekend away. HM is out of town celebrating crabcakes and godbaby's first birthday. i slept for an entire day. the quiet was awkward at first, but then rewarding. now i have Will and Grace on for company. tomorrow, the hospital.

until then, kiddos...

home grown

2007-07-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

they may be wee, but i GREW them!!
mom tells me they will redden on the vine...

my rosemary is a buddy grower. it got bigger when i set it in this parsley stuff that isn't parsley. it tastes like celery. mom's didn't make it. deer and hungry turtles. ... i'm not even kidding.

the talismen of growth are bowled over by, well, growth!

that's better!

so big!!

i even got the cacti to grow!!! the secret? it lieves next to the dryer that only runs on high heat on a windowsill with southerly light. ... or maybe it's cuz i ignored it. i'm told it's what works for most of the plants i have in the house.

my newest aquisition!! it eats things!! i call her beatrice. betty for short.

she lives with her african violet sisters.

...that's all folks!

a slight diversion

2007-07-14T23:16:00.000-05:00

forgive me if i must wander from other topics to keep you informed.

BK was in and out of the hospital this week with a gut bleed.

she didn't call me until she was ready to go back home. i called tonight while she was at dinner with her loving husband.

i just saw her on monday with my niece.

we watched eddie izzard's definite article.

i kept falling asleep.

busy me.

they're wanting to take her off blood thinners because the idea of a clot is less frightening then bleeding to death out of your stomach.

already the pain in her leg [the one that has had a deep vein thrombosis [DVT or clot] before, the one that has a sieve in it to catch clots, the one that is drop foot and limp and pale and nerve damaged from this rediculous monster of a tumor that just won't go the fuck away] is too much to bear and she is making cocktails of one nature on top of cocktails of another nature to get away from herself, if even for a moment.

...

i'm off to bed so's i can get up work a morning shift. a gift from a co-worker who let me stay home one extra day last week to run around with my niece. photos and stories to post later this week.

Lordisa have mercy on our souls.

it's been a while, dear internets

2007-07-03T23:51:00.000-05:00

my mom is knitting me a pair of socks.

i am very excited to wear them.

my parent's gifted me a certificate which i used to buy a new down comforter.

that photo won't load.

stupid cow.

moo.

my room has become my solice.

the one place i can rest.

i take advantage of it when i can.

gifted: it was my birthday. thank you KK for remembering.

it was less than eventful.

...well, that's not entirely true.

it was eventful.

just not exactly the events one hopes for on the anniversary of her birth and celebration of all she does every damn day for everyone else...

but there were moments:

1] a friend, in much need of a break, brought me nine bundt rum cakes. he also brought me flowers and wine.

2] my friend came to my house, from out of town, to see me.

3] i got a complete new bedding set, between the gift of my parents and i family whose children i teach not to drown.

4] bradcito offered a birthday redo upon his return.

it's the 4th of july. i got to see fireworks out of the window of the room where i was accompanying a patient who cannot be left alone.

i was remembering another fourth of july.

i was in the sawtooth mountain range in idaho.

we were way up on a hilltop spying on the celebrations of those around us.

sparks and colors flew from every corner of the canyon.

i peed behind the church of latter day saints.

it was a good summer that year.

strange how some years are just a collection of just-another-days...

news:

i've reapplied for re-admission to graduate.

i'm being considered.

BK called tonight.

chemo sucks.

she's tired.

really tired.

doesn't think she wants to do anymore chemo.

the pain Dr wants a scan.

BK already knows what it'll show.

the pain is spreading and harder to control.

we both choked on our words and our tears.

let the universe do as she may.

may we have the courage and strength to know when to let go and when to hold on.

be with me as i deal with my trust issues and school weighs the ability of my nursing career to progress.

blessings to you, dear internets.

another reason why i love my mom

2007-06-17T14:19:00.001-05:00

Subject: july 1947

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle
ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that
many say has long been covered up by U.S. Air Force and the federal
government.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald
Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

This information may clear up a lot of questions.

the Gay Bomb?!?!?!

2007-06-12T19:31:00.001-05:00

...and to think the religious right doesn't believe that love can conquer all...

http://cbs5. com/topstories/ local_story_ 159222541. htmlPentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'Hank PlanteReporting(CBS 5) BERKELEY A Berkeley watchdog organization thattracks military spending said it uncovered a strangeU.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb thatcould purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexualsand make them more interested in sex than fighting.Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 thatmilitary leaders had considered, and then subsquentlyrejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb."Edward Hammond, of Berkeley's Sunshine Project, hadused the Freedom of Information Act to obtain a copyof the proposal from the Air Force's Wright Laboratoryin Dayton, Ohio.As part of a military effort to develop non-lethalweapons, the proposal suggested, "One distasteful butcompletely non-lethal example would be strongaphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also causedhomosexual behavior."The documents show the Air Force lab asked for $7.5million to develop such a chemical weapon."The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb bedeveloped that contained a chemical that would causeenemy soliders to become gay, and to have their unitsbreak down because all their soldiers becameirresistably attractive to one another," Hammond saidafter reviwing the documents."The notion was that a chemical that would probably bepleasant in the human body in low quantities could beidentified, and by virtue of either breathing orhaving their skin exposed to this chemical, the notionwas that soliders would become gay," explainedHammond.The Pentagon told CBS 5 that the proposal was made bythe Air Force in 1994."The Department of Defense is committed toidentifying, researching and developing non-lethalweapons that will support our men and women inuniform," said a DOD spokesperson, who indicated thatthe "gay bomb" idea was quickly dismissed.However, Hammond said the government records heobtained suggest the military gave the plan muchstronger consideration than it has acknowledged."The truth of the matter is it would have never cometo my attention if it was dismissed at the time it wasproposed," he said. "In fact, the Pentagon has used itrepeatedly and subsequently in an effort to promotenon-lethal weapons, and in fact they submitted it tothe highest scientific review body in the country forthem to consider."Military officials insisted Friday to CBS 5 that theyare not currently working on any such idea and thatthe past plan was abandoned.Gay community leaders in California said Friday thatthey found the notion of a "gay bomb" both offensiveand almost laughable at the same time."Throughout history we have had so many brave men andwomen who are gay and lesbian serving the militarywith distinction, " said Geoff Kors of EqualityCalifornia. "So, it's just offensive that they thinkby turning people gay that the other military would beincapable of doing their job. And its absurd becausethere's so much medical data that shows that sexualorientation is immutable and cannot be changed." (© MMVII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

captain's log: stardate, last saturday

2007-06-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

mom,
this morning, as i was biking myself to the pool and trying to convince my muscles that they did, indeed, want to contract and relax and propell my body towards my destination, i couldn't help but wish that i was on my way down 65 to 74 to come sit on your deck and do a lot of nothing but laugh and maybe make some chicken salad with grapes in it, and maybe a jar of sun tea.
i made it through my morning and into the hospital, where i quickly agreed to sit on my can for eight hours and prop my eyes open with industrial strength coffee while i listen to old westerns on the patient's tv.
all in all it may not be a bad night. but i still wish i was headed down that interstate to hear you laugh and sigh.
hope all is well,
love you,
love,
me

Didja know W is a Methodist?

2007-05-30T18:48:00.000-05:00

Letter From Appointed Transgender UM Pastor, Rev. Drew Phoenix

Statement to the plenary session of the Baltimore-Washington Conference
May 24, 2007

Last fall, after a lifelong spiritual journey, and years of prayer and
discernment, I decided to change my name from Ann Gordon to Drew
Phoenix in order to reflect my true gender identity and to honor my spiritual
transformation and relationship with God.

My transition to live fully as the male I know myself to be is very
personal and deeply spiritual. As a Christian, I worship God – I AM.
People frequently asked Jesus, “Who are you?” His response was, “Who
do you say I am?” “Who do YOU say YOU are?”

I believe that our spiritual path is, in great part, the answer to: Who
am I? I am ...

I realize that my transition may be confusing and surprising for those
of you who have known me for years but were unaware of what I was going
through. I am glad that I finally have the opportunity to share.

It is my intention and hope that, by sharing my story – my
relationship with God and my spiritual journey – we will commit ourselves to
becoming educated about the complexity of gender and gender identity and
open ourselves to those in our congregations who identify as
transgender.

When I was born, society declared that I was a girl, and my parents
named me Ann Gordon. But for as long as I can remember I have felt like a
boy, acted like a boy, dressed like a boy and wanted to hang out with
the boys. And for the first several yeas of my life, my parents let me
by my boy-self. In fact, I was referred to by everyone in our small town
as my father’s son, Dave Gordon’s son.

So it was very difficult when I reached puberty to be pressured by
family, friends, church and community to conform, to dress and act, like a
female. At the time (unlike now), there was no language or body of
knowledge about gender identity, and certainly no available medical
expertise, to help me describe and understand the disconnect I was
experiencing between my physical, external self and my internal, spiritual self. I
identify as male. The gender I was assigned at birth has never matched
my own true, authentic, God-given gender identity … how I know
myself.

Fortunately, today, God’s gift of medical science is enabling me to
bring my physical body into alignment with my true gender. I am making
this transition under the care of an excellent medical team. I am
grateful for their expertise. They have been instruments of God’s grace for
me.

As I continue to transition, to fully claim myself as a male, I find
myself coming home to the Child God created me to be. I find myself
joyful, whole, and peaceful. And I find myself even more effective as a
pastor.

You may ask what effect this is having on the church I am currently
serving, St. John’s of Baltimore City . I can tell you that St. John’s
is growing and thriving on its Discipleship Adventure. In the past 5
years, membership has quadrupled, for the first time in years families
with children are participating, stewardship has tripled, several new
ministries have been initiated, and the congregation has plans to begin
renovating its old, historical building in order to be more efficient,
effective, and relevant in its vision and mission.

As I have chosen to transition, the congregation has studied, listened,
and prayed in order to understand and embrace the meaning of my
transition within my call to ministry and within our call as a congregation.
My prayer, and greatest concern always is that the congregation
continues to grow and thrive.

Gender identity diversity is not easy for most people to understand, as
we have been steeped in an either/or, male/female-only understanding of
gender. It is hard to believe that our bodies do not tell the whole
story about what we are. I assure you that I am not one-of-a-kind, that
there are many people like me in our congregations who are suffering with
the disconnect that I have felt.

Jesus’ central message is that God’s love and grace extend
unconditionally to all of us, not because we look a certain way or have a
particular identity, but because we are all children of God created in
God’s image. Each of us is a beloved child of God. No exceptions.

Today, in your congregation, in your communities, are young people and
adults struggling with who they are and how they fit in. Maybe their
families do not understand them; perhaps their friends have isolated
them. They are wondering if they fit into the church. As Christians it is
essential that we communicate to them God’s unconditional love and
their worth and value as children of God made in God’s image. You can
begin that process today as I stand here and witness to the complexity
and joy of God’s creation.

For more info:
http://www.umc.org/site/apps/nl/content3.asp?c=lwL4KnN1LtH&b=2433457&ct=3911067

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

FAQ RELEASED BY THE OFFICE OF BISHOP SCHOL RE: TRANSGENDER PASTOR

FAQ Released by the Office of Bishop John Schol
Regarding a Transgender Pastor
May 27, 2007

At the May 24-26, 2007 Baltimore-Washington Conference session the
concern of a transgender clergyperson was discussed at the Clergy Executive
Session. Bishop John Schol also raised the issue with the full
conference session, which included the lay members from congregations.

Bishop Schol has indicated his prayerful and deep concern for Rev.
Phoenix, the St. Johns congregation and the clergy and laity of the
Baltimore-Washington Conference. He recognizes that this will raise a number
of questions and concerns for people within the conference and invites
all United Methodists to be prayerful and seek greater clarity and
understanding of transgender people and how decisions are made within the
conference on such issues.

The following questions and answers are presented to help clergy and
laity to explore a greater understanding of the discussion at the
Baltimore-Washington Conference session.

Does The United Methodist Church have an official position on the issue
of transgender clergy? The church has no official position on this
issue. The Book of Discipline does not prohibit transgender clergy from
serving in the pulpit.

What does transgender mean? Transgender is a term used to describe
people whose gender identity (sense of themselves as male or female) or
gender expression differs from that usually associated with their birth
sex.

How does this issue relate to the Baltimore Washington Annual
Conference? About a year ago, Bishop John Schol was contacted by the Rev. Ann
Gordon, pastor of St. John’s United Methodist Church in Baltimore .
Rev. Gordon met with Bishop Schol and expressed the intent to undergo a
change in gender identity to become the Rev. Drew Phoenix. Rev. Phoenix
met with the staff parish committee, informed the congregation of the
decision and started the legal name change process. Bishop Schol has
approached this matter prayerfully and seriously. He spoke with Rev.
Phoenix several times. He also had conversations with church leaders and
received a letter from Rev. Phoenix’s therapist and church leaders
indicated their appreciation for Rev. Phoenix’s ministry and the therapist
indicated that Rev. Phoenix could continue to serve effectively. The
congregation has been growing under Rev. Phoenix’s ministry.

What is Rev. Phoenix’s current status? A change in gender does not
affect a pastor’s status (status is a term to describe a clergypersons
relationship with the annual conference. Status may include things like
retired, leave of absence, and appointed to a congregation). The staff
parish committee at St. John’s has requested Rev. Phoenix continue to
serve the congregation, and Bishop Schol will reappoint Rev. Phoenix
effective July 1.

Was there action taken at the annual conference? Any pastor who changes
his/her name must report the name change, which in turn becomes a part
of the Board of Ordained Ministry’s report at the clergy session. A
name change does not require any formal action by the church. During the
clergy session, and again later during the full session, Rev. Phoenix
shared his personal story.

Has there been any violation of church law? There is no law in the Book
of Discipline indicating that a transgender person cannot serve a
congregation. There have been two requests for a ruling of Church law by
Bishop Schol. Bishop Schol will rule on these within the next thirty days.

Why did Rev. Phoenix take this step? [Above] is Rev. Phoenix’s
testimony.

the ultimate challenge

2007-05-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

pirate vs. ninja.

you decide.

slow night on a surgical floor on a holiday weekend? what makes you think that?

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
His Most Serene Highness Lord Yorlor the Spurious of Goosnargh on the Carpet
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

just another day

2007-05-23T18:03:00.000-05:00

soemtimes i like you to go read things and form your own opinion.

today is one of those days.

sometimes it's okay to not do much at work

2007-05-19T22:11:00.000-05:00

i'm at the desk. not much going on. you know what that means...

i stole this one from ac. she stopped by a couple weeks ago and i'll be damned if i didn't have to look twice. kudos, darlin'~ and great fotos.

Five every day favorites:

1. waking up.

2. work. sick, yes i know. but i was talking to the life guard this morning about my work schedule and how i clocked 80 hours between the three jobs this week [i'm transferring into a new nanny family, so i'm booked] and a lap swimmer stopped me outside the building as we were leaving: "wow, you sure do a lot." ~yeah, but i really love what a do [enter 10 second sound bite nursing assistant, nanny, swim instructor and joys of each] so it's really very rewarding.~ "it's a lot of doing for others." ~yeah, it is. and i love it.~

3. currently, the pooch. did i tell you i'm watching a friend's dog while she's off galavanting in Europe? well, studying and the opera-ing, but you get my drift. i'm a dog keeper. i took the dog home to see the fam a couple of weeks ago and the the three phone calls i got on my drive all started with "how's the pooch?" ... i'm fine, thanks for asking.

4. water. really.

5. slipping back into my bed at the end of it all.

Four mood lifters:

1. walking out of work

2. visiting with friends

3. polishing the marble [yes.]

4. playing the geetar

Three reasons to get out of bed:

1. someone, somewhere is waiting for me

2. the bathroom is down the hallway

3. the dog has to pee

Two people I love:

1. my family [if i have to pick one, i'll feel bad. that's new for me. so stuff it.]

2. BK

One thing I love about myself:

that i'm valued by those around me for being all of the things that drive some people nuts about me.

well, well, my, my

2007-05-19T17:04:00.000-05:00

the other day MSN had a series on Transgender and such. It was covered in Newsweek, which i have been a fan of since jr high. really.

Wow.

So I just wanted to dedicate a post to that information.

They even included resources.

it just gives me hope, sometimes. well earned hope for the world at large when things like this show up on mainstream info highways.

on a fun side note: i cut my hair this week. it was getting rediculously shaggy, to the point that i was contemplating tucking it behind my ears. and today I received several compliments. my favorite: "you look all boy like, now."

it's coming

2007-05-15T23:07:00.000-05:00

so are both of my sisters, both of my nieces, at least one extra child and maybe my mom.

holypantsiamalreadysoexcitedican'tconatinmyself!!!

let there be peace on earth

2007-05-15T16:47:00.000-05:00

and the hearts of those who need it.

i'm serious. please take a moment of silence and pray for those who need to know that God still loves them, like Jerry Falwell. A man who followed his convictions, but forgot that one man's freedoms end where another one's begin.

it's okay if you don't like me, Jerry, but you can't tell me what to do.

i know in my heart that you will see truths now that you could not see on earth.

Rest in Peace, my friend.

i had a catchy title

2007-04-29T22:47:00.000-05:00

but i forgot it somewhere between my ninth glass of water and the patient i was sitting with telling me i wasn't supposed to be gay after he asked if there was a bible in the room. [i wish i was kidding, guys, i really, really, really, really do. the guy propositioned me. i politely declined. he waited a couple of minutes. then he asked me if i was a homo. he used just that word. i told him it wasn't an appropriate topic of conversation. he pressed on (having just had his trach removed, his voice was soft and hard to understand at times) and i asked him "does it really matter?" and he said yes, it did. he then dropped it and said it didn't matter. a little while later "it's been a while," he says, glancing at his groin. "it happens" i say, willing to be sympathetic but clear that i'm not here to do something about it. a little while later, while discussing his frustration with the hospital, the beeping, the monitoring, the discomfort, he asks for comic books. we talk about having one of his kids or wife bring one in or pick one up. then he asks for a bible. i tell him i don't think we have one in the room. then he says "you aren't supposed to be gay." "are you saying what i *think* you're saying?" he nods. i get the charge nurse, sign off on the sheet and tell him that my sexuality has nothing to do with his care and that we don't talk about this in a patient/care giver setting. if we were friends having coffee, that would be a totally different situation, but i am not going to sit with you, anymore, someone else will be coming in a moment. the charge nurse nodded her agreement and i was grateful for her support. i then commenced running around to the point of having a sweaty ass in less than twenty minutes.]

but i digress, we were talking about Jesus....

kimmyk writes that she cried in church this morning. lots of folks responded in kind.

not me.

i've worked so many days in a row they are running together. the pool. the hospital. the kids. the hospital. the kids.

i picked up a couple more private swim lessons. they bring in bigger bucks for me. my goal is to pay off the smallest credit card this summer before the new loans come due. i may defer them to pay down another. i had a swim lesson at 10:30; my preferred hour of church service. they chant the Our Father as well as most of the service and feed you delicious honey bread and sweet wine all in under an hour, unlike my former church home which felt more like a political public service announcement and never got out in under 90 minutes, only feeding you once a month, and seldom mentioning Jesus.

i texted the House Mate: my only shot at church is 8:30, wanna come? i got the all go. i was in charge of making coffee. it was a *much* smaller service, and we didn't chant the Hey, Daddy. but it was still good to be there. to sit there.

after communion i sat there with my forehead on the back of the pew in front of me long or heavy enough to leave a red dent which stayed through the dismissal. it's just been an interesting time.

i returned home to learn my 10:30 lesson cancelled so that i could sit in the sun and enjoy the next hour before heading to the pool. after swimming for 2 and a half hours with other people's kids. after walking slowly in the sun to the hospital and chatting with my sisters on the phone while they finish the deck i am travelling home to help christen next weekend, i sat on a bench and read for a few more minutes before relinquishing to my evening on the floor.

i was wearing a kicking little shirt high in attitude i got in NYC while visiting a friend last march during my first quarter break. i remembered how i wore it to class the first week beck in class and was called up to read my team's response to some group questions. i watched myself glare at the professor and ask her opinion on my new commentary on nursing, spread across my chest like peanut butter on jelly. and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

i was so pissed at my life coming back from that break. i remember openly bawling as i put the key in the door back at my apartment. not weeping, not sighing, not crying. actively, openly, bawling at the prospect of having to wake up in seven hours and give my life back over to what i had left not five days earlier: spending seven days a week in the hospital. in class. at work. in clinical. in the library. i thought about my having moved nine miles south to be within walking distance of school to help with my truancy habit.

i was dying inside and i couldn't even see it. but sitting there, outside the hospital this afternoon, i saw every poor decision, every lashing out, every pissed off edge i wore like a two foot mohawk in those halls. i was pissed at my decision to stay in a place and with people who weren't supportive of me. all they said was "we find that people who decide to work while they are in are in our program are not successful." read: we will not do anything to help you.

i had moved away from and removed myself from everything i new as supportive. i wasn't teaching kids. i wasn't nannying. i wasn't seeing friends.

...

i did it to myself and i removed myself from anyone who could have told me otherwise, not that i would have listened to them, anyway.

...

KimmyK, i'm glad there's a place i can go where it's okay to cry every time i walk in the door.

i could die a happy girl in this woman's arms

2007-04-24T02:13:00.000-05:00

okay, maybe not "happy," but i don't think i'd cry.
okay, i'd cry like a little bitch, but i wouldn't be sad.
okay, i'd be sad as hell that i was leaving this amazingness behind.
okay, i'm just gonna shut up now.

...now if only great women fell into my lap like good blogs and great music...

...

2007-04-24T00:28:00.000-05:00

i'm half watching episode three of season four of the west wing for the second time. i'm going to have to watch it again, another time, when i can pay attention.

i was tripping through the next blog button and found terroni. i stole dive's idea from terroni.

i have a million and one things to say, after reading some other blogs i was brought to by mutual bloggers [oh, lordisa, that sounds lame] and can't bring myself to say any of it.

enjoy:

1. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

michael bolton. i once stopped an MRI because michale bolton came on the radio. they had just started a nine minute scan. i tried to tell them without them having to stop the scan, but they couldn't hear me over the diggs-digga-digga-digga-whirrr of it all.

2. What is your favourite cheese?

Munster. or farmers. oh shit. i use three pounds of cheese and milk to make a home made mac and cheese my old roomies used to call "death by dairy." i even like squeaky cheese curds and, occasionally, processed cheese slices. my mom fed us Velveeta and spam sandwiches. ... i drink soy milk so i don't have to cut back on cheese. next question.

3. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

i make a frightening dagwood. if i'm making myself it's roast beef, ham, genoa salami, pickles, bell peppers, miracle whip, provolone, black olives, green peppers, dijon mustard, munster on toasted rye bread with a large pinch of cole slaw. ... slurp. if you're making it, it's a wet reuben [turkey or corned beef] with extra thousand island.

4. You, Elvis and Princess Diana (yeah, I know they both smell a bit now but you'd still give 'em one; right?) are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wastes with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?

elvis, his coke habit clearly put me in this situation to begin with and maybe sir elton john will write songs about me and lady di.

5. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

james spader. [i would say hillary swank as brandon tina, but james is so calculating it makes me twist in my chair. i'll let you know when a movie screen dyke takes this cake.]

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

melissa etheridge ~~ girl can get a crowd going

7. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

honestly, if you hand me a hundred bucks i'm not accountable for, i'm going to take someone out to eat and spend the rest at the thrift store, maybe buy a bottle of wine if there's anything left over.

8. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

right now, NYC to see someone i'd enjoy being around. i also feel comfortable showing up at this doorstep with the clothes on my back.

9. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

dinner and a new outfit from Yellow Rat Bastard. or sell my soul for tickets to see david letterman.

10. Your dream date. Who, where and why?

who: she's roughly my height and size. boyish. almost painfully so at times. she loves what she does and she loves kids. neither one of us is in charge. we work together. sometimes she leads, sometimes it's me. i don't care who pays or orders, as long as she smiles and can't stop looking at my mouth.

where: dinner outside. either a restaurant or a picnic. hell, we could go to a potluck group thing and tell stories on each other. making me blush is not easy, but she could do it with a glance. then something we could get some steam out over. swimming, playing with someone else's kids, taking the dogs to the lake, climbing. we retire quietly, at home, hers or mine. maybe a shower, definitely some wine, some music, some close dancing. if you can't figure out what happens next, i feel sorry for you.

why: i deserve it.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?

jameson, the devil. i love her so.

12. Okay; girls and gay guys stand over here; guys and lesbians over there (I know and love my readership) …Girls and gay guys first: You're in bed with Marilyn Monroe, Doris Day and Salma Hayek. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? (you're only allowed one).And similarly, guys and lesbians: You're in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman and Johnny Depp. Who's gonna be the lucky guy? (again, you're only allowed one).Give your reasons.

johnny depp. hands down. [although i have me some serious love for paul newman.] from 21 jump street, through benny and joon to the pirates. you've seen that poster where he's playing a piano, smoking? hot. and secure enough in his masculinity to bed this lesbian.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

take off your shoes.

14. What is your favorite curse word?

you monosyllabic, mouth-breathing fool, i don't use words. i use phrases.

15. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object (that's "inanimate" … leave your kids to burn; you know you want to). So what’s the item?

fuck that shit. a crate of my journals and writings. girl's gotta build her fortune.

16. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

***edited answer***
sorry, i gave this one some thought. F that person.
i'd go see my mom. what we would talk about is beyond posting here on this blog.
she'll take care of everything else.

17. Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?

truthfully, at the moment, nothing. i just got in from work, walked the dog, showered and am wearing sweats from the thrift store and a ratty-ass v-neck sleeveless undershirt. no panties. none. at all.

18. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

when i graduated college, we had a party at the house. all the rellies came in from out of town. the power went out. we sat on the front porch and sang songs. john denver and the songs my dad raised us on. the songs my aunties used to sing to me and my sisters before they had kids of their own. we sat there and laughed and enjoyed each other's company and were each secretly grateful that the game wasn't on TV.

19. Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment number eleven is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?

if ye stick thine head so far up thine ass that ye forgets all that is good and wonderful in this world, i will still love thee and clean the shit from thine face with my own spit on my thumb.

20.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

tough call. most of my horrible experiences have made me what i am. but recently, i kissed someone else's wife [damn that jameson!], and it bothered someone i would like to consider a good friend more so than the wife [to whom i confessed immediately]. if i could not have been in a position to compromise my friendship with her, i would do it. she is one of the only other women i know who pushes the envelope as hard as i do at work and with her friends. i fucked up. and i feel like an asshole for that.

21. Rufus appears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who's gonna get it?

me, moments before above mentioned situation. i would like to think that getting pied in the face after a double and some whiskey might make me loud and obnoxious, which would have kept me out of the corner with someone else's wife.

22. What part of your body would you change (no, you are NOT perfect; you gotta answer this one) and why?

i'm trying to lose 25 to 30 pounds. that should take care of what i'm not currently wild about. aside from that, i was a little too care free in highschool, so the girls could use a little pick-up, which is odd, because many a lover has complimented them...

23. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

ha! this is so funny, it's not even hard to imagine! while i want to say Twisted
Spoke [keep those Road Rash Mary's coming!] i'd be just as at home with a juke box, a dart board and something smooth on tap. and yet, there is a little voice saying, "hmmm... my irish/german heritage and alcohol.... hmmm."

24. What's the last thing you ate?

graham crackers and peanut butter with chocolate ice cream at ten pm with my cohort at the hospital talking about how moody i was.

25. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?

there was a super-powers question?!?!?! i was cheated!!

i already float. i teach other people to float. i show them all of the time.

next question.

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

when i was a sophomore in high-school, we lost a senior, who came to visit me after she died. i want to know what it is she was supposed to tell me, what it is we were supposed to accomplish, how it was she was supposed to link me to something or someone else. something in my life was supposed to be different because of her. i'd bring her back and for that reason only, would i go back to highschool.

27. What’s your theme song?

joyful girl, ani

28. When did you last have sex?

define sex. .... either way, much, much, much too long.

how to survive a double

2007-04-21T04:08:00.000-05:00

1. bring fresh panties [girls or boys], wash and change at half time. makes a world of difference. more important on nights you're working the floor and can get a little funky.

2. bring snacks from home. yeah, i know you're going to eat the pizza they order on evenings anyway. of course, you're going to drink that extra coke. sure, that tub of skippy peanut butter goes well on so many things: graham crackers, white bread, apples, a spoon. but don't you feel better eating those carrot sticks and a string cheese at 3 am?

3. bring other things to do. ain't no way you're gonna have no time from 3 pm to 7 am to sit on your kiester and do something else. like, a book, sudoku, something to write in, draw in, homework, letters to mom, list of things to put in your blog... you get the idea.

4. pace your caffeine intake. to be frighteningly honest, i've had sips of coffee since i got here. i'm trying not to soar then crash. i filled the french press with Mate and Chai before i left. that had me shaking through dinner.

...okay, that was fun for a minute. they have me working the desk tonight. a joy and pleasure reserved for "student nursing assistants" .... is now a good time to say i'm not a student anymore? i wish. it wouldn't get me out of this mess. i make a terrible secretary. i used to be good at it, but now that i'm a hands on patients kind of girl, this shit drives me crazy!

phones that don't stop ringing for hours. nurses who want you to page doctors, but Lordisa above forbid the nurse actually knows the name of the doctor they want to speak to. orders that you have to enter on the computer in a system you have minimal experience entering orders on. two entire computer systems to track patients, one of which you have no access to, the other to which you've had zero training.

and then the night shift comes on. you've got two assistants on the floor and it's fairly dead-ass quiet, and you're answering lights to keep them from beeping your ass insane!

maybe i shouldn't pull doubles anymore.... maybe i should win the lottery.

okay, okay. 5. dick around on google image because you can't pull up photos to post.

abide with me

2007-04-16T21:44:00.000-05:00

abide with me, fast falls the even tide
the darkness deepens, lord with me abide
when other helpers fail and comforts flee
help of the helpless, oh, abide with me

did i tell you about the last double i worked?

swift to its close ebbs out life's little day
earth's joys grow dim it's glories pass away
change and decay in all around i see
o thou who changest not, abide with me

there's a point at which the muscles

i imagine my wings would use

ache
if i had wings

i need thy presence every passing hour
what but thy grace can foil the tempter's power
who like thyself my guide and stay can be
through cloud and sunshine, oh abide with me

yet, as tired as i am, i keep coming to that bedside

hell, i'll even tell you i'm exhausted

but i still come

i hear no foe with thee at hand to bless
ills have no weight and tears no bitterness
where is death's sting? where grace thy victory?
i triumph still if thou abide with me

and i think to myself:

this is what i woke up for.

this is why i feel good before i go to sleep.

hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes
shine through the gloom and point me to the skies
heavens morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee
in life in death, oh lord, abide with me

now only if Sallie Mae practiced such grace.

need a challenge?

2007-04-16T21:42:00.000-05:00

go to google dot com, maps.
click on get directions.
from new york, new york to london, england.
scroll down to #23.

how bout that for an afternoon?

much love,
my big sister

still feeling badly?

2007-04-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

did you get this cake, today?

me neither.

but i *did* get a letter from the alternate nursing school. the one that was very respectable in telling me i was pissing up a rope with my transfer attempt. they have officially taken a pass on me enrolling this fall.

i'm not that upset. i kind of knew the answer already. i've started a savings account. i'm rearranging my credit card debt. i'm making calls to consilidate and otherwise fix the loans so that they are no so oppressive for a while. i'm looking into other jobs in the medical field. i'm getting ready to leave the house so i can teach some kiddie poos not to drown and have lots of parents tell me how great i am. i'm making a plan and sticking to it.

i haven't the slightest idea what i am going or supposed to do about this nursing school thing, right now.

my big sister says maybe i should back burner nursing school and pay down life for a while [my current debt load after a bachelors in psychology from a 4 year private university and my train wreck of a year in this accelerated nursing program is suffocatingly akin to someone with a mortgage and a car payment].

breathe in.

breathe out.

and so we wait

2007-04-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

did you get this Dr Seuss book? Kim, i'm with you, pass the peanut brittle:

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted.

But mostly they're darked.

A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out?

Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose?

How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right

...or right-and-three-quarters?

Or, maybe, not quite?

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place......

for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

ahhh.... kimmy, kimmy, kim...

2007-04-05T01:19:00.000-05:00

sigh. a rose by any other name... click on her cover of Where Soul Meets Body. The story is the guy from Death Cab heard this cover [it got copied to an mp3 player and passed along to him over lunch months ago] and had the biggest compliment for Rose involving losing his current honey for the girl who sang like that. ...

i've got my moodier mix on. the one i haven't listened to in months because i haven't had time to be in my own space with my own music with my own self because i've been too busy out takin' care of other people and their more immediate needs.

poor KimmyK just celebrated forty years of this cockeyed existence and she gets eaily confused: "I do have a question though Yorlor, explain watching the "3 YEAR OLD" to me. Whose 3 year old is this? Yours?"

kimmy, kimmy, kim .... i have no children of my own in the sense that there are no children in my house who wake up at two am and call out "mom" waiting for yours truly to answer them, or let them into bed when they show up drippy nosed and furrow browed about the boogie man or a missing teddy bear. [although when i write that part of me wishes i did].

i watch other people's kids. the 3 year old and the 5 year old are brothers. i worked with the 5 year old when he wasn't even two at a day care and when the 3 year old became a reality, i nannied that family for almost a year. i left to do the one year nursing program which i managed to F*#$ up, and am back watching the 3 year old roughly once a week for part of the day. it keeps me happy, connected and in love with moments like these, brought only to you by a 3 year old boy:
"buddy! time for lunch! come on down!" child arrives at table without his pants [not shocking as he has just gone to the bathroom and is known for kicking off the pants in the process]. what Yorlor doesn't catch on to is that the child has also left behind his skivvies, which brings us to the highlight of our entire week as Yorlor brings sliced apples to the table to compliment some rediculously wholesome lunch she has prepared. "where is your underwear and why are you touching your penis at the lunch table, buddy?"

HA!

i swear. my life couldn't get much better if i tried.

and i work with kids at the pool, where i teach them not to drown. i teach group classes, and private lessons. parents have called me at night to tell me that their children prayed for me at bedtime. they show off in the bathtub and insist that i get a full report at lessons. they wake up every morning and ask "is it swimming day?" one child, while making cookies at home with mom, thoughtfully desired to bring me some and then realized "but mom, she lives in the pool! she can't eat cookies in the pool!"

and so these kids are mine.

as are my nieces, and old neighbor's kids, and my baby cousins and my friend's kids and your kids, one day.

they just are.

i'll get mine. one day. whether they come out of my body or just cling to it.

they'll pad their tiny feet down the hallway and up to the bedside, picking which body they want to cuddle up to, which will likely be me, because i am a giant sucker with a capital stick up my ass. "momma? can i come sweep wif you? i'm code. [or skayered. or i don't feel so dood.]" and i will dutifully flap the heavy cover back over my hip to reveal the pocket of cuddly warm goodness that child longs for. he or she, or both of them, will crawl in and settle their wiggly little buns up against my belly and their hair will likely tickle my nose as i inhale the perfume of their innocent little head into my memory. "Lordisa, let them remember these moments when they need me and i can't be there." eventually they'll fall asleep and we may wake up in seperate beds again, but in that moment ...

oh dear, oh me , oh my...

i've confused you again, haven't i, dear?

i am single.

i have no children who call me mom [on purpose].

i am not a cat owning lesbian.

[i am watching friend's dog while she is over seas for the summer.]

i'm going to bed.

"people with short haircuts have attitudes"

2007-03-28T05:00:00.000-05:00

i wish i was kidding. i JUST had a patient say this to me.

frustrating.

for both of us.

the scenario: i get a call at 11 this morning after making my way down to the university where i am pleading my case to have them allow me to complete my BSN. it's my floor CNC: we need you tonight. badly.
i had signed on for a 3-11 on wednesday after having the 3 year old from 8-2:30. we reviewed this. "we can tank that shift and figure it out later. i need you tonight. the nurses will KILL me if i don't have an NA tonight." this means i'll have the 3 year old after being up all night with a floor full of patients, some of whom need more attention than 3 nurses and an NA can give them. Case in point: the patient for whom this post is named.
i've been in her room a dozen times cleaning the CoLytely poop from her room mate who is bleeding like gang busters from her back end. i've been keeping the oxygen on a 450 pound patient who likes to be naked all of the time [lovely, really], who also likes having screaming matches with people in his sleep. we've had four admits since 11 pm, all of whom needed vitals twice plus the other four who needed them twice. we're a full house. 19 patients. i made three trips down stairs to get equipment and chucks because we couldn't wait for someone to bring them to us.
now, don't get me wrong. i love to help people, and i enjoyed the ten minute chat i had with the guy who's been here too long and has too much going at home to be happy about much of anything, but this particular patient doesn't say "please" and isn't nice. she isn't in any ridiculous pain, didn't have surgery and doesn't need help getting in and out of bed to pee like the three women next door to her. she bitched and moaned for hours about wanting a sandwich when i got on and scoffed at the graham crackers and peanut butter i was able to grab her between vitals and falling blood pressures. "i don't drink milk." "then don't drink it." "i won't."

she asked for water as i was leaving after the last bloody watery stool change. i handed her the water from her tray. "that water is warm." "it'll be a minute." "it always is."

i was getting her fresh ice water just then. just to prove the point that i wasn't trying to be mean to her. she hit her call button.

"did you hit your button?" "water." "i have it here for you." i wanted to throw it at her. "you said it would be a minute." "it happens, ma'am. i'm sorry." "i bet you are."

i couldn't get out of it. i'm exhausted. i was pissed. didn't she understand i was supposed to be sleeping so that i could bust my ass TOMORROW? didn't she understand i was bending over backwards to maintain the dignity of patients who needed help wiping their asses, cleaning the shit out of the beds they were lying in and couldn't walk to the bathroom without someone helping them out of the bed!!!???!!!

no. she couldn't.

my reply to her comment: "people with short hair have attitudes with people who don't say please and thank you." "i don't have to be polite. it's not my job. people with short hair cuts have attitudes." "what are you implying, ma'am?" i don't recall her response. "are you implying something about my hair cut or my life style?" the charge nurse came in and asked me for some totally benign information she could have gotten from a chart.

i should apologize. but how?

BK is doing. i went to see her tonight before checking into the floor. she started her 3rd round of chemo yesterday. she was assembling a collage and drinking a beer. she is skinny as hell and braver than anyone i know. she practically falls under the weight of her own bones. she was talking about the new chemo "i was doing some reading and it said this drug is shown to increase life expectancy five months. 5 months!? i'm doing all of this for Five Months?! what am i doing this for?" then she talked about Matisse. about how he created until the day he died. about how he adapted from painting to cutting paper when eh couldn't stand to paint anymore. she said the chemo nurses were different to her this time. that they were colder. she fears that they aren't as friendly because they know she's going to die and they don't want to get close to her.

i pray she never feels that way about me.

ah, dear dad

2007-03-17T18:43:00.000-05:00

my dad sends out a daily journal. something to pass the time and keep folks abreast of the happenings in his life. he began it as an excercise in processing and sharing while undergoing early [read: forced] retirement from sales, whence he began following his bliss and becoming [eventually] a general contractor. dad is where i get my love for words and ability to string them together.

yesterday dad mentioned the giggle-able wearing of green carnations by eager co-eds and how his professor used to chuckle because he knew that oscar wilde pre-empted the now more infamous pink triangle or a flag, don't forget:

The Labrys
The labrys is less popular now that it once was, even though its connection to lesbianism and women began thousands of years ago. The labrys is basically a double bladed axe or hatchet which can be used for both harvesting and as a weapon. The first labrys is believed to have been created over 8,000 years ago. It was favored by tribes of female Amazons that roamed the area around what is now Kazakstan in central Asia. It has also been linked to the early town of Catal Huyuk in what is now Turkey around 6,000 BCE as a tool for clearing ground. Catal Huyuk was a peaceful town which worshipped the Earth goddess and prospered without conflict for 1,500 years.
An ancient civilization on the island Crete in the Mediterranean Sea also held the labrys in high standing. Little was known about the Minoan civilization (it lasted from around 3,000 to 1,100 BCE) except myths until archaeologists began excavating relics from Crete's pre-Minoan era around the beginning of the 20th century. The most amazing discovery on the island was the palace of Knossos, believed to be the royal palace, along with a 35,000 square foot maze of rooms and hallways. This maze was prolifically decorated with a double-axe motif, especially the principal reception room. The term labyrinth is derived from labrys. This site is believed to be linked to the myth of the minotaur. [In Greek mythology, Crete was the home of the tyrant King Minos, son of Zues and the mortal woman Europa. Minos broke an oath to Poseidon, who had guaranteed his kingship, and in revenge the sea god caused Minos's wife to fall in love with a bull. The offspring of their unnatural union was the Minotaur, a monstrous creature, part man and part bull, who lived at the center of the labyrinthine maze in the Palace of Minos at Knossos. Every year the Minotaur killed fourteen Athenians- seven girls and seven boys- exacted as an annual tribute by Minos. Eventually, the Athenian hero Theseus killed the Minotaur and was rescued by Minos's daughter from the labyrinth. But when Theseus sailed home to Athens, he forgot the prearranged signal to his father, King Aegeus, indicating that he was returning safely. Believing his son dead, Aegeus threw himself into the sea and drowned. The Aegean Sea is named after the unfortunate king. (Adams 80)]
The Minoan society, although possessing both a king and queen near its end, was predominantly matriarchal. Their religion centered around a bare-breasted Great Goddess who is believed to have been a protector of women. This goddess is often shown holding snakes in her hands, a symbol of fertility and agriculture, and surrounded by female worshippers with double axes which were used for tilling soil. Preserved frescos from the time period also tend to show more girls than boys, usually in such dangerous sports as bull jumping (bulls were also a reoccurring theme in Minoan art).
The double axe quickly spread across Europe, becoming popular with the Etruscans, the Gauls, the Druids, and the Scandinavians. The labrys kept its religious connotation even when it was adopted by other cultures, having been scratched into a good many surfaces during pagan times. When the Roman Empire came along, the plow replaced the labrys as far as farming went, but it remained a formidable weapon. The labrys began to be seen less and less religiously, and soon took on the name "battleaxe" instead. From there it was passed through successive generations of war-torn Europe until it was replaced in popularity by the sword.
The labrys was resurrected as a female symbol in the 1970s by a number of lesbian and feminist organizations. It's popularity grew when articles about its origins were published in feminist literature of the time. Today, the labrys has been superseded by other symbols, but can still be seen adorning jewelry and women's specialty stores.

While hunting down info i found this gem for lingo. woo-hoo for homos!

here's to the Irish!

he's 96

2007-03-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

my patient tonight.

he's wondering why he's still alive.

a couple of months ago he tried to get out of bed and realized he couldn't.

so he's been in bed for a couple of months after doing everything on his own for 96 years.

not only did i have to hold the urinal for him, i had to hold his you-know-what in the urinal.

it's frustrating.

he's tired.

he was a dentist. he used to give cleanings for 8 dollars. a filling cost 2 bucks.

he met his wife at a dance that cost 3 dollars.

"that was the day."

they had four kids and burried 3 of them; one at birth, one at three years, one at 52.

he's a good guy. a real sweet guy.

he shared his non-parels with me.

he says he's waiting to die.

i told him i'd wait with him.

i'm a lucky girl.

workin' overnight

2007-03-14T01:51:00.000-05:00

i'm working overnight for the girls on the floor.

i picked up a shift 'cuz the nanny family called one day off last minute and i had my income budgeted this week.

i got called in early.

it's been a long day.

we started off with 19 patients, 4 nurses and me.

then they brought back my partner in crime who they floated to another floor.

dumb asses.

the tally:

2 code browns [same patient]

1 puker [had to call trauma team to get it to stop]

1 cryer [a couple of pep talks, a referral and a kick in the pants]

1 foley [he felt like he was going to burst]

1 TB rule out that has been in a regular room for a week

2 IV starts

4 admissions

1 AMA

2 discharges

and now i'm at the desk.

blogging.

here she goes:

1. Are your parents married or divorced? Married for 34 years last september

2. Are you a vegetarian? i can eat like one, but i gotta have my meat

3. Do you believe in Heaven? it's right here between my thighs

4. Have you ever come close to dying? i didn't think i'd make it to see 23. does that count?

5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? currently a belly button ring in my conch [of the ear], it is silver with red stars on a black background on the balls. i used to wear a green and black enameled ball in an 8 gauge ring until the three year old head butt me while we were wrestling. at least i can take this one out when i need an x-ray.

6. Favorite time of day? any time i am alive

7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? yes

8. Do you wear makeup? not anymore. used to wear eye liner. used to wear a full face of Mary Kay. but these days i just don't anymore.

9. Ever have plastic surgery? Not yet. the older sis and i swear we're getting our boobs picked up when she's 40.

10. If you did have plastic surgery, what did you do? ...umm..... whatever

11. What do you wear to bed? naddah

12. Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes.

13. Can you roll your tongue? Yes.

14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows? Yes.

15. What kind of sneakers? currently New Balance with the Anti-roll bar. they look a little like space shoes or something horribly orthopedic, but i love the toe room and my knees don't hurt when i've been walking all day [i had ACL reconstruction in 98]. next pair: i'm gonna hunt me down some Timberland hiking shoes, like tennis shoes for hikers. i used to wear them when i waited tables and slung coffee. best shoes ever. for style: California style Pumas.

16. Do you believe in abortions? do you mean in the way i'd believe in Santa Claus? i don't discuss politics on a first date.

17. What is your hair color? dirty blond

18. Future child’s name? i don't discuss kid's names on a first date, either.

19. Do you snore? yep. but gently. got me some sleep apnea. fun times!

20. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? tonight: home. tomorrow: Guatemala to see my buddy or i'd take BK to Hawaii [the one thing she asked for when they told her the F'n tumor wasn't dissipating, little f'er]. once i'm licensed: india to get my boys.

21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Not any more. i was told it's bad fung shway [heheh]. for real, they sit in my old rocking chair now. i sleep alone. and nekkid. did i mention that already?

22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? turn off my phone.

23. Gold or silver? silver

24. Hamburger or hot dog? burger, swiss cheese, bacon, grilled mushrooms and onion, kaiser roll

25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? my gut instinct here is to say my girlfriend but A: that's a little crass; B: i'm single and C: i'd need a veggie. so i'd have to say that i hope i'm never relegated to this reality. i thrive on variety.

26. City, beach or country? City to live. beach and country for vacation.

27. What was the last thing you touched? the Styrofoam cup of ice i'm eating to stay awake and nurse my tongue which i burned on my last cup of coffee.

28. Where did you eat last? Right here at the desk.

29. When’s the last time you cried? it's been at least a couple of days

30. Do you read blogs? ... you're kidding me. right?

31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? people call me sir all of the time in public. it isn't that i try. would i drag it up? absolutely.

32. Ever been involved with the police? define involved...

33. What’s your favorite shampoo, conditioner and soap? V05, Dial and Dove

34. Do you talk in your sleep? i don't know. i'm sleeping. alone.

35. Ocean or pool? those are two very different things, my friends. two things i value for very different reasons.

36. Sauna or whirlpool? am i sick or achy? how can you expect me to want just one thing for the rest of my life?

37. Starbucks or Krispy Kreme? come on, folks. at least the ocean and a pool are both bodies of water that you would swim in...

38. Window seat or aisle? if it's a long flight, i want to sleep, so window.

39. Ever met anyone famous? all the time

40. Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life? it's good enough for me

41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl

42. Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? is rikki still on TV?

43. Basketball or Football? Football

45. Automatic or do you drive a stick? i love the feel of a good stick shift. makes you feel all fresh and alive inside.

46. Cake or ice cream? lately i prefer ice cream to cake

47. Are you self-conscious? can't say as anyone would ever pin that on me

48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up? yes

49. Have you ever given money to a beggar? yes

50. Have you been in love? yes

51. Where do you wish you were? At home in bed, or hanging out with my buddy in guatemala. i miss him a lot lately. just his company and our adventures.

52. Are you wearing socks? Yes, they are brown with Happy Bunny on them and they say "i sincerely want you to genuinely worship me" thanks, Lib

53. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes

54. Can you tango? i can't lead it, but if you can lead well enough i can get by

55. Last gift you received? mom just sent me a check from my aunt from christmas. we're not too big on timeliness in my house

56. Last sport you played? officially: swimming. otherwise: i wrestle the three and five year old regularly

57. Things you spend a lot of money on? debt

58. Where do you live? In an apartment in a city

59. Where were you born? germany

60. Last wedding attended? a former room mate. it was a good time.

62. Favorite position? not in control

63. Most hated food(s)? dick

64. Most hated soda pop? not a fan of pepsi or mountain dew. both kind of gross to me.

65. Can you sing? yes. should i sing? sometimes.

66. Last person you instant messaged? i skyped my buddy in guatemala and my other buddy in spain this week

67. Last place you went on holiday? ... i think that might have been NYC in feb of 2006...

68. Favorite regular drink? water

69. Current Song? hate is a strong word, the Plain White T's

70. Tag 3 friends. ... um. not gonna do that, yet. but if you feel like filling this out, then you let me know all about it, k?

10 weird things about me:

1: i don't like to capitalize, but i enjoy punctuation.

2: i'm good at talking to groups of people, but i don't want to be the one who does it all of the time. i'd rather be a behind the scenes kind of girl, but i tend to get called up to the stage. i'll do it, because i know i'll do it well and that folks will appreciate it, but i won't do it for my own pleasure. i don't need that kind of ego stroke.

3: i'm not lying: i sleep best when nekkid.

4: not only do i brush my teeth in the shower, i enjoy showering in the dark.

5: the last girl i turned down sex from was because she was a bit of a door mat and that doesn't turn me on.

6: i thoroughly enjoy washing my floors by hand on all fours with murphy's oil soap or vinegar and borax.

7: i don't want to get a myspace account because i can't handle the thought of people being disappointed if i don't post on their page. i don't live my life that way and i don't want to invite internet drama into my world, i get enough as it is.

8: my life may be in flux more often than not, but i'm the one others go to for stability.

9: i often struggle with the balance between having a functional social life or an amazing artistic period. it's been a long time since i've been truly artistically creative. i think work and school trumped them both last year.

10: the ultimate goal for most of my career ambitions and current occupations is to put myself out a job. i.e. when i teach someone to swim the goal is that they will not need me to teach them anymore. when i nurse someone back to health the goal is that they will not need me to take care of them anymore.

[11. i secretly miss getting this philisophical and wordy late at night.]

oh what a night

2007-03-14T00:46:00.000-05:00

ah.... it's always nice to find the right buttons.

i like it when things are centered from time to time.

and then, i like to make them a little bit different.

what a weekend.

friday i had a male patient offer to turn me straight.

sunday i had a male patient ask to feel me up.

monday and tuesday i had male patients ask for my phone number.

...it ain't happenin' folks.

maybe this isn't something straight women encounter.

i just don't get it.

i'm a homo.

sure, men are great. and i have no problem talking to a man.

hell, i'll even kiss you.

but when we hit that belt line, baby, there's a reason i lay back.

i don't do dick.

really.

and don't tell me about how all i need is one night in bed with you.

don't get me wrong:

better men have tried.

really.

but when it all falls apart and i'm the one lying in that hospital bed waiting for someone to come clean the poop that is spreading from under my red behind, i want the woman i've devoted my life to sitting next to me. her soft, deflated breasts that have held the heads and hands of the children we've raised together rising and falling gently with her breath as she holds my hand.

"just another minute, love, someone's coming."

and when it's me sitting in that chair in the ICU until my ass goes numb drinking horribly thick coffee that some kind and loving nurse assistant keeps bringing me while i'm waiting for my children to call i want them to say

"how's mom doing, mom?"

so thank you, honey, i don't want your number and you can't have mine.

i'm sure you're a good time in bed.

i'd call you out for beers if i trusted you weren't trying to get into my panties.

hell, i'd even let you into my panties if i trusted you weren't expecting me to get into yours.

if cock is so fantastic, you try it first.

that's right.

i said it.

if cock is so great

you

take

first.

i'll be here waiting for the details.

every last dripping,

sweating,

pusling,

gagging,

throbbing,

spurting,

toe-curling

last one of 'em.

do you get it, yet?

i don't ask my straight girl friends to go down on me.

what else can i say?

i told you, i'm gay.

like this?

2007-03-12T22:28:00.000-05:00

1. What time did you get up this morning? i forgot to turn off the alarm. so i heard the Drive play at 8 am. but i didn't get out of bed until almost 12:30. i only had to go to one job today, so i got to sleep in.
2. Diamonds or Pearls? pearls. not that i wear much jewelry. but i am waiting for a necklace with a white and onix pearl in it. stunning. i suppose that's the kind of ring i'd like, too. did you ever read the pearl by Steinbeck? i think it changed my young life.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Little Miss Sunshine. Well worth the trip.
4. What is your favorite TV show? i am currently making my way through the the West Wing on DVD. on my nights off i used to crash on the couch and watch the Simpsons, King of the Hill, That 70's show. i will probably track down the DVD set for Boston Legal as James Spader makes me want to do naughty things and William Shatner actually *is* a talented actor. And i adore cop/hospital drama and spoof: ER, NYPD Blue, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy. ... and i thought i didn't watch that much TV...
5. What did you have for breakfast? i had the last of the banana chocolate chip bread. i should have had eggs.
6. What is your middle name? it comes from a Simon and Garfunkel song. i'm a twin. my parents had four names, two for boys, two for girls, but i didn't have a middle name until my mom was in labor and they drove over the Rhine River while this song played. .... kind of a nice story.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? i'm a sucker for maki and sushi, will roll over for indian and love making anything over open fire outside.
8. What foods do you dislike? there are very few things i don't like. my mom raised me that way, although i never really cared for the texture of lima beans. mom didn't like them either, so i never had to eat them growing up. oh, and tuna. i was burnt out on tuna as a young child. we ate it every tuesday night on our weekly budget meal plan. monday: meatloaf [which i still love]; tuesday: tuna; wednesday: chicken; thursday: leftovers; friday: pizza. weekends were up in the air and usually involved making something chocolate with and for dad from scratch.
9. Your favorite Potato chip?

Jay's. Hands down. Although there is a company that makes kettle salt and vinigar chips i woud eat all of the time if i allowed that kind of thing in my house. doritoes are perfect for putting on PB&J. but i don't eat that stuff any more.
10. What cd have you been listening to lately? Friend's have been playing a lot of Tori Amos in the house. Portishead was on the other night. i do love me some Portishead.
11. What kind of car do you drive? whatever my friends drive. i don't own a motor vehicle, and i kind of like it that way, for now. in highschool i drove a Volvo. boxy, grey, and beaterish. it was perfect.
12. Favorite sandwich? jimmy john's Vito, or a fresh Rueben, turkey or corned beef.
13. What characteristics do you despise? stupidity, intolerance, bigotry, small mindedness.
14. What are your favorite clothes? sweats and hoodies that i can't wear in public at night around the house. to go out, usually jeans and a tight t or nicer hoodie. i love working in scrubs.
15. If you would go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? right now i would go to guatemala to see one of my most favored tree-hugging, globe trotting companions. there or NYC.
16. Favorite brand of clothing? GAP for men's jeans, shirts, girls undies, bras and and boy panties [they make excellent boxer briefs. champion for sweats and sports bras and bathing suits. prana for yoga clothes. thrift stores for anything but socks and undies.
17. Where would you want to retire? The world is at my feet so the road may be home.
18. Favorite time of day? close tie between the quiet moments in bed when the sun is up and i can just stretch and be grateful and the moments when my house is full of boisterous chaos and i'm cooking or cleaning around it all.
19. Where were you born? germany
20. What is your favorite sport to watch? anyone where someone i know is competing. otherwise most of them, but i've been officially turned on to futball [i can't wait for the next World Cup]
21. Who do you think will not send this back? i didn't do it for people to answer back.
22. Person you expect to send it back first? see above
23. Pepsi or Coke? nothing beats a tastey diet Coke
24. Beavers or Ducks? i can't say as i ever considered it. i have an affinity for ducks, but given my sense of humor, i can not pass up the opportunity to say i am pro-beaver.
25. Are you a morning person or night owl? hoot. hoot.
26. Pedicure or Manicure? whichever one you feel like administering to me or paying for me to get.
27. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? i wish.
28. What did you want to be when you were little? invisible.
29. What is your best childhood memory? giggling. trying to keep up with my big sister on my bike. i think she was trying to run away. we got really far and then she stopped to see if i was okay. she told me she wasn't tired until she stopped and then it all hit her. i think i was six. she was eleven. we were still allowed carte blanche of the neighborhood back then. not too many creepy people stealing kids and doing bad things with them. at least it wasn't something our parents were paranoid about. i have a lot of good childhood memories, like Christmas with my extended family in Cleveland and how my auntie's living room seemed absolutely huge because i was so small...
30. Ever been toilet papering? yes. i was sister of a band geek and then i was in the color guard while my twin marched the trumpet. it was a right of passage.
31. Been in a car accident? yes. i was with my dad, in the passenger seat of our keely green 1978 Volvo. i was sitting sideways and talking to him about Lord knows what. we rear-ended someone. it was just before air bags and no one got hurt. in the grand scheme of things, not too hairy.
32. Favorite restaurant? oysy [oh-ee-she] and New Tokyo for sushi. raj baran[?] and hewa's kitchen for indian. andrea's in NYC for italian.
33. Favorite flower? whatever my mom grows in her garden and the african violets i got from my dad's mom when she passed away that bloom all the time because i have angels watching over me. that and orchids. i love me some orchids. and anything else you want to bring me.
34. Favorite ice cream? i currently have a pint of Half Baked and a pint of Heath Bar Crunch i'm working on.
35. Favorite fast food restaurant? chipotle, subway and jimmy john's
36. How many times did you fail your drivers test? people fail their driver's test?
37. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Uncle Dan's [hiking store]
38. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? anyone at this point. i'm known to be a curious kind of girl.
39. Last person you went to dinner with? went out to dinner with the House Mate and my Sister when she was in town last weekend. sushi. shocking, no?
40. How many tattoos do you have? none, yet.
41. How many people are you sending this to? how many people are reading this blog?
42. What time did you finish this e-mail? it isn't an email and i'm not done with it, although i did save it and leave work to return home and finish it after a shower while the HM is laying on the floor with her newly died shoe polish black hair listening to emo. music she knows little to nothing about. she needed a change. her running theory is that the black die kills your brain cells and allows one to be sullen and morose without hesitation. she's a keeper.
43. Favorite magazine? details for men, the new yorker, time, newsweek. i miss picking up zines from little coffee shops in the Twin Cities. those were romantically morose times.
44. If you could meet any famous person, who would it be? at the moment i'd love to be in a room with emilou harris, melissa etheridge, ellen degeneres, rosie o', Leslie Feinberg ... and it has been a long standing dream of mine to be in the Late Show with David Letterman.
46. If you could change your profession right now, what would you be doing? i'm working in the profession i want to be working in: healthcare. i'd love to be practicing nursing under my own legal license, like i'm supposed to be right now, but i'll accept the learning curve, enjoy the adventure and keep on keeping on. i honestly can't imagine being a fifteenth as happy as i am right now in any other field. really.

okay. now you.

a few of my favorite quirks

2007-03-12T20:32:00.000-05:00

i like to brush my teeth in the shower.
it's odd. but i like to do it there.

i'm a twin.
my mom told me when we were still infants she used to brush her teeth in the shower because it was the only moment she had to do it.
my twin and i would be strapped into our car seat thingies and we would cry.
our older sister would push us into the bathroom to cry where mom could hear us.
if she didn't brush them in the shower they didn't get brushed.

it used to be that i had no routine.
and for the most part, it's still true.
i work nights four nights a week. teach one morning. nanny two mornings and shower sometimes at home and sometimes the pool but always before crawling into bed. mine or anyone else's.
i carry a toothbrush with me. i have one at the pool and one at the hospital.
the only thing i do regularly is wipe and wash. there is no morning facial routine.

so i brush my teeth in the shower.

hit me, momma

2007-02-13T15:00:00.000-06:00

to KimmyK.

i found a meme the other night at work and was a frog's hair away from filling it out for you. now i can't find it. it had 136 questions and was rather amuzing.

hit me so i can tell you more about whatever it is you're curious about.

oh, and you never told me where you get your photos.

she looks great

2007-02-13T00:23:00.000-06:00

i went to see my friend in the hospital the other night to bring her gifts of love and distraction. my House Mate went with me [read: not my partner, kimmyk. :?J ] and proved once again that i am the luckiest girl in the whole world.

my friend, BK, was transferred to another hospital where a surgeon who "knows his shit" was willing and able to perform a really fantastic bowel reconstruction. a lot of small intestine was removed and then reconnected to her colon above the tumor on the right hand side. unfortunately the little fucker was also having it's way with her rectum, so she has a lower left side colostomy [did not get into the finer points of whether it was a sigmoid or not.... but soon, my pets, soon]. still on "cookies and milk," as her nurse appropriately named BK's TPN, my friend looks the best i have seen her in a long time. i have never seen her smile with an NG tube in before. her skin looks incredible. only dry from the air, not the dehydration of constant shitting of water and the sometimes vomiting. [which i have never seen someone do with such ease, either. the girl would be mid sentence, pause, ask for the emesis bag *which far exceeds the kidney or wash basin,* vomit, wipe her mouth, take a breath to assess if she was done, hand you the bag and complete her sentence. holy shit, batman.]

and here is my one highlight: .... i love stomas. i do. i'll explain it another day. they just simply fascinate me. and this makes BK feel a tiny bit better than there is one friend [one damn good friend] who is remotely excited about the fact that her best friend will be shitting in a bag!! how wicked!!

she was feeling a little down. and normally i am the one to give her permission to feel like poo, but she specifically asked to be cheered up. when i ran out of humorous tales about the random dumb asses i interacted with that week, House Mate jumped right in with stories about her retreat working with youth from her church back in suburbia, apparently on a tour of a burbanite prison, she and the other two leaders locked themselves in an interrogation chamber dilly dallying behind the guided tour. yeah, that one looks good over dinner with Pastor... ah. lucky me. i have excellent friends. friends who don't at an eyelash when i take them to see my loved ones sick in beds with more tubes than you can fathom being comfortable. and HM made BK laugh while i went to get the nurse for more pain meds. sigh me.

somberly, BK told me more news. her primary onc doc may be bowing out. he is affiliated with a little clinic. an excellent clinic, but too small to be participating in drug trials. the hospital where she is now, on the south side of the city, is bigger and has some of those trials readily available for her to enter. that was a hard blow. we like her primary onc doc. he's a Good Guy and a Kind Doctor.

more somberly, the docs aren't sure how much they can do for a tumor that won't give up the ghost. the gut doc said he wasn't going to mess with the tumor once he got in there and saw what was going on [which really makes me want to see what was going on...] and did his kick ass job of making her gut functional. we've gone from months to years.

but she said maybe a handful.

she doesn't want the rest of her life to be chemo.

she mentioned that she wants to be cremated and have her urn buried with loved ones and a small stone.

i told her she could have whatever she wanted.

there was a peace about the conversation i can't explain.

i was grateful that she brought it up. it's something i want to be a part of. knowing what she wants. and what she doesn't want. and making sure that her wishes are carried out.

she's an amazing friend.

sitting there in her hospital bed with an NG tube and a flight deck worth of dials, pumps and fluids asking me about my family [my mom's dad passed on the 1st. it was mostly expected, and quick to pass in dignity and free of pain. i flew to cleveland for the funeral.] and becoming emotionally moved to the point of tears when telling a story about a gay male friend from high school who's family disowned him when he came out [she asked how my date went that afternoon with a new girl, it went very well], and also her anger and frustration at the county hospital's cuts of 17% from the neediest of the needy while she lay in a private room with incredible nursing response and a DVD player. ....

and i bit my tongue at the injustice of someone so giving and loving of others at a time like this might be taken from me before the children we have not yet imagined nor born can laugh at her faces.

not yet, i told my Granpa when we left him at the cemetary. she can't leave me. not yet. she looks too good to leave us now.

google this? a moment to ventilate.

2007-02-13T00:22:00.000-06:00

i had to create a google account, which is really a pocket address of an established account, so that i can now get more shit mail? lovely.
ah... the internets. one more reason i am merely a little dorky, and not a true nerd.

eye of the tiger

2007-01-30T00:59:00.000-06:00

a therapeutic blogging moment, if you please... if not, scroll on, mamita, scroll on.

i walked home from the hospital tonight. a ten block walk. it was peaceful. it has been dusting snow for the past couple of days. i needed it. the peacefulness.

a couple of weeks ago one of my dearest friends from college, a fiery red head with natural artistic talents that put me and my long list of paid-for visual art classes to shame if i let them, was back in the hospital. she also plays the piano. beautifully. because she practices. relentlessly. well, my friend has just completed her third, yes, third, bout of colon cancer and is apparently rounding up for her fourth. the primary tumor will not give up the ghost. it sits on her sciatic nerve and blocks her colon from the right back corner of her pelvic cavity. it has already claimed her kidney, her ability to move her right foot and quite a bit of nerve sensation along that leg, as well. she is 27.

we thought she was on the home stretch of a really intense round of chemo. the side effects were catching up to her, or so we thought. a year and almost a half ago, she helped me move into a tiny but beautiful apartment near the college that dismissed me. she hadn't been feeling well and had some pain in her leg and foot. i begged her to take care of my art work for me "i'll get the boys to move everything. please, please come move my art. no one understands how precious it is to me except you."

the next day she couldn't move her leg. the tumor was huge. this was her second bout of cancer. the first came at 16. yes. 16. imagine prom and chemo.

she had surgery, radiation, chemo. we were celebrating her recovery. she still looked great. her right foot dropped a little when she was tired, but otherwise you wouldn't know it. i attended her speech at a cancer survivor day ceremony. her husband had to leave and her doctors were confused, as i'm sure i looked like the proudest wife of the speaker. [i have a habit of exuding that role with people...] i was doting, and loving, and verbally praised her strength and courage. i had rescheduled my first patho exam that winter to attend the first chemo treatment. i had stepped out of lectures to listen to her cry. i gave her permission to feel like shit on chemo weeks.

two months later it had come back. [round three] with a vengeance. more surgery, out-of-state with "specialists." found mets in the small intestine. the out-of-town-doctors were not very optimistic and very reserved in their efforts. she had hit her limit for radiation. she came back home and the onc doc started a different chemo.

i had more time. i came back up to the north side for visits more often. we laughed. we cried. i yelled at the cancer in her belly to get the f#@* out. the PET scan showed progress. from a 7.something to a 2.something with no active mets in the small intestine. the chemo was working.

she was getting tired. it was harder to play. the chemo was tough on her nerves in her hands. her hair was getting thinner. so was she. her students are loving, kind, and patient and understood when she needed to cancel piano practice.

chemo weeks got rougher and rougher. what used to be a two day down time turned into a week of shitting water and not keeping anything down.

A&D ointment and Poise diapers became her best friends. pain meds were a God send. so were friends and strangers who prayed for her, sent cards, sent gifts, stopped by, called. she started meditating. began light therapy to compliment the depression meds. her cats sat on her lap now. she wore prayer shalws. she slept on the couch to be near the toilet.

and this found her back at the hospital. her mom had come in from the next state over to help her through the weekend. she didn't want to go back to the hospital. she didn't want another f@#*ing NG tube down her nose [she has suffered many bowel obstructions]. she didn't want to take down the Christmas tree [it was the middle of January, and she had spent most of Turkey day and Christmas in the bed or the bathroom]. she just wanted her body back. she just wanted to keep down water. she just wanted to sleep in her own bed with her husband and not on the couch to be closer to the bathroom.

i came to see her in the hospital that night. i only stayed for about an hour before she fell asleep. i came to see her after work. it was late. she said she always liked it when i came best because i understood hospitals better than our other friends. that and i gave her permission to feel like shit, because i knew she wouldn't wallow in it for long. it was sunday.

i stayed overnight with her thursday. she finally slept through the night, allowing her bed to get soiled because she just needed the sleep and was tired of getting up and down with her watery stool all night. she said she felt better because i was there. i passed out hard corps in that little chair. i had just come from work and would return in the morning. i wasn't afraid to go get my own linens or towels or ask the nurses to shut off the damn IV pump if they couldn't fix the IV right now so that we didn't have to listen to it beep for the next hour until they could get in and fix it.

i might sleep better if someone did that for me, too.

they released her in the morning. it was a bit of a gamble. i think they knew it, too. but she was just so happy to go home. she had a PET scan scheduled for Tuesday. it was out patient only. she couldn't get the scan done if she was in the hospital. some red tape bull mullarkey.

whatever.

she needed the scan. her heart needed it. her soul needed it. her ass needed it. so did the doctor. he could see the chemo was taking its toll on her. she'd lost more weight. weight she didn't have to lose. her skin was as dry as can be, and beginning to show more of the ligaments in her arms and neck. i'm grateful for the port-a-cath. finding a vein would have been a bitch.

she picked me up on the way to the scan. we cried a little bit about her being so tired. we got in and out. she was being so brave. i don't know how she does it.

we took a "quick detour" up to see the Onc Doc. she needed some reassurance that the scan would be good news. she needed a little pep talk. she needed a hand squeeze.

the doc, the chemo nurse and the nurse practitioner all took one glance and said "get your ass in a chair, you need fluids. now." she dropped her pants to show us a strange new rash that had lined the edge of her diaper.

shingles.

lovely.

she was cracking about the edges. "i just need to know that this scan shows improvement. my depression is getting the best of me and ..." tears. fatigue. "i can't handle any more chemo." can you blame her?

the doc promised to read the scan before we left. he was diplomatic and didn't say whether or not he thought it would be good news. he couldn't afford to give any one false hope. we weren't supposed to get word until thursday. he's a good guy.

we sat. she got fluids. the pain started. suddenly and without warning she was writhing in pain. the chemo nurse brought in some morphine. she was already wearing a hefty fentanyl patch. it wasn't touching it. the nurse was giving her a lecture about forgetting her pain meds at home. i was ready to tell the nurse where to stick her 22 gauge needle. still no relief. i took the car to get the pain meds and a prayer shawl from her house. when i came back, they decided to admit her for pain control. it got worse after i left. the doc would read the scans and come see us before he left for the night. i heard the surgical doc and the gen med doc pages overhead.

a friend and an aunt joined us in the room. we were making jokes, telling stories, catching up. she dozed in and out and we let her.

the doc came in. the friend and i left the room. they were in there too long for it to be good news.

we came back in. she was in her auntie's arms. we talked about being angry. we felt helpless. she felt screwed. this is unfair. we left when her husband came in.

the crew of friends is really behaving, if that is the right word.

people come see her every day. they bring gifts. some requested. others merely thoughtful. i don't see her as much. work keeps me busy. and i know i can be a bit mother bear-like at times. sometimes its easier if i'm not there. she lets me know when she needs me.

the surgeon didn't feel that removing the tumor would be practical at this time, or that she could take it, or that it would make a difference with such an obviously aggressive blah, blah, blah. the request was to make room for the bowel to work properly so some weight could be gained and a new chemo could be run. no dice.

i don't know what the new game plan is outside of TPN having been started and the report that her "bod is really responding well" and that she is singing and dancing and making paper chains [i'm betting she decorated the room].

we do what we can.

i'll keep you posted.

glad to be where i am

2007-01-25T18:47:00.000-06:00

...i started this post on the 25th.... it is now 4 days later.

so, kimmyk asked who HM was. sorry... i learned to blog from my mother, who referred to my father as DH [dear hubby, or some such nonsense] and didn't elaborate.

HM is my house mate. a friend from college who fishes in another pond [she ain't gay] but we get along real well. well enough that when i got wind she was moving back into the city from out of state i called and said "i need to move back north. what say we get an apartment before Christmas and you freak out your parents (she's 30...) by moving into the big city without a job." we did. she did. they did. and we're all okay.

i'm single, and a homo, so sometimes i feel like i have to be careful when identifying key players in my life. we [the royal we, also those who know and love me well enough to keep me humble] joke about my having an estranged straight husband, an ex gay boyfriend [always gay, not an exodusite, scary, no?], a misstress [now, that is just fun], a straight girl friend and i even had a request for a baby mama to join the group and give me beautiful indian babies. so it comes as no shocker that HM has been jocularly referred to as "the wife."

but i am a single, healthy, intelligent, drama-rama-free lesbian who is currently looking for that special dyke [while i'm open, i have deep moments of weakness for those who bend gender harder and further than i...] to fill another position all together: preferrably 50 or 60 of them .... so one must be careful with descriptions.

breathe out

2007-01-22T21:02:00.000-06:00

and then there are days i don't feel so bad.

i have three jobs, and i love each of them.

i have an amazing apartment with a great HM. we have enough room and ammenities to help a friend in need and to host guests from out of town, even if i'm working all weekend.

i have a family who loves me, and drives me crazy.

i have had a couple of dates that left me smiling.

some how, even if not in the intended destination, i am still in the right place. a good place. a place that allows me to Give. a place that welcomes my Giving. a place that Benefits from my Giving.

so there.

my five year old continues to challenge the adults in his life.

...i don't think they intended to pay me to blog tonight. so i'll go back to reading.

much love.

up and running

2007-01-09T16:01:00.000-06:00

comments, that is. everything else is still trying to make up it's mind.

funny thing is, i thought i had them on. tee hee hee.

i contacted another nursing college today about the transfer thing, as the first said they don't do transfers ... more or less was told that i'd be pissing upstream but i gotta do what i gotta do. grateful for the advise given and will follow it closely.

this is an official call out to anyone who has undergone such madness, or knows someone who has. thanks.

maybe i figured out links too, heheheh.

alright. off to get out of the house for a while. HM and i cleaned it today [my day off] and now i have spent more then enough consecutive hours inside of it. i have boys tomorrow. yay!

aught seven

2007-01-09T01:01:00.000-06:00

i think that's how it's spelled, the fifty-cent phrase for the year. last year i had but two resolutions: getting through my nursing program and getting laid.

i feel like i haven't accomplished either, although it may depend upon your definition... at any rate, this year bodes better, already.

i have been singing Hate by The Plain White T's all damn day, and not because i have anyone to sing it about, not even her. it is simply a jazzy little song and i like to sing it.

point in case: i recieved a warm fuzzy from a patient tonight. no lie. a simple note in pencil on a piece of scratch paper the patient got from a nurse or another tech: "you are born to do this. so 25 years from now when you're doing this, look back and remember what you enjoy doing, which is helping others! thanks for everything!" no digits [thank you]. no shmooshiness. just a genuine warm fuzzy.

and i'm still singing this song!! just jazzerific.

if 2006 taught me anything it is that i have a lot to offer, i come with many gifts. not everyone knows what to do with those gifts. some people get downright angry with them. some people feel like they have to give back. some people don't know how to say thank you. some people think they have to pay for them. and i still find reasons to give. mostly because i can. i'm a damn fine nurse.

now let's see what 2007 can do about that.

to you and yours....

"he's hurting."

2006-12-19T20:55:00.000-06:00

my five year old.

well, not my five year old. i have not yet been blessed with the madness of my own children. but once they are mine, they are mine.

he was sitting at the door of his room. upset. i came up to say goodnight. i was heading home. he broke down at my approach. he confessed his crime and told me he wasn't allowed to leave his room for the rest of the night. [i had the three year old captivated in pirate stories while his dad did the dirty deed. i didn't know anything about it. i wish i had. we wouldn't have played games after dinner. i don't dick around with poor behavior. ...back to the kid.] he was broken. he had made a poor choice. he had to sit with the consequences [literally].

i came back down to say goodnight to the dad and the three year old. i conveyed the five year old sobbing wish: "tell my dad i love him, okay?"

"he's hurting." his dad said.

"yeah, he is." i replied.

"he needs to." his dad said.

"yeah. he does." i agreed. "i sympathize with him."

moments and a hug and kiss from the three year old later i was in hoodie and leather jacket and headed out the door. i just started orientation for student nurses at a local hospital. mom got a new and valued job, too. i was in wool pants and a sweater. i got to roll around on the floor with two of my favorite kids ever. we walked the dog after she wet the floor. i gave the mom the gift of a night without being a mom.

i was hurting.

the committee decided to dismiss me from my program.

the error i made was not that horrible. neither was the final i bombed from anxiety over the med error. they were convenient reasons to get rid of me. others have made bigger errors. others have done worse academically.

i'm a difficult student. i did things my way.

certain academic programs don't exactly appreciate that.

especially this one.

so: i hurt. and, i guess, maybe i need to. on some level.

post script ~ the wheels are in motion for the next option. it may take time. my friends are rallying about me, like they do, and i am not defeated by this blow. true to my flexibility: i ain't broke.